I gravitate to those like me and I am pulled to being on a creative level and I was I could connect. I never will, I don't believe in those kinds of head games.
To the person that keeps my head high.
I know you are in a hole, you speak of it freely, but you keep me sane.
I am a mom, a person consumed by time planning, nose wiping and keeping everyone alive. I am not the sort that normally gravitate to your side, to your music, but I need that sense of me that only exists when my headphones are plastered to my ears. I think you get it, that gap in reality that needs to exist for most. You draw yours out, mine can not be seen.
I am in a bad place, I don't let my eyes come above the water because I am afraid to look down and see the dead. I am chosing to ignore and thus I am lost. I am not allowed to exist in every single sense. Really at the end of the day I look in the mirror and the person looking back is confused and terrified. She screams in deaf words "What will become of me??" Grinning, I look back and I tell her that she is dead. But although she is gone I am not something else. I am a sequence of events that have to happen in order to get to tomorrow. I am hibernating.
I have lost something of great value, something most don't have and because of this it always feels like I am planning my escape with no where to run to. I lack luster, courage, means and being to just pick up and go even though most days that is exactly what I need to do.
I am writing this to you in my head because that seems a saner way to go than to just admit that I am typing to my own eyes. In reality I don't want to see the words, I know they are only dancing around the truth. I don't really know what the truth is, what I am supposed to do. Is this all I am ever going to be. I can't be more the way things are right now, it isn't allowed.
See, person in my imagination, you are tied to a container, I am tied to a diaper bag. This diaper bag has two handles, but I am still the only one holding it.
I think it is intriging how the mind says words but the body does not perform the actions attached to these words. There once were words of encouragement, words of love, words of ambition and now there is no action, no motivation. I am placed in a stagnant situation that I can find a way out of but I fear I would not be permitted or would have to bring about a new life completely. It shouldn't be this way, it kills me that it is. He just won't chose me.
Once upon a time a man loved a woman. He was a husband, a father and a role model. But then he stopped. He found a new love a way to escape and he decided he had to leave everything else behind and make this love his one and only. It happened slowly. And then, one day, his wife realised and she cried. She couldn't compete, didn't have the means. So, she let him have what his heart most desired and he was alone.
Love.... is just not enough when it is one sided. I can't be the only one to fight for this, I can't bend much more. I need to make a decision, I am not sure if my last one was a good one.
I look around here and I know what ever single decision that I would make would mean. I am scared to do anything and terrified of doing nothing. I guess getting back to the roots is the important thing but I don't even know if those are strong enough to make this work.
.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Because my brain operates in status up-dates
I am a vivid status up-dater but actually I post a lot less times than I really could because I literally thing in status posts.
Right this minute by update thoughts include
"how does one sick woman accomplish more than one healthy man in one day? Simple. Just add playstation."
"The ultimate momma work out - place cranky children that wake up constantly upstairs and the computer, tv and all other sources of entertainment downstairs."
Blah. Mama is sick. Now remember, this is not allowed. Nope. Just not. Well today it was, I slept all day. I had no choice, I thought I was dying. Daddy had to take over and somehow he was able to do it all without putting down the playstation stick. Still trying to figure that one out.
I am trying oh-so-hard to christmas-ise my house. It is hard, because I am lacking in spirit. Blame it on the lack of snow, the sickness or this damn cold but it seems I would much rather listen to Distrubed than Jingle Bells. Life is hard right now. One are litterally one can of corn away from the food bank. I cringe at the thought of how we are going to buy gifts for everyone this year. Everyone is just going to have to understand when we hand them a $10 gift card and say Merry Christmas. I hate the thought of it but that is just life.
I need to just win the freakin' lottery. That would take away every single problem that I am having. I know people say it is always green on the other side until you are there but let me see it for myself. It would take away this court matter, all our finacial problems, my stress over how to provide for my children and show everyone how much they mean to me. It would also allow me to half one more baby. Yes, I know, I have said I don't want another but my head and heart wants another one. I won't have one though given our finacial status, I don't think it would be a good idea at all. I am just going to have to live with this, and it isn't a regret, just a longing for more.
I am hurtin and stressed and I have so much anxiety related to this court case and having to be out of my comfort zone that it really is causing me to be afraid. I am trying to be strong and not break down and I keep putting off anything to do with this until I absolutely have to because it just makes me numb. I need help and I am not getting help from anywhere. Not even David. I don't feel like we are a couple in this matter, it is me doding everything and him just waiting in the background now really caring how this turns out as long as he doesn't have to do anything. The playstation is his sun, his god, his ruler and all consuming time dominator. I am so fed up with all of this and it is not making my mindset any better.
