This page has been dormant for so long. It isn't that I didn't have words to say it just was that I wasn't sure how to get them out. This blog has always been random, a place for me to belong. I am more alive within these pages than I am most places...but I am trying to change that.
Six months ago I felt so disconnected from the world. Like I could see everything but nothing was real. Not in the sense that I don't exist but more in the sense that I don't know how to respond. I have changed and now my life is good. I'm a mom and that is a good thing. I take care of my home that that is now a thing to be proud of instead a a dreaded chore that sucks the life out of me. I actually take pride in my ability to keep up.
My head is new. I don't do things because the world wants me to or because the world does it a certain way. I now know directly how to processes my feelings to a situation and make decisions based on them. I don't allow myself to be directed. This might sound like common sense to you but in my world I am pulled in so many ways I can get clouded. Processing and responding have never been my strong suit.
The point of this post is to state that I know how to move my own mind and direct my ambitions. I haven't found a place yet where all of that is productive but I know I have to be moving in the right direction. I don't feel fenced or chained in. I move my feet and they take me to places that allow life to happen. I don't want my children to forget how to live life like so many people in the world do now. the endless circle of non self-fulfillment is a dead sentence and I want to encourage my children to build a life that nourishes their souls in a deeper way and I don't necessarily mean religion, I just mean a connection to themselves and their surroundings.
For now, good night....I'll be back....this feels good.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Trying to keep my head above water
As always I have run to the comfort of the page for solstice. I feel like I am failing in every way.
My husband has tried to solict sex from two women, both of which denied him. But he still tried. I am so hurt and it keeps popping up, over and over again everytime any sort of stress hits me. I don't know what to think because half of me wants to say good bye and the other half of me can't hurt him, even though he has ripped my heart out. I want to scream and flip out so much and I can't. I have to hold my emotions and do everything I can to keep my kids from seeing that it hurts. They are two yong to understand, they need there daddy and because of that I will stay with him. Because he loves his kids and they love him and I wnat him to be with them every day and see them always. I don't want them to have my childhood.
But this means he gets to wlak on me. He swears he will never do this again but no matter how much he says it I don't believe it.
So I have been trying to make myself stronger. I have been trying to find a place with him in Barrie, that search is so fruitless. I have been trying to find a job and I keep getting brushed off. It sucks to feel so unneeded and like a failure.
I don't feel like I am not getting anywhere in life and I don't know how to fix it. It feels like that the whole 6 years at sunshine were such a waste, I gained nothing of real world value from it. I hate it. I hate how hard this is. I know life isn't easy but lately with every door slamming in my face it is almost impossible.
My husband has tried to solict sex from two women, both of which denied him. But he still tried. I am so hurt and it keeps popping up, over and over again everytime any sort of stress hits me. I don't know what to think because half of me wants to say good bye and the other half of me can't hurt him, even though he has ripped my heart out. I want to scream and flip out so much and I can't. I have to hold my emotions and do everything I can to keep my kids from seeing that it hurts. They are two yong to understand, they need there daddy and because of that I will stay with him. Because he loves his kids and they love him and I wnat him to be with them every day and see them always. I don't want them to have my childhood.
But this means he gets to wlak on me. He swears he will never do this again but no matter how much he says it I don't believe it.
So I have been trying to make myself stronger. I have been trying to find a place with him in Barrie, that search is so fruitless. I have been trying to find a job and I keep getting brushed off. It sucks to feel so unneeded and like a failure.
I don't feel like I am not getting anywhere in life and I don't know how to fix it. It feels like that the whole 6 years at sunshine were such a waste, I gained nothing of real world value from it. I hate it. I hate how hard this is. I know life isn't easy but lately with every door slamming in my face it is almost impossible.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
At the biggest crossroad of my life
He has cheated, he tried to get sex from other women...they denied him but he still tried and tried hard. He tried so hard he is banned from a Walmart store because he sexual harassed a girl until she couldn't handle it anymore.
Now what...
I told him I don't know if I can stay with him, but in the same 24 hours I said that and then slept with him. I am so unbelievably confused and I am confusing him and I don't know what to do.
I feel like I should be hurting so much more than I am, I feel like I should not even be remotely considering staying here. What is wrong with me that I can allow him to cheat, allow him to lie to my face for months and still stay here with him. What kind of woman does this.
