Needed: Eyes on the Back of my Head....

I honestly think that mom's require eyes on the back of their head's....it is the only way to keep up oh and maybe and extra set of hands while we are at it. Needless to say my day has been hectic. I am getting a little frusterated with my fiance. This is nothing new but lately it is more apparent because I finally have the entire house clean. a feat that should be rewarded with a medal and a million dollar cheque. This feat is near impossible and I made it happen.
But now the hard part comes clear....keeping it that way. Oddly enough it is not the 2 year old that is the main problem. It is David. I have never noticed how much I clean up after him until now. I knew he was getting spoiled with my....constant maintainance but lately it is crazy.
It is like having a third child. I am venting and I know this article is not going to come off good, but I need to get this all out and he is the best place, it doesn't hurt anyone.
He is lazy, unhelpful, sarcastic, childish, immature and just a pain in the ass. I don't think taking items out to the blue box is hard, or putting his shoes in the closet or his socks in the laundry basket. These little things add up and they happen constantly. Anything that has to be done with the children is a chore and most times adds up to an eye roll, sigh and then if I am lucky he gets up and does what needs to be done. It is hard! I wish that when the baby is crying or Sara needs a diaper change that he would just do it instead of wait to see if I will do it or mention it. I just don't know how he can be so...irresponisble. I hate his playstation with a passion!!! Originally I was jealous of the machine because it got the most and the better part of his time and now I simply hate it because it has prioriety over soooo many things, not to mention it is in the center of our living room and heaven forbide I have to pass in front of it to get to the children or something else imporant. I have to let him know I need to pass and wait until it is convient for me to pass. I want to smash the playstation to little tiny bits and then burn those bits and throw the ashes in the toilet and flush them! Stupid ass machine.
I am....stuck.........

Lonely

I will warn that this post tonight will contain sexual content that not all readers will want to know. I don't think too many people read this so I am not worried. I basically need someone to talk to so I will type to the abyss tonight about my pain.

My relationship with my fiance is not typical. In most depicted relationships the man is one with the high sexual drive. That is not the case in my relationship and this is slowly tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. My man would rather plan video games, watch movies...even cartoons that be intimate with me. It isn't to say that he doesn't want to have sex with me at all...it just has to be on his terms and on his timeline. He always says that he has no time, that he has to sleep so he can go to work rested. My needs get pushed away as if they don't matter. The past two days I have been practically begging for it only to be tured down. I am sick of it!!! I tried everything I could think of to get him to want me in that way....wore the clothes he likes, did my hair the way he likes, make-up the whole deal and still got turned away.
I am done with this. I am not going to try and try to get him to want me. I am finished. I hate how I can feel so good and he can just......wreck me this way. I am crying and I hate crying. I am so sick of this, it makes me feel like shit, like I am not worthy of him and that I should have to beg and plead and be happy with whatever I get. NOOOO...
Can I do this
Can I be in a relationship where my needs are not.........respected. I don't know sometimes, I really don't. Tonight I just want to go in there, rip open and scream. If I am not good enough for you then fine go find someone like you that doesn't care about making love. I want to make him feel as small as he has made me feel tonight. I want to....feel like I matter....
But instead I sit in a corner and type to the world, a world that can't fix my problems....only he can and he won't....
I'm done

Image

I am staring at an old photo of myself tonight and in it I am young and hot and attractive. I had a firm body with little body fat, perky little boobs that I always wished were bigger. I thought I was fat, I weighed 120lbs and I told myself everyday that I was a fat pig.
Now when I look in the mirror I am puzzled as to what I should think of myself. I have an endless supply of dislikes when it comes to the person I see staring back. I have belly fat leftover from carrying my children, no part of me is nearly as skinny as I once was. But here is the odd thing.....
I don't look at myself with disgust.
Back in this picture I couldn't look at my body without finding faults...defects...imperfections and ugliness....and I would kill to look that way now. Yet with this imprefect body I now have, I am not unhappy. Yes I can't wear the clothing I once could, I struggle to find clothes that compliment. But I am happy with me. For me this is a big thing.
I have always been a private person when it comes to things that I consider weakness. Never ever would I confess how awful I was to myself in order to try and impress members of the opposite sex. I based so much on getting attention from certain guys back in high school. Now I look back and I can't help but laugh at my feeble attempts to find santuary. In essence santuary at that time for me was having someone "love" me or at least be attached to me. It meant so much when I had a "boyfriend". I use these terms loosely as back then holding hands and kissing was a major step in a relationship. I put myself down so much just to seek out...acceptance.
I don't know who I was trying to be in the past. I don't know what I wanted to achieve with my attempts to attract guys to my side, but it felt like it meant everything.
Now.... I am loved, truely loved. Maybe that is the difference. Real love means acceptance of each other fully and without reservation. I am completely commited to my man because our love is not shallow or self centered or greedy. I do for him more so than I do for myself because I want to. Everything I am is based on real true lasting love, not air filled, cotton candy dreams and crushes. Reality in life allows for reality in oneself

Beauty.....