I am lost, more lost than I have ever ever ever been in my life and I can't pull myself out of this meerky state I am in.
Right this minute by update thoughts include
"how does one sick woman accomplish more than one healthy man in one day? Simple. Just add playstation."
"The ultimate momma work out - place cranky children that wake up constantly upstairs and the computer, tv and all other sources of entertainment downstairs."
Blah. Mama is sick. Now remember, this is not allowed. Nope. Just not. Well today it was, I slept all day. I had no choice, I thought I was dying. Daddy had to take over and somehow he was able to do it all without putting down the playstation stick. Still trying to figure that one out.
I am trying oh-so-hard to christmas-ise my house. It is hard, because I am lacking in spirit. Blame it on the lack of snow, the sickness or this damn cold but it seems I would much rather listen to Distrubed than Jingle Bells. Life is hard right now. One are litterally one can of corn away from the food bank. I cringe at the thought of how we are going to buy gifts for everyone this year. Everyone is just going to have to understand when we hand them a $10 gift card and say Merry Christmas. I hate the thought of it but that is just life.
I need to just win the freakin' lottery. That would take away every single problem that I am having. I know people say it is always green on the other side until you are there but let me see it for myself. It would take away this court matter, all our finacial problems, my stress over how to provide for my children and show everyone how much they mean to me. It would also allow me to half one more baby. Yes, I know, I have said I don't want another but my head and heart wants another one. I won't have one though given our finacial status, I don't think it would be a good idea at all. I am just going to have to live with this, and it isn't a regret, just a longing for more.
I am hurtin and stressed and I have so much anxiety related to this court case and having to be out of my comfort zone that it really is causing me to be afraid. I am trying to be strong and not break down and I keep putting off anything to do with this until I absolutely have to because it just makes me numb. I need help and I am not getting help from anywhere. Not even David. I don't feel like we are a couple in this matter, it is me doding everything and him just waiting in the background now really caring how this turns out as long as he doesn't have to do anything. The playstation is his sun, his god, his ruler and all consuming time dominator. I am so fed up with all of this and it is not making my mindset any better.
I am lost, more lost than I have ever ever ever been in my life and I can't pull myself out of this meerky state I am in.
Friday, November 19, 2010
Ammendment
Because my brain is not stopping I am doing this again. I still can't process what is happening in my mind. How is this possible? The mystery that surrounds these circumstances makes this all the more daring. But....what if I am wrong. This could be just me, only me and that could destroy me. I am vunerable in a different way and that makes me weak. I am not sure what this is supposed to be.
I've put it out there, put myself out there more than I wanted to and kinda liked it. It is the words that are still haunting me. The last statement the most, no one has ever said that to me. It changed me. I am crazy and time alone has driven me to insanity. I am sad, because I don't know what this means in a different way. How does it affect the world we have built, it could shatter it, but even if it doesn't has something crumbled and left my defenses bare. I am not supposedto need defenses anymore. That is what the gold has told me, it symbolises the demise of this, of this need.
Forged objects are weakest in the heat and that might be exactly what this is. All because of an enlightenment of sorts within myself that allows me to be...beautiful. Stagnet developments need to be washed away. This is too hard for me to bare and it seems I am just going to let the wind take me where it is going to, that has served me well in the past....or has it. What has happened, how is it that I can't stand on my two feet anymore. I am thin, spread much to thin for my brain to seek something so frivolous, or maybe that is the point.
Is life this hard for everyone. Right now there is really only one area of my life that is not in peril, well sort of...
the thing that scares me is that I don't know myself. I could see this seeking out the very depths that it wants to and that would be followed by a break in the true existance of everything. Mental and physical limits are being tested on a new scale. I have been on this scale before and been wrong and then been happy the limits were not exceeded, but that didn't improve my smile at the end of the day.
It comes down to want, at least it does in my head. But what part of the want is the most important. I know what part is to me but that is lacking on the closest side of this thing
It is there in abundance on the opposite side, but that is because of the shininess of it. And because of the desire.
I must refrain from showing my feels outward in any reaction. This will be a challenge.
For now, it is present in the lines but hidden from outward advances. I am worried I am tempting karma and faith...