I don't know how to leave, I don't even know the first step. I don't know how to do this. I have no job, I am making barely anything on EI and I don't have a way. Staying is the best option isn't it.
Forever I am going to be scarred and scared and hurt and I don't know how to trust him again. He keeps doing things to hurt me and each time they are worse, he has hurt me more than any person ever has. I am starting to feel indifferent as to if I am with him or not and that tells me that this relationship is not good for me.
He has profused his love many many times over the past few days, he has cried at my feet, he has begged me to stay, he has begged me to let him stay. He says he knows this is going to take time, but I don't know how much time, it could be forever. He swears this will never happen again, he promises that he will never hurt me again, he swears he will change. But, people don't change unless they really want to for themselves and he doesn't want to for himself...he only wants to so he is not alone.
I am so stressed and all I want to do is sleep because only then do all the stupid emotions and worries fade away. I don't want to be in this situation.
I look to my left and I see me alone with the kids struggling but fighting hard to make a life for me and them. I don't know if I am smiling in this scene. I don't know how to have a job in this light, i don't know how to survive really, but I do know that if I have to I will do everything I can to make it work. I don't know if there is love in this world either, love from another. Do I want to be in a relationship with someone else.
On the right, I stay, life continues as it always has and David is here with his kids even if it is only in a context that has a playstation attached. I don't know if in this world I am happy, I don't know if I have a relationship with trust...essentially I don't know if it has love. I don't know if this reality will open the door for me to be hurt again. Will he do it again.....I am almost positive he will.
I don't know if we are meant for each other anymore. Here come the tears again.
I am so pissed off that he has done this, put me here. I hate him for putting me here.
Now what...
I told him I don't know if I can stay with him, but in the same 24 hours I said that and then slept with him. I am so unbelievably confused and I am confusing him and I don't know what to do.
I feel like I should be hurting so much more than I am, I feel like I should not even be remotely considering staying here. What is wrong with me that I can allow him to cheat, allow him to lie to my face for months and still stay here with him. What kind of woman does this.
I don't know how to leave, I don't even know the first step. I don't know how to do this. I have no job, I am making barely anything on EI and I don't have a way. Staying is the best option isn't it.
Forever I am going to be scarred and scared and hurt and I don't know how to trust him again. He keeps doing things to hurt me and each time they are worse, he has hurt me more than any person ever has. I am starting to feel indifferent as to if I am with him or not and that tells me that this relationship is not good for me.
He has profused his love many many times over the past few days, he has cried at my feet, he has begged me to stay, he has begged me to let him stay. He says he knows this is going to take time, but I don't know how much time, it could be forever. He swears this will never happen again, he promises that he will never hurt me again, he swears he will change. But, people don't change unless they really want to for themselves and he doesn't want to for himself...he only wants to so he is not alone.
I am so stressed and all I want to do is sleep because only then do all the stupid emotions and worries fade away. I don't want to be in this situation.
I look to my left and I see me alone with the kids struggling but fighting hard to make a life for me and them. I don't know if I am smiling in this scene. I don't know how to have a job in this light, i don't know how to survive really, but I do know that if I have to I will do everything I can to make it work. I don't know if there is love in this world either, love from another. Do I want to be in a relationship with someone else.
On the right, I stay, life continues as it always has and David is here with his kids even if it is only in a context that has a playstation attached. I don't know if in this world I am happy, I don't know if I have a relationship with trust...essentially I don't know if it has love. I don't know if this reality will open the door for me to be hurt again. Will he do it again.....I am almost positive he will.
I don't know if we are meant for each other anymore. Here come the tears again.
I am so pissed off that he has done this, put me here. I hate him for putting me here.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Painfully Obvious
Dear Mystery Mind out there in the world
I am sad tonight and mouring for something I don't have...attention. I am going to be painfully truthful with myself and point out that it is not love I am wanting, because I have that. I just don't dazzle his senses, I don't impress him, I feel like I am not enough to capture his interest. This leads me to believe I have to branch out and find someone to dazzle, impress and capture. I don't feel good enough if I don't have a boy pining over me and I know that is my flaw and not everyone elses.
