Did it!

I did it tonight. Three minutes ago in fact. I changed. I got off the bad track and found a new one. I am going to be real. Truthful to the core and I am going to let my past sins be past sins. I have prayed. I asked for forgiveness and I have sought council. The past happened and I deeply regret it and I am always going to but it is time to move on. God will let me be free of the burdens. I do not beseech God as often as I should. Maybe this had to happen to make me see the light anew. Good night. And much love mystery mind!

Once Upon a time....

On a night like today my mind is clear. Too often I stare at this page and try to be deep enough to make sense even though half the time it becomes jumbled. Tonight I sit her and I need to see things in the daylight. Who am I.

Let me start. I am unemployed. I haven't written that yet or even let the words rest in my brain. I have no job and so far no ambition to find anything because I can't wrap my head around not being embraced by the chaos that was Sunshine. That place was home and I feel like my family is now shattered. I miss having people beside me when I needed them and I miss enjoying success, failures, hardships, fun with them. I have tried to think of this as a step forward, but honestly I am terrified of it being a step back. I had something there that I am so afraid I am never going to have again. I was accpeted, I was real there and I greeted most days with a smile. I will still greet everyday with a smile and maybe sunshine had to happen to let me see that I can....be...more. I will make anything and everything my own. I will be SOMETHING.

What else.

My relationship. I am still pining over the one I can't have and trying to build a life with the one I can. I am getting better at realizing the potiential of what I have and I am learning that the one I don't have is a friend and that is enough. He is still the person I run to when I am mad at David and that is wrong. That is not helping at all. There is another on my mind but I don't take him seriously. A few years ago I did, but now I am....more mature. Althought I think saying the word mature makes me childish. He makes me smile. And he essential adds excitement to my boring life.


What else am I about.

My children make me smile. They are an endless bundle of energy and excitement and fun and I feel like I need to stop trying to box that in. I am guilty of being a boring mom and a lazy mom. I need to stop that. Laziness rules too much of my life, actually pretty much my whole life. I take the easy route always and I never put all the effort I could into my home life. I need to turn this around. I want to be more for my children and I want them to see that the world is full of beauty and promise....not stress. I am guilty of leading a stress filled life that really has no stress. I make things harder than it needs to be. I need to smile more, think less.....and Live A Lot!

I guess that is it.....I have figured it out.... :D :D

Control

Life it seems to me is all about control. When you are the one doing the controlling you are on top. But when you are the one controlled you wallow at the bottom. He is in control in a sense and it hurts me. I have no rights to be in control, I mean I have done the same with no shame and yet his escapades have left me broken. I wish I was stronger because then the words spoken to another female wouldn't hurt. It is always the way in this relationship of mine that I get kicked when I am down. Right now I am not allowed to feel the way I want. I can't wear make up so I look like shit. My acne is worse than it ever has been, I am fat. My teeth will never be fixed and all in all I look like the punch line to every hick joke ever created. It is in this fraile state that my tears come frequently and it is beginning to feel as if I don't know how to exist without tears streaming down my face. This relationship hurts, but that is the same for all relationships at one time or another, right?

Real Life

Who Am I
I am lazy, I am unproductive. I am tired all the time. I am scared, I am lonely. I am ugly, I am painful. I don't want remorse. I don't want pity. I don't want you to even think of me. I am the hidden, the distant, I am the one you are never quite sure about. I am what happens when you give up. No matter what I am still here. I am never going to be enough, I am never going to be truely happy. Dispite myself will keep striving for your vision of perfection. I am the shadow, I am the dark. I am the dead and I am the deaf.

STOP

I don't have to be.

I don't want to be.

Tomorrow I am going to open my eyes and greet the world anew. I will be better. I will try harder even though I don't think I can. I am not going to go down without a fight. I am not going to be a death sentence for myself. I am going to be more. I am going to be inspiring, I am going to  be invincable and I AM GOING TO BE A BETTER ME.

PERIOD.