I've put it out there, put myself out there more than I wanted to and kinda liked it. It is the words that are still haunting me. The last statement the most, no one has ever said that to me. It changed me. I am crazy and time alone has driven me to insanity. I am sad, because I don't know what this means in a different way. How does it affect the world we have built, it could shatter it, but even if it doesn't has something crumbled and left my defenses bare. I am not supposedto need defenses anymore. That is what the gold has told me, it symbolises the demise of this, of this need.
Forged objects are weakest in the heat and that might be exactly what this is. All because of an enlightenment of sorts within myself that allows me to be...beautiful. Stagnet developments need to be washed away. This is too hard for me to bare and it seems I am just going to let the wind take me where it is going to, that has served me well in the past....or has it. What has happened, how is it that I can't stand on my two feet anymore. I am thin, spread much to thin for my brain to seek something so frivolous, or maybe that is the point.
Is life this hard for everyone. Right now there is really only one area of my life that is not in peril, well sort of...
the thing that scares me is that I don't know myself. I could see this seeking out the very depths that it wants to and that would be followed by a break in the true existance of everything. Mental and physical limits are being tested on a new scale. I have been on this scale before and been wrong and then been happy the limits were not exceeded, but that didn't improve my smile at the end of the day.
It comes down to want, at least it does in my head. But what part of the want is the most important. I know what part is to me but that is lacking on the closest side of this thing
It is there in abundance on the opposite side, but that is because of the shininess of it. And because of the desire.
I must refrain from showing my feels outward in any reaction. This will be a challenge.
For now, it is present in the lines but hidden from outward advances. I am worried I am tempting karma and faith...
Because it is different, easy
My brain is doing what it ought not. I have told it to stop, that it is wrong and that it is pointless. Yet, it wanders still. Uncontrollable emotions flood in and now I am aglow. As soon as sight and sound link up the words bring me to life. I feel like I am living for that momment. When it happens I have to control my emotion, control my plan, my urge. It seems I am locked in a room of freedom, the chance to run away. Like Shakespear I dance around the words that I am frightened to type, to admit and to let be real. What is this, where am I now. I guess I have found an escape, but it is not an escape. It is a false reality that has no point, no direction. But isn't that what freedom is about.
It is the words that are said that stagger in my brain. I can't fathom the things said to me. They seem like a dream and it is so refreshing. I want to be asleep and only now feel that is full of happiness. It is hard for me to see past faults. Much harder than it has ever been before. The sit plainly in front of my face, maybe that is because I am ndot clouded in my sight. This isn't the way it has to be, but it is. The hardest part of ending is starting again. Is it because everything around is so impossible. I need a fresh start, completely. I have fucked up so badily that there is nothing left, not at all. My future is fucked, my present is strained and impossible. I am not wrong in needing to be gone. Run away now a part of me says.
Did I do the wrong thing. What is this.
It is the words that are said that stagger in my brain. I can't fathom the things said to me. They seem like a dream and it is so refreshing. I want to be asleep and only now feel that is full of happiness. It is hard for me to see past faults. Much harder than it has ever been before. The sit plainly in front of my face, maybe that is because I am ndot clouded in my sight. This isn't the way it has to be, but it is. The hardest part of ending is starting again. Is it because everything around is so impossible. I need a fresh start, completely. I have fucked up so badily that there is nothing left, not at all. My future is fucked, my present is strained and impossible. I am not wrong in needing to be gone. Run away now a part of me says.
Did I do the wrong thing. What is this.
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Don't blink
Am I the only one that wonders how the hell I got to where I am. I feel like I woke up one morning and suddenly I had a husband and three children. Like I closed my eyes and my reality shifted and changed and in reality I don't know how to navigate this state.
I have doubts in my ability be perform in the role I occupy. I am not this person inside, I am a black hole of distruction that was never released, never realized.
This superficial plain is beyond my understanding. I look around and I wonder how the hell society got to this place. For real....nothing is needed, nothing really matters except the people who occupy your time. This money, this lack of social standing are just a platform for dispar. I can't survive in this disaster, but what happens if you fail. I am going to be at the low end of the totam pole for the rest of my life. What I have now is the life I will occupy. I need a miricle. A true to life miricle that can get me out from under the world. Stick me on my feet. Make me believe again.
This world is full of What If's. I need true freedom, I need to see true beauty in something other than my kids. I am not in this world, I am just passing by and looking in. My eyes cry real tears, they trickle down my cheeks because everything is so uncertain. I am losing my reality.