Is it so wrong for me to want a man that finds me atractive? I don't only mean sexually but a man that is drawn to me and wants to be with me and have conversation with me. One that isn't tied to something else. Is it wrong for me to want a man that wants to help me in every way possible. Is it wrong for me to want a man that looks me in the eyes and I can feel that I mean so much to him. Is it wrong for me to want a man that doesn't think sex with me is a joke. With David it is almost as if every suggestive thing I do brings fits of laughter instead of thoughts of intamitcy. He doesn't take me seriously, The other day I said something to him and it is the realest thing to ever pass my lips. "You take your pretend world seriously and your real world as a joke." I'm a joke to him. I want to be completely right for someone.
I am sad tonight and mouring for something I don't have...attention. I am going to be painfully truthful with myself and point out that it is not love I am wanting, because I have that. I just don't dazzle his senses, I don't impress him, I feel like I am not enough to capture his interest. This leads me to believe I have to branch out and find someone to dazzle, impress and capture. I don't feel good enough if I don't have a boy pining over me and I know that is my flaw and not everyone elses.
Is it so wrong for me to want a man that finds me atractive? I don't only mean sexually but a man that is drawn to me and wants to be with me and have conversation with me. One that isn't tied to something else. Is it wrong for me to want a man that wants to help me in every way possible. Is it wrong for me to want a man that looks me in the eyes and I can feel that I mean so much to him. Is it wrong for me to want a man that doesn't think sex with me is a joke. With David it is almost as if every suggestive thing I do brings fits of laughter instead of thoughts of intamitcy. He doesn't take me seriously, The other day I said something to him and it is the realest thing to ever pass my lips. "You take your pretend world seriously and your real world as a joke." I'm a joke to him. I want to be completely right for someone.
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Wtf
Brain wtf. Who don't need this stupidity . Heart why have you ganged up on me. Don't I get a say.
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Wrapped around backwards
As I often do this post will be wrapped in confusion as my brain is in confusion. I know this is a game that has been born out of a need, a need to be alive, a need to have a place and a need for acceptance. I know he is playing this game and still the words are amazing, the affection that is shown makes me pretend it is not a game. But why, I have no plan to persue, no plan to make this real. I guess there is a need to be different and of things lacking that makes this appealing. I don't understand it but it makes me feel ok, even for a little while and there is this thing where he looks me in the eyes and I melt. I know he wants me to feel this way, he wants to be conversation in my head, he wants me to feel something so that I will change my mind. Why do I have this need to have something else. Something more than everyday. It saddens me that I can't feel complete unless I am worped. I feel like I have written this exact post before...and have. I am scared though...where do I go from here if all of a sudden I don't have an alternate. I am sad my brain even thinks that is a problem.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
On this night
I needed this blank page tonight, this one with the flashing line waiting for me to spill my thoughts on to it. It was as if a craving had ensued. Dear paper, I am lost
I am not sure how I ever got to this place that is lower than low and I don't know how to make it come to light in any other way other than to type it tonight. I am more lost than ever. I am barely existing, honestly I don't exist outside of these walls and instead of them suffocating me as I am used to now they are comfortable. Too comfortable. I want more, but I don't even know where to start. I want a job that matters....maybe that is because I thought I had one and found out I didn't. I want to pick up the pieces but I am finding myself standing over the pieces too much and admiring the mosaic they make. I am not getting anywhere... I rarely have a smile and I want to smile. It is starting to feel like my days are filled with quicksand. I am making poor choices, eatting bad things, sleeping as much as I can, the house is as messy as ever and I find myself constantly looking at everything and wondering how I got here. How did I go from sitting at the top to now being... nothing. I am so lost, more lost than ever and I don't know how to get out of this.
Help
I am not sure how I ever got to this place that is lower than low and I don't know how to make it come to light in any other way other than to type it tonight. I am more lost than ever. I am barely existing, honestly I don't exist outside of these walls and instead of them suffocating me as I am used to now they are comfortable. Too comfortable. I want more, but I don't even know where to start. I want a job that matters....maybe that is because I thought I had one and found out I didn't. I want to pick up the pieces but I am finding myself standing over the pieces too much and admiring the mosaic they make. I am not getting anywhere... I rarely have a smile and I want to smile. It is starting to feel like my days are filled with quicksand. I am making poor choices, eatting bad things, sleeping as much as I can, the house is as messy as ever and I find myself constantly looking at everything and wondering how I got here. How did I go from sitting at the top to now being... nothing. I am so lost, more lost than ever and I don't know how to get out of this.
Help
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