When the world ends.

This is happening. We all know it. Some chose to accept and other turn a blind eye, but we all feel it. Deep down in a place inside our gut we feel it. We know that it is coming soon, we know it is coming fast. I am not one to ignore. I can feel it and I will not turn a bling eye. I will prepare to the best of my ability. I will do everything I can to save all that I can. I am building myself strounger, tougher, better. I am going ot be able to save my kids when I need to. I will hold my children and run if that is what must happen. Something in my mind tell me to wbe ready, that a great fate will rest on my ability. I want to make sure I am up for this challenge. I am scared.
When whatever goes down that will be going down I want to be able to function and to survive. I am scared of not being able to provide, not being able to meet the challenges ahead. I am afraid for my children.
So sure am I in my belief that I am scared to be living where we are, we are so far away from other family members. So sure am I in my belief that I am basing my future on alternatives, so sure am I that I am education myself on basic survival methods. I don't want to need them, but I know I will. I am a strodng believer that God will provide for us in some way, not neccessarily in the way of our chosing, but in a way that will work. I don't know what the futrue holds...but I do know that a massive change unlike any faced before will happen. Please people, have the strength to help yourself.

Pain

Emotionally it hurts. I don't know how to even explain how I feel. I am saddened because I am starting to see clearly that I don't really matter. He is my best friend and I guess it is not fair for me to want to know how he is every minute, for me to want to connect with him. For me to want to see him. I miss him, it has been days since I have talked to him and it hurts. Why does it hurt

4 Walla

Want the truth mystery mind....want to know it.
I am nothing, I am trash, I am a shadow of a person that dreams and wishes to be real but never will.
Get it.

I am gettting to the point where I am just never going to leave this house. Never, maybe that is better. I need to stop trying to be more, trying to be myself and just accept that all I will ever ever ever be is a snot wiping, ass wiping, meal cooking, house cleaning fuck up.

I am done with all this fucking bullshit. I am done trying to maintain my composer, what the fuck is the point. I am a caged animal that has finally be broken. I am not going to look up anymore. what the fuck is the point.
Bye outside world...you never needed me any way. Fuck it all

I am not going to get out of my pit, I might as well accept it and lay on the bottom and close my eyes.  I can't stop the pain. So now, as of tonight the scorpio has no reason to sting, the animal with in has died and there is no point to any of it.

The Roar breaths life

Music is my blood flow and it takes me from mild to out of control. I can't describe, it takes me to a new place that is not real, it can't be, it is too primal. I crave it, need it and live off of it. Few get to the true meaning of living and the sound of the song turns my eyes from brown to black. I hear the music, the sound with every inch of my body./
The music turns me into a poet
Takes my hand and guides me to the world my thoughts run free in
With the beath my brain explodes and it amasing.
No one gets to the level I get to, no one feels it like I do.
It is my drug.
Give me my dose and I am me, without it I am a shell
Kill me now, but don't take my release.
I am not in this to be understood,
I am not in this for a game
I am not in this for you
This is mine. I am darker than my exterior allows
I am a hidden beast, and this will remain.
don't cross me
You won't get a second chance.

The Deep End

Today sucked. Not really a reason for it but it really did. I was reduced to tears, locked in the bathroom. I feel like I am failing at everything right now and it has me in this clouded funk.
I want to run away and I guess that is what I am doing on Tuesday, breaking out of my reality. I am excited and scared for my meeting. How will I react to seeing him. It is one thing to see him on camera and to hear his voice on the phone but it is a whole other world in the real world.
I know I want his body, I know I want him to do everything and anything for me. I want to be fucked and fucked well. He can do that, he wants me to fuck him. I have my husband's blessing to do this, I am not cheating but it feels odd, like I am cheating. I honestly don't know if I will go through with this. It will all be a momment decision. It is time to sink or swim and I am not even sure if I know how to float.

For this I want to be hot, I want to be attractive and I don't even know how to do this anymore....I guess it is hard when the best piece of clothing I own is track pants. I wish it were summer, I would be able to wear a dress then and it would be easy. This is not easy. I am stuck.