No one gets it, they walk through life like zombies and never look around and get off the track and truely connect with anything. I am lost....I feel off the track and I saw what is really happening. I see terror, I see sorrow, I am missing the sunshine, the smiles, the real true happiness that has no hidden catches. I want to smile and not worry about where ever cent is.
I will write it here. We are poor, we are in debt and we are screwed. There is nothing I can do. I have screwed up my life and I don't think it can be fixed, I now just have to endure.
I have doubts in my ability be perform in the role I occupy. I am not this person inside, I am a black hole of distruction that was never released, never realized.
This superficial plain is beyond my understanding. I look around and I wonder how the hell society got to this place. For real....nothing is needed, nothing really matters except the people who occupy your time. This money, this lack of social standing are just a platform for dispar. I can't survive in this disaster, but what happens if you fail. I am going to be at the low end of the totam pole for the rest of my life. What I have now is the life I will occupy. I need a miricle. A true to life miricle that can get me out from under the world. Stick me on my feet. Make me believe again.
This world is full of What If's. I need true freedom, I need to see true beauty in something other than my kids. I am not in this world, I am just passing by and looking in. My eyes cry real tears, they trickle down my cheeks because everything is so uncertain. I am losing my reality.
No one gets it, they walk through life like zombies and never look around and get off the track and truely connect with anything. I am lost....I feel off the track and I saw what is really happening. I see terror, I see sorrow, I am missing the sunshine, the smiles, the real true happiness that has no hidden catches. I want to smile and not worry about where ever cent is.
I will write it here. We are poor, we are in debt and we are screwed. There is nothing I can do. I have screwed up my life and I don't think it can be fixed, I now just have to endure.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Just one click
And the blank page is there. It does not judge, for it does not see me. Outward appreances are everything in this shallow world. I have to play the game. But I will admit it is not for the benfit of the game that I want to play.
In 5 days I am 25 years old, I am 112lbs as of today. In 5 days I start to change. I want this, and I know I am starting to need this. My asthma is the worst it has been in years and I have never been this heavy. I want to lose 80lbs. That number is scary, that number seems far away and impossible. I can handle 40lbs. Right now I am going to focus on that and I am going to give myself a year.
I will be 172lbs as of November 15th 2011. I am making this blog my offically record of my goal, of my plan and of my determination. I need this to happen.
I need to for my kids, they need a mom who can run, can play and can live a full life
I need to for me, I want to be here and living for as long as I can
I need to for my relationship
I need to for my confidence
I need to for my career
I need to for every single aspect of my life and I will make this happen.
Frist step - get organized, make a meal plan that will allow me to jump start my metabolism and give me energy.
lets do this first step
In 5 days I am 25 years old, I am 112lbs as of today. In 5 days I start to change. I want this, and I know I am starting to need this. My asthma is the worst it has been in years and I have never been this heavy. I want to lose 80lbs. That number is scary, that number seems far away and impossible. I can handle 40lbs. Right now I am going to focus on that and I am going to give myself a year.
I will be 172lbs as of November 15th 2011. I am making this blog my offically record of my goal, of my plan and of my determination. I need this to happen.
I need to for my kids, they need a mom who can run, can play and can live a full life
I need to for me, I want to be here and living for as long as I can
I need to for my relationship
I need to for my confidence
I need to for my career
I need to for every single aspect of my life and I will make this happen.
Frist step - get organized, make a meal plan that will allow me to jump start my metabolism and give me energy.
lets do this first step
Thursday, October 28, 2010
I hate the system
How the fuck am I supposed to ever get out of the hole that has been dug. It is awful. We have overdue bills, are on the edge of having utilies turned off and are just drowning in debt. How am I supposed to fix this. I can't take any course to better my education and get me a better job because that basicall y means taking food out of my children's mouth. We are providing the basics of life for our children but that is it, there is nothing left after bills, food and gas.
The future scares me, how can I make this all work. I want to just wake up one day and have won the lottery and be allowed to focus on my life and my babies not trying to figure out how I am going to make the 3 cans of soup, half box of rice and 4 Mr Noodles packages last a week. I am in tears because this is not fair and it is my fault... I didn't go to college, I didn't prepare for the future and now I am suffering.
How do people do this, because I know there are people in worse shape than I am, how do they do it. I am embarrassed by the lack of money that we have. I am trying so hard every day to hide the fact that we have nothing. When we go out I make sure the kids look prefect and that I look as good as I can and I paste on a smile and try to make the world believe that I have it all together.
