The Deep End

Today sucked. Not really a reason for it but it really did. I was reduced to tears, locked in the bathroom. I feel like I am failing at everything right now and it has me in this clouded funk.
I want to run away and I guess that is what I am doing on Tuesday, breaking out of my reality. I am excited and scared for my meeting. How will I react to seeing him. It is one thing to see him on camera and to hear his voice on the phone but it is a whole other world in the real world.
I know I want his body, I know I want him to do everything and anything for me. I want to be fucked and fucked well. He can do that, he wants me to fuck him. I have my husband's blessing to do this, I am not cheating but it feels odd, like I am cheating. I honestly don't know if I will go through with this. It will all be a momment decision. It is time to sink or swim and I am not even sure if I know how to float.

For this I want to be hot, I want to be attractive and I don't even know how to do this anymore....I guess it is hard when the best piece of clothing I own is track pants. I wish it were summer, I would be able to wear a dress then and it would be easy. This is not easy. I am stuck.

I have no money either so going out and getting something new is not an option. I don't even have hot panties lol.

So...........................................lost