Coin Toss

This post is not for the faint of heart, it truely shows you the battle of heart and mind, of fear and love.

I have been told that true love conqures all, but what if your heart and mind, all your senses are locked in a battle between two. What if you were at war in your head with opposites that attract in different way. I don't want to be a part of this coin toss....chosing heads or tails is a rattling decision that will ripple in effect until I either rise or am condemned to lead the life I have chosen. I would rather just take the coin.

This was never a decision that I planned on facing, merely a past that I thought was unreachable. But new life has been breathed into my world. This light has made me feel new in every way, has given me the ability to smile and to feel...power. With this light I feel like I used to and like there is more. But the light has a shadow. The light is not the smart or safe road to take. It is bordered with doubt, with lack of commitment and with a worry that the light will never be more. The light is still naive to the harshness to the world in ways that are not understood. Though old he is not expirenced with the working of the world in the fashion that I require.

The one is familar and is safe and is smart and maybe I have been less forgiving than I should be. This one has not faltered in the ways he has been. I am not really happy with the current way of life but maybe there is more that has not come. He is lacking in the ways of raising and thus causing a break down in the way the world is set. This lacking has created a definate break, a crack in the moral foundation of what is provided. He is known. The one has been there, not in all ways as I believe they should be addressed but he is there in spirit and in physical presense. He is The One in the eyes of my children and this posses the biggest deliema.

I asked to be shown a sign, a trigger to make me know the path before me that is laid and these words stood out... Follow your Heart. But where oh where heart am I to follow you? Which path is more appealing? Which downfalls are less to consider. I am torn and confused and broken in ways I was never to know.
My heart belongs in the momment and the momments are heated by different furances at will. The momment the words appear before me and the second my ears hear the voice that was forgotten I can not feel anything else. I feel love and I have wanted this love to come from this light for so long. It has been a dream and a fanatasy from my childhood. I am so in tune with this voice in many ways and very distant in others. It would allow a part of my world to be exposed and have air that it has never ever had. The one is comfortable in the sense that I know what to expect and there is an element of control, but also an element that is caged and if this path is chosen it will be locked away forever. Is that the way I want it to be.

The light forces me to compete again, the one does not. The one knows that now me and the light remembers the old. I want to be the old. I am not of sound mind it seems in this decision, the weight of which bears much. I am beyond my will power to resist either and the setting of eyes makes my brain ache of question.

Believe in yourself is a statement my mother drilled into my head. It seems this is the way to view this. Maybe I should truely just be on my own, but that would in a snese mean chosing the light because the one would be crushed.

They both confess love and both confess this love to be deep and meaningful. They both propose mariage. One has been chosen but in reality would not have been if the light had been shown and if the light was truely known. The light was in the world but faded when the one stepped up and claimed dominance.

I wonder though. Should the one know the light exists. Is my method of coping one that should remain intact or in the need of fairness should he be made aware. Simply admiting could lead to danger. Simply admitting could sway the mind of the one. I can not carry this train of thought tonight.... now the question, who will my mind wander to and dream of tonight.