I am wrorried that I have never going to be anything. I am going to struggle through every single momment of my life and then die with nothing for my children. I am a mess and I don't want to be. I really don't just want to be that woman that makes minmum wage and lives off the dollarstore, but I am that right now.
I need to figure this all out and I am learning a hard hard lesson - You reap what you sow.
The future scares me, how can I make this all work. I want to just wake up one day and have won the lottery and be allowed to focus on my life and my babies not trying to figure out how I am going to make the 3 cans of soup, half box of rice and 4 Mr Noodles packages last a week. I am in tears because this is not fair and it is my fault... I didn't go to college, I didn't prepare for the future and now I am suffering.
How do people do this, because I know there are people in worse shape than I am, how do they do it. I am embarrassed by the lack of money that we have. I am trying so hard every day to hide the fact that we have nothing. When we go out I make sure the kids look prefect and that I look as good as I can and I paste on a smile and try to make the world believe that I have it all together.
I am wrorried that I have never going to be anything. I am going to struggle through every single momment of my life and then die with nothing for my children. I am a mess and I don't want to be. I really don't just want to be that woman that makes minmum wage and lives off the dollarstore, but I am that right now.
I need to figure this all out and I am learning a hard hard lesson - You reap what you sow.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Where my mind is located tonight.
My mind is everywhere today and it is fun how nothing relates.
Yoday I have been thinking about moms who have lost there babies. Whether it be a miscarriage, still birth, SIDS or any other loss of a baby or infant, I just can't imagine. I am one of few that I know that has not experienced a loss of any kind. I have easy pregnancies, easy labours and I have never dealt with not seeing a + and not bring home a baby nine months later. That would be the most devestating torture every. I would be crushed. Yet these mom's can go on, survive, push through and dream of their angel babies. I have truely been inspired by many moms. I use this inspiration when I am down, at 2am when all my babies are crying and I don't know who to help first and on those days when I have no sleep, I stink and everything is a mess. Some other mom's would kill for what I have and there are days when I have trouble handling it. Then I feel ashamed of not being able to enjoy every minute.
Then my brain goes to my baby boys circumsistion that happened today. I was a nervous wreck before this happened and almost told my dh to cancell the appointment because I was scared for him to be in pain. Now it isn't so bad. I know he is in pain but everything looks ok and in a few weeks everything will be all healed and he will never know any different.
Now my brain jumps again. Amy's wedding is in a few weeks. What the hell am I going to wear? I know what I want to wear but it involves money and I have no idea if there is going to be money at the time. I just feel like it is really important for me to pull off a sexy look, important for me. I need that spark. That va va va voom that allows me to be free in a way that diapers and baby powder can not match.
Jump again - I want to cut my hair...but that scares me because people tend to fuck up my hair.
Next - I am working on getting Mak and Ethan baptised and I am struggling with finding god-parents for Ethan. I have an idea of who I want but I am not sure if it will work out. We are meeting with a Rev. on Tuesday and this guy sounds really nice, actually might get me interested in the Church again. Might be a good place to start to meet people that don't just exist in a cyber plaine.
Jump - David has Monday off. I am glowing over this. We have nothing (well he has an appointment monday and then we meet the Rev Tuesday) but he and I get to be together, and breath for once in a long time. I miss him so much when he is working so much. It really drains me not to have him around, on more than a physical level. He truely is my soulmate.
Well my son is moving...that means food must happen...like now......
Yoday I have been thinking about moms who have lost there babies. Whether it be a miscarriage, still birth, SIDS or any other loss of a baby or infant, I just can't imagine. I am one of few that I know that has not experienced a loss of any kind. I have easy pregnancies, easy labours and I have never dealt with not seeing a + and not bring home a baby nine months later. That would be the most devestating torture every. I would be crushed. Yet these mom's can go on, survive, push through and dream of their angel babies. I have truely been inspired by many moms. I use this inspiration when I am down, at 2am when all my babies are crying and I don't know who to help first and on those days when I have no sleep, I stink and everything is a mess. Some other mom's would kill for what I have and there are days when I have trouble handling it. Then I feel ashamed of not being able to enjoy every minute.
Then my brain goes to my baby boys circumsistion that happened today. I was a nervous wreck before this happened and almost told my dh to cancell the appointment because I was scared for him to be in pain. Now it isn't so bad. I know he is in pain but everything looks ok and in a few weeks everything will be all healed and he will never know any different.
