Unthinkable

I caved I fb messenged him even though it goes against all things rational or smart. I did it and immediately regretted it. It instantly made me a whiny, needy little baby that screamed "look how desperate I am" What the hell was I thinking!!!!
He never messenged back....thanks bud......asshole. I know offically it was all a stupid game and I thought it was more. I stupidly trusted him...I am so glad I didn't do anything drastic. Can you imagine??? Mystery mind, can you even fathom where I would be right now.

My day was boring. I fianlly got some sleep and then I played with the kids, cooked dinner, did the bath, book bed routin and then worked out, cleaned the toy room, did laundry and here I sit. I should be cleaning the kitchen and the rest of the house but I am sitting here watching Real Housewives.

I am having brain block tonight and my fingers are not processing creatively.

Erotic Element of the Condemned Scorpio

This is a reflection, this is a damnation
This is an expression, this brings the friction

Here it is is red and black
My life isn't one you want to explore
I am not the average
I rise above in the pages beneath
I am a vixen when the bar flashes in front of me
Here it is in black and white
Don't look and judge
Don't assume
You will never win, you will never get me.
I am untouchable, I am something you have never discovered.
To look you see nothing, you know there is more there but you can't imagine
Since tiny I wrote the words my mind commanded
Since little I know I was special
I am a creature of sex, I radiate it
I am controlled by it, drawn to it and I bask in it
Come taste it and realise this isn't average
Get past the look in my eye and you will see the freak.
I can't explain, no one gets it, no one sees me the way I am
I can hide, I am hidden and no one will every find me
In my mind I am bad
In my head I am an abject of my own desire
I want you to want me
I want your eyes on me
I want to command your smile
I want the best
Erotic elements rule my life
I live the life of the condemned Scorpio
This display to only that, a screen a front so that you will never realize what I can do
I am deep.

Because I am a freakin' beast.

You can't get to me, you can't touch me, truely I kick ass.

I want to strut myself, I want you to see it, to truely want it. I want to march past you in my high heels, shaking my ass and commanding all eyes. I am not weak and I am not done. I want to knock you all off your feet.

I am feeling like I have everything and I am going to make you believe whenever your eyes are on my mystery reader. You will feel my presence, I am not run of the mill and there is no mould. Bring it baby, I wanna strut!

2:12 am

Why will my children not sleep!?????? Ever. I am so sick of this, of feeling tired all the time, of trying to function on 3 hours of sleep during the day while Ethan is asleep and not cranky. I am so tired of feelwing like a life starved zombie trying to make it to the next intersection of life.
Makayla wants to be up all night too, she has been throwing a fit every time she wakes up.... which has been 4 times since her bed time at 7:00pm. I am seriously at the end of my rope. I don't know what I am supposed to do, how I am supposed to do anything or how to make this better.
My kids are grumpy all day because they never sleep and then at night they are awake all night just because there is nothing better to do that scream and cry at 2:12 in the morning. People do this, they have three kids and they function. Many woman can just do it and be happy and smile and just be everything to everyone with a plastic fucking smile on their faces. I am not one of these womane, I cannot function without sleep. I can not do anything if I feel like shit and I refuse to play barbie when all I can think of is how nice it would be to be under my blankets and sleep until my body tells me to wake up
I am never going to be able to do anything in my life the way things are now.....I can't fucking sleep at all and trying just pisses me off..q.how the fuck am I supposed to sleep if 30 seconds after I close my eyes a child wakes up and screams blood murder until I figure out how to fix the problem. Maybe I am the qfucking problem, I am qmust be doing something wrong that two of my chqildren refuse to sleep for anymore than an hour without waking and screaming.

He is doing all the right things

My husband is doing everything right to make me fall in love with him all over again. He has put his playstation to rest when the kids are awake and today he even surprised me with flowers.
How do I explain this without sounding wrong. I love him, I know I do but it isn't the same anymore, even though he is doing everything right.
How do I explain that I am messed up, that I can't be everything I want to be and be with me. He brings me down, he doesn't lift me up. Our lives are unproductive, boring and a death sentence and he is fine with that. I need more out of life now and I have no idea how to achieve that. Then I wonder if I am only feeling like I need to be alone so that I can say I have made a change, even though that is probably not the right path to take. My brain is never satisified and that is the problem.
I have so many regrets in my past, everything from the way my relationship progresses to not finishing college.....to not living....I was not smart...how do I change this trend.

Maybe I was wrong

I thought I needed you to make me happy, I thought I needed your words to feel strong and I thought I needed your love to keep me strong but I am finding out that I just don't. For a week now you have shut the doors, you have tuned me out and it seems easy.... very easy for you. You fucked with me, that was all it was. You turned my world around and your played your fucking game for nothing. Enjoy every single thing you have. I am better off. At the end of the day all your hopes and dreams just get washed away as if written in sand. I live in the real world where food has to be earned and money doesn't just appear in my hand. In this jungle only the strong survive and I am done with being held up by false promises of a better tomorrow.

Somehow I am going to make life work, and I am going to get farther and be more than I am right this minute. I am restless and I am tired of being held down by life. I am going to start living. I am glad I have realised that I don't need you to help me breath.

I will admit I am scared though becuase one of these days in the future you are going to pop back into my life. I am not stupid, I know how this game works. Oqne of these days you will be bored with fucking anything that walks and you will decide to look me up and you will messenge me wanting to be friends and wanting to get back what was there. I don't know how I will react to this. I would love to say my sensible brain will pravile and I will ignore you, delete you and pretend it never happened. But I know myself and I know I will messenge you and dramatic bullshit will insue.

I hate that this got to me so much, I look back at my posts and I look like a whiny baby that can't express anything.

I am standing, I am breath, your a fucking tool that can't handle life. I am strong and powerful and determined to get every inch of life out of this and now....finally.....you don't matter.


12:09am and life is an open book that I am writing to me. Somehow because I shared this blog, it has been directed to you and away from my center. I am taking it back. I am writing for myself and to myself from now on.....you truely have no place here. I want to call this stage Acceptance

Beyond the Edge

I stared into oblivion and survived. Last night I laid in my bed and pleaded with god to turn back time. Back to that momment in the room when it all went down and I wish I had taken a momment to look you in the eyes and tell you I love you. Every single element in my life would be different. Would I be better off, I don't know, but it feels like it was supposed to happen and didn't.

I gotta get past this and I am trying... I only checked my inbox 12 times hoping for an e-mail from you.

I don't know where I am at...I want to know and I don't.

I don't want to think

Anymore......every.....