SO FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE THAT KEEP BRINGING ME DOWN. FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE THAT AREN'T AROUND. Fuck all the Drama, Fuck all the hate. FUCK PERFECTION. Fuck the world that I don't fit into, fuck the fuckers that do. I am done with this bullshit and done with this mindset and I am done feeling guilty for those I have left in the past. I don't miss you, i don't need you. It was NOT MY FAULT you turned out to be the scum of the Earth. FucK my brain and it's fucked up resolution. I am strong enough, I am loved enough by myself and on my own.

Ice Water

My thoughts go to the cold, even though this may seem dramatic, it sees me bare foot and direct. It sees me placing one foot in front of the other and clearly progressing. It sees no thought, it sees no vision, it feels no wind, it feels nothing. Down the street in the snow this vision takes me, my feet should fail on the ice but they stride along as if on track. My mind is blank.To the place where the water meets the moon does this thought go. I look at the sky, at the moon. I look past the ice, past the snow, past it all and only see the white shining moon. My feet stop to look, thoughts do not come, warning is no good. Automatically my legs move, mechianically the start ahead. My eyes, unblinking stare at the moon. Even as the icy slush swells around my legs, even as the ice tries to stop me. I stare at the moon and become a part of it. I stare at the moon and feel nothing. I water creeps slowly higher as I move toward the light. That light is the only thing that matters now, I see nothing else. I feel nothing else, I want nothing else. I feel calm, my soul feels closed. My body now shuts down as it must. I lay down in surreder and never once think of what is coming to pass. My vision sees the stars, twinkling, shining, shimmering. Beautiful. I stare unblinking at the stars, no thoughts fill my head, finally completely free, finally there is no noise, no stress. The stars start to fade and I close my eyes. I don't want to see the stars in any other light.

Kinda lost.

I am not sure but tonight I am just in a hard place. I feel like I am not on top of my game. Today was a hard day and it is late and maybe that is why I don't feel....confident.

Why does it feel like I have to be entertainment to a man to be confident in myself. David very rarely has any compliments for me and it is as if I need those compliments to be anything, since they are not coming from my husband I need them to come from someone and tonight and for the past couple of days they have not come at all.

J has a girlfriend. He seems really happy and it kills me in a way but I knew it had to come at some point. It was a matter of shit or get off the pot. I am happy with David to the extent that I won't leave so J was not mine to keep. Such is life.

There is another in my mind set, he is double my age and that is essential part of the appeal, you see it is the difference between a boy and a man. He is just using me, but I am using him too. At one point in my life I had tto stop contact with him because I was too attached. He was becoming to important to me, to my daily life. I am in a better place now, I know how to place the game, I know my role and I know his. I like the way I feel on the days I talk to him, I like the energy he provides me with and the sparkle he ignites in a place in my sole that D can not get to.

The night is old and to sleep I must go. For the day tomorrow will be of importance. Tomorrow I have to find a way to shine without my sparke.

Truth - Prefection

I am happy with life as of late but I am not sure I would be if I didn't have my vices. In this corner I have a few that follow my lead and are there when my tendancies creep up. I have done things that give me the complex of badass, I have done things that would make many blush. I have done things so many would find wrong. I am powerful on days like this because of those things. I can't make your "get it" you can't because you don't live my brain.

My vices keep me stimulated, they keep me hard and they keep my smiling. In this world I am the queen althought it is not said. Many would find this lifestyle unsatisifying. I find it to be bliss. I have it all. I have the conversation, the edge, the professional, the love, the truth, the light and the erotic. Charmed in the life of this I am.

This world hangs by a thread and I guess that is essentially what makes me love it so much.  I have my pick of the litter in a sense but if I ever did chose one then everything would fall apart. By not chosing I live the life I chose.

It has become clear that love is about chosing what is shown and what isn't. I have learned that I am not going to be fullfilled in every sence by one path. I am to wild for the normal and even though I must appear calm, cool, collected and tame in the eyes of the world I am not in the hidden world I have.

I have the minds of a group. I have the world in my hand and I couldn't be myself without this. I can't even imagine life in any other sense. I need too much. In this world of prefection I will admit that I am not a woman of one and thus the world cringes and looks at me with distain. But I am me, I may be wrong but in the world of fakes I am the fakest one and queen.