Now my brain jumps again. Amy's wedding is in a few weeks. What the hell am I going to wear? I know what I want to wear but it involves money and I have no idea if there is going to be money at the time. I just feel like it is really important for me to pull off a sexy look, important for me. I need that spark. That va va va voom that allows me to be free in a way that diapers and baby powder can not match.
Jump again - I want to cut my hair...but that scares me because people tend to fuck up my hair.
Next - I am working on getting Mak and Ethan baptised and I am struggling with finding god-parents for Ethan. I have an idea of who I want but I am not sure if it will work out. We are meeting with a Rev. on Tuesday and this guy sounds really nice, actually might get me interested in the Church again. Might be a good place to start to meet people that don't just exist in a cyber plaine.
Jump - David has Monday off. I am glowing over this. We have nothing (well he has an appointment monday and then we meet the Rev Tuesday) but he and I get to be together, and breath for once in a long time. I miss him so much when he is working so much. It really drains me not to have him around, on more than a physical level. He truely is my soulmate.
Well my son is moving...that means food must happen...like now......
Friday, October 8, 2010
Do you dare enter, do you really want to know
No you don't. You put on a brave face and ask me how I am, but that is a loaded question that I will give you a false answer to because in the end all you want is a rosy pretty picture.
I could tell you that I am loving every second of my life with three children, that I am doing great and I am excited about the sunrising every morning. I will tell you things are fine and that I am cooping.
Do you want to know the truth? I am just barely surviving. Each inch of my life has to be planned, mapped out, timed and re-evaluated. My one breath is at times a luxury I am not permitted. I am alone with three children under the age of 4 all the time. I talk to no one, I see know one, I type words on a screen and think they make me sane. I am failing, and not one person in the world will help me or can. I am drowning again. I am not sleeping, I am nsot permitted sleep. You go 3 days on 4 hours of sleep and see where your head is at. I just want to fade and disappear for a night. I want to go out and drink and just dance and not think, have to do anything or even permit myself to be judged. i just want to get completely lost in a beat, in the music, in the light, in the chaos and that is never ever going to happen. I find freedom in the release yet no one else does so it isn't allowed. I have to make out like I am someone else, domesticated and leased and controlled and polite.
If you knew the internal me you would hate me, this face that holds my eyes is a fake that I have made real. What else am I supposed to do, stop trying? Because I want to. I want run and run and run and then wake up and find out that everything is easier. Money is the ruler of the world and it is not making mine spin right now. I got nothing and because I got nothing he is property of his job and we are slaves to his cash flow. Week to week and day to day is not a way to live and not having my husband home with me is making me a bitchy woman and why. We struggle and struggle and nothing changes, why not just crash, just fail and give it all up. I am going to run and just never look back.
I hate the red eyes that look me in the mirror, they scare me, they haunt me in my dreams and they show brightly in the light. I am tired of pretending that I am not tired. I am tired of being the person that other believe is the image. I don't remember who I am anymore. I hide everything about myself so that you can sleep better at night. I can't be saved.
They tell me to remember I chose this, yeah I did. I had my babies, I am with them, I love them, they are my world but it is hard but because I chose this means I am not allowed to ask for help, basically I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. Seems that I am not allowed to have anyone else in the same room as me. I have endure, buck up and take it on the chin and just survive. I will never give up on my children, I will struggle and hurt and be in more pain then imaginable but they will still be more than loved and taken care of. I will be left broken in the process but they won't.
Because what I am writing is a blip in the grande scheme of the world I am not afraid to admit that tonight I am at rock bottom. I am crying and hurting and hurting my husband with the sorrow in my eyes but there is nothing that can make it dissappear. I don't want to hurt him, I want to smile and be the perfect little wife that cooks in the kitchen and breaths life into the home. Right now the demons in my head have control over everything and i can't shake them. My life is a storm and I am not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I am fed up.
I don't do anything to escape...I barely drink, I don't smoke or get high and I am supposed to be better for that. They all tell you never to do any of these things but then when you don't you have nothing to make things better temporarilly. I am proof that living the safe life will not preserve your sanity. You will lose it. I did.
Life is just plained fucked up. I just want to make everything better and there is nothing I can do to make anything better. I am suffering. Tonight I am done.