The smallest things in life are amasing. One of my best friends gave birth yesterday to a little girl. Seeing that little tiny baby just made me realize how big my little baby is now. It is amasing how quickly babies grow. It is hard to just sit back and capture the momment sometimes. It just amases me!
I have been feeling like I have a little more energy lately. I was able to complete a lot of things that I have been wanting to. Sara is with my mom for a little while and it gives me time to hang out with my little Makayla. I love watching her play and laugh and just be a little person. She has been really grumpy lately and it is really trying David and I. There are days when I would give anything for her to just be happy. Some days nothing at all works at it makes me crazy. I have to sit back and just let her get it out of her system and I just have to remember to breath. It is hard, I will not pretend I am a put together mom that can handle it all the time. She has developed this stage where she can not be held by any other woman. Sometime she will it with a guy for a little while before getting aggitated. But she will not even look at another woman other than her mommy, not even grandma. It is hard when your child is so demanding.
Hmmmm....where else am I in life?.... I am planning like crazy for the Buck and Doe. I think it will be a blast if I can get people in the door. I am really excited for it!

Nothing else is going on in my life right now. I am a full blow domesticated mommy and I am really understanding that being a mommy means so much in so many ways! I love my babies and my superman! Kiss!

2 1/2 year old drama queen

Being a mom is hard. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is funny how when you get pregnant, at least I did this, woman seem to think about all the baby things..the good things. We never think about the crying fits, the throwing things, the bed time drama....basically toddlerhood in a nut shell.

Tonight has been tough, Sara is crazy. I am worried I am not raising her right. There is a fine line between too little punishment and too much and I am trying to be an... understanding mom with out being too soft. I don't want daddy to always be the punishment giver and therefore the bad guy but sometime I feel I am at a lose. I don't know how to make her understand...it will just take time. I have tried to be forceful and control the situation but how do you do that. How as a parent do you stay the one in control instead of the demon hell child that wants to hip things at your head and scream at you whenever they don't get their way. I am a believer in time out and I do not believe in spankings. I do use them as a last resort, but not in pain, just to get attention. Sometimes nothing works and I just have to put her on her bed and close the door and walk away. I have shed many tears because of situations that seem out of control. I hate disaplining but I know it is the only way she is going to learn how to behave properly.

I have tried to de-stress a bit today. I went for a power walk tonight in my efforts to battle the bulge for my wedding dress. I also had my hair and makeup pretrail today and I am now very excited about all of that. Tonight though, it just doesn't seem all that exciting to rite about. I am feeling a little lonely tonight. Other than this computer screen I don't have anyone to talk about the crazy toddler-ness with...no one would understand....
Good night

Reality...

I have realized why I created this blog....it is better to type and talk to myself than to not talk or type at all. I am lonely. David and I won't see each other much today as he has a lot of work tonight and needs to sleep all day to prep for it. I will not see or speak to another adult today. It is hard when the only person to hear your voice is a two year old who is rebelling.
I am not in a great state of mind today. I just don't feel happy. I am cold, I can't warm up no matter how many sweaters I wear. I fear I am getting sick. Being sick with children is the hardest thing in the world. You still have to operate no mattter what. I have my fiance for help but he has to work, he has to bring in the money so I have to do my job and suck it up. I have no energy, I feel exhausted like I haven't slept in days. Nights have been rough lately as Makayla isn't sleeping through anymore.
I am worried about my mental state. I have just been discharged from my therapist but I almost wish that I hadn't been. I don't feel better, or happy....but I think I have fooled the doctors which is exactly what I wanted to do. But maybe it is just the rough patch I am in with Sara. I am trying to be more assertive with her as I feel she is starting to be in control when it should be me that is in control. She hits, kicks, doesn't listen....just rebells and it is deficult to deal with. We use time out as our method of disapline. If she does something bad she goes on the time out chair for 2 minutes, if she constantly screams or doesn't stay on her time out chair she gets addition minutes. If it something very bad like hitting or throwing things then she goes to her bed for time out. Afterwards she must say she is sorry and what she is sorry for and apologise to the person injured by her. It seems to work most times but today it feels like she is living on time out....and that is emotionally exhausting for me.
I feel like I desperatly need a break but I can't have one. Makayla must be with me at all times. To leave her with any family will simply not work. She will scream and scream until she falls asleep. It is so hard.
...........................

Here comes the bride...

Smiles...big beautiful smiles... that is what a wedding is to me and that is what I do everytime I think of that momment when I walk down the aisle to my glowing fiance. That is my momment. It is going to be amasing!

For those reading this, that will be attending our wedding, I will warn that wedding spoilers will more than likely be in this blog.

I am on a wedding high this week. I have ordered my wedding dress!! That makes this so much more real for me! I can't wait to get it and put it on and know that it is mine! I love my dress and I can't wait for David to see me in it.

I think I have everything under control as far as planning is conserned. The officiant, the ceremony, the reception, the dj, the dress, and everything else. Planning is amasing and challenging all at the sametime. I know it will be amasing no matter what because I am marrying the man of my dreams. I knew the first time that I met him that I would marry him. Something just clicked in me. We just fit together so easily. I hope he knows just how much he means to me!

I am just smiling, sitting her imagining my day. Everything will be beautiful....smile!