I have no money either so going out and getting something new is not an option. I don't even have hot panties lol.

So...........................................lost

Deep into the fire

I am alive, for the first time. All things ignite, all things consume.
If this is destruction then bring it.
I feel the power. This is new.

I am emerging into a new thing, into a new person. Into a woman. Don't you see how amasing this is. The butterfly has emerged and is alive and flying for the very first time. I am dancing, I am free, I am real and I am me. For the first time in a loooooooong time I am me.

Reader, in your head you hear my words.
Do you feel the words
Do you feel the passion, the power, the emotion....the bliss.

I want to take on the world. I want the hidden freak to stalk the shadow but be free in the firelight.
This is the firelight.

Mystery Mind, your eyes bring me to life.

You won't get it

Here it is mystery mind. D and I are going to be engaging in an open relationship. We want this, need this and we have talked about it a lot. We have spoke of downfalls, of benefits, of what scares us and about what excites us. We have talked long, we have talked hard and we want this.
This allows me to endulge in a world of fantasies I have never experienced. I am excited. This is different for me and so new. I am scared because I am not really sure if a larger girl can endulge the way I want to.
I have a prospect. A safe prospect. I am taking the light. I want the light in the way my body craves, My mind is always on that one all consuming thing. How can I get laid tonight. My husband has the lowest sex drive I have ever seen in either a man or woman. I have tried getting his to want me, to want sex and it has not gone well. It has been this way for 7 years, he is not going to change and this desire is a massive part of me. It is in a sense what makes me me.
I am erotic, I am sexy and I live for the momment when I can attack my prey. I crave sex daily, hourly and will never ever turn it down as long as it is approved of in the eyes owf my husband.
I want to have sex do badly that I am letting my husband havesex with another woman. I am hoping this will increase his general want for sex. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. This is not about love, this is about a primal need that must be forfilled.
I am a creature of sex, I am temptress and I use my tongue to endulge fantasies. I am purely an animal.

A big ball of sad.

That is me tonight. I am mush, I am sad, I want to be hugged, loved , cuddled and just be warm.
I can't help that my mind tells me that he would have me that way.
I would be in his arms and nothing else would matter. I am fucked.
I don't think he cares about me anymore but I am still stuck in this place where I can't be. This is stupid, really stupid.
I am a big baby.
I hate this.

Everything has it's momment

Earlier this week I was stroeng, I was fearless.....and now....I am a PMS'ing whiny baby that wants nothing more than to be hugged. I want my bed and as soon as D gets home from bringing Sara to school I will be going there. No sleep last night again because of children awaking every half hour. I also think I am getting sick, my whole head is stuffed up.

The topic from last night is currently on the back burner as I can deal with anything with out finding a reason to burst into tears. I am such a mess.

I am sitting here amased by my Makayla girl, she is watching her favourite show and acting along with the characters and repeating everything word for word. Not to shabby for a 2 year old! Makayla is growing so big. Last night was the second night in a row that she has gone to bed without a bottle and she did much better last night than the first night. And she at all her breakfast too! This is huge as it is a massive struggle to get her to eat anything, ever. I am so happy with her right now!

My Ethan baby is asleep in his swing and he looks just as I imagine angels to look. He is softly snoring and with every breath he makes I want to kiss his chubby little cheeks. He is teething right now and more often than not he is crying so to see him in such a peaceful state makes me happy. He is still such a little guy but he has grown so much since he was placed on my chest at birth, all 5lbs of him.

I have my weigh-in today and I am half looking forward to it, I have had a good week and I hope a difference has been made, but I am enjoying a visit from Aunt Flo so that could affect things. Blah......come own D, I need to go curl into a ball under my blanket and cry a bit just for the hell of it. :( I want to be held.....I want to feel arms around me and little kisses on my neck and I want to just be loved and cared for. I guess I will settle for my quilt.

Stay strong world.