I could tell you that I am loving every second of my life with three children, that I am doing great and I am excited about the sunrising every morning. I will tell you things are fine and that I am cooping.
Do you want to know the truth? I am just barely surviving. Each inch of my life has to be planned, mapped out, timed and re-evaluated. My one breath is at times a luxury I am not permitted. I am alone with three children under the age of 4 all the time. I talk to no one, I see know one, I type words on a screen and think they make me sane. I am failing, and not one person in the world will help me or can. I am drowning again. I am not sleeping, I am nsot permitted sleep. You go 3 days on 4 hours of sleep and see where your head is at. I just want to fade and disappear for a night. I want to go out and drink and just dance and not think, have to do anything or even permit myself to be judged. i just want to get completely lost in a beat, in the music, in the light, in the chaos and that is never ever going to happen. I find freedom in the release yet no one else does so it isn't allowed. I have to make out like I am someone else, domesticated and leased and controlled and polite.
If you knew the internal me you would hate me, this face that holds my eyes is a fake that I have made real. What else am I supposed to do, stop trying? Because I want to. I want run and run and run and then wake up and find out that everything is easier. Money is the ruler of the world and it is not making mine spin right now. I got nothing and because I got nothing he is property of his job and we are slaves to his cash flow. Week to week and day to day is not a way to live and not having my husband home with me is making me a bitchy woman and why. We struggle and struggle and nothing changes, why not just crash, just fail and give it all up. I am going to run and just never look back.
I hate the red eyes that look me in the mirror, they scare me, they haunt me in my dreams and they show brightly in the light. I am tired of pretending that I am not tired. I am tired of being the person that other believe is the image. I don't remember who I am anymore. I hide everything about myself so that you can sleep better at night. I can't be saved.
They tell me to remember I chose this, yeah I did. I had my babies, I am with them, I love them, they are my world but it is hard but because I chose this means I am not allowed to ask for help, basically I made my bed and now I have to lay in it. Seems that I am not allowed to have anyone else in the same room as me. I have endure, buck up and take it on the chin and just survive. I will never give up on my children, I will struggle and hurt and be in more pain then imaginable but they will still be more than loved and taken care of. I will be left broken in the process but they won't.
Because what I am writing is a blip in the grande scheme of the world I am not afraid to admit that tonight I am at rock bottom. I am crying and hurting and hurting my husband with the sorrow in my eyes but there is nothing that can make it dissappear. I don't want to hurt him, I want to smile and be the perfect little wife that cooks in the kitchen and breaths life into the home. Right now the demons in my head have control over everything and i can't shake them. My life is a storm and I am not seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. I am fed up.
I don't do anything to escape...I barely drink, I don't smoke or get high and I am supposed to be better for that. They all tell you never to do any of these things but then when you don't you have nothing to make things better temporarilly. I am proof that living the safe life will not preserve your sanity. You will lose it. I did.
Life is just plained fucked up. I just want to make everything better and there is nothing I can do to make anything better. I am suffering. Tonight I am done.
Friday, October 1, 2010
My little man made my life complete
He is here! My little tiny man that brings so much joy to my heart is sleeping away a foot away from me.My family is complete, my heart is full and everything is great. It amases me to look at him, he is so small and tiny and he has me wrapped around his tiny finger. I have a son. I never thought saying those words would cause me so much happiness.
The girls love there little brother, they are always kiss him and hug him and want to help me with his care. I am so glad that I have such maternal children. I love watching them interact with each other.
I am doing good. Things are hard, I will admit it. I am surviving though. I am getting through each momment one momment at a time. I am doing everything I can to stay ahead of the game and focus on things that really matter and I am happy. I do feel like for once in my life that I am able to focus on me in a different way then I have been able to in the past. I am not going to have any more babies so now I am build my body into the way I want it to be. No do overs.
I have so much more that I want to type but my little baby boy is waking and he wants to see momma face. :)
The girls love there little brother, they are always kiss him and hug him and want to help me with his care. I am so glad that I have such maternal children. I love watching them interact with each other.
I am doing good. Things are hard, I will admit it. I am surviving though. I am getting through each momment one momment at a time. I am doing everything I can to stay ahead of the game and focus on things that really matter and I am happy. I do feel like for once in my life that I am able to focus on me in a different way then I have been able to in the past. I am not going to have any more babies so now I am build my body into the way I want it to be. No do overs.
I have so much more that I want to type but my little baby boy is waking and he wants to see momma face. :)
Friday, September 10, 2010
Midnight Writtings
Here I sit with my keyboard in my had. I have burned through scrabble, some randomn game on facebook and every other source of unproductive entertainment I could find. It is odd but since having my laptop back I have not really had an urge to do anything I haven't before. At the same time I feel the need to be productive. I need to use what I have now in a way that benefits me, but I don't know what way that is.
Tomorrow the girls and going to visit oma for two days. I plan on walking as much as I can, having sex and doing anything else that I can do to make this baby come out. It needs to happen this weekend or I am going to be induced on Monday with no plan for where the girls are going to be. My mom doesn't think she can handle them for any length of time and she wants to be there with me when I go into labour so there is really no option there. David's dad won't be home until 5 and it will most likely be around 6 that I go in, so it would be very hard for us to get them to his dad's and then get back to the hospital. Maybe David can take them and then mom can take me to the hospital and then David can come back. But I still have to figure out where the girls are going to go from David's dad's house since his dad works the next morning early. I would love it if mom could pick them up from there and take them to her house for tuesday and then David can even pick them up that night or Wednesday if possible. But I don't know if that will happen. Anytime I talk to mom about it she tells me that we will just have to play it by ear, it seems as though she is the only person not really willing to help me and that makes it hard because when it comes down to it she is the person that could help me the most.
I am drained in every sense of the word and I just can't even fathom how everything is going to play out in the next couple of days. I guess I just have to pray that I get out of the hospital as soon as possible and woman up and deal with everything regardless of life.
I know these babies are mine, they are mine to deal with in happiness, saddness, health and otherwise but sometimes it feels like I have been abondonned by family, They are there of course but they prefer to stand outside the circle and look in instead of coming in and seeing things and helping. I guess my support system is pretty much MIA.
I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I am really just annoyed with how passe everyone is and I am selfish I guess to think that I even matter, I don't really care though anymore and becoming more introverted might be what is needed.
Typing all this out makes me put a lot more of my life in persepective and that makes me sad. Feeling unimportant at such any important time in my life is hard and emotionally I could easily crash and burn. But.... I won't let myself. I can do this and I will find a way. I am sorry to say but I can't have baby and keep my other children entertained in the process and I guess some people don't get this but I guess all that matters is that either way I have to give birth. If I have to be alone I will be....I refuse to be put head of the children so if that means that David will have to be with the other two than I guess that has to happen. I will not be happy at all with my mother if she insists on being in there with me and David can't be because no one will watch the girls. She will not be permitted in the room if this is the case. Don't put me in a situation that adds stress to one of the hardest momments of my life. I don't want to deal with it.
Tomorrow the girls and going to visit oma for two days. I plan on walking as much as I can, having sex and doing anything else that I can do to make this baby come out. It needs to happen this weekend or I am going to be induced on Monday with no plan for where the girls are going to be. My mom doesn't think she can handle them for any length of time and she wants to be there with me when I go into labour so there is really no option there. David's dad won't be home until 5 and it will most likely be around 6 that I go in, so it would be very hard for us to get them to his dad's and then get back to the hospital. Maybe David can take them and then mom can take me to the hospital and then David can come back. But I still have to figure out where the girls are going to go from David's dad's house since his dad works the next morning early. I would love it if mom could pick them up from there and take them to her house for tuesday and then David can even pick them up that night or Wednesday if possible. But I don't know if that will happen. Anytime I talk to mom about it she tells me that we will just have to play it by ear, it seems as though she is the only person not really willing to help me and that makes it hard because when it comes down to it she is the person that could help me the most.
I am drained in every sense of the word and I just can't even fathom how everything is going to play out in the next couple of days. I guess I just have to pray that I get out of the hospital as soon as possible and woman up and deal with everything regardless of life.
I know these babies are mine, they are mine to deal with in happiness, saddness, health and otherwise but sometimes it feels like I have been abondonned by family, They are there of course but they prefer to stand outside the circle and look in instead of coming in and seeing things and helping. I guess my support system is pretty much MIA.
I don't know how to react to anything anymore. I am really just annoyed with how passe everyone is and I am selfish I guess to think that I even matter, I don't really care though anymore and becoming more introverted might be what is needed.
Typing all this out makes me put a lot more of my life in persepective and that makes me sad. Feeling unimportant at such any important time in my life is hard and emotionally I could easily crash and burn. But.... I won't let myself. I can do this and I will find a way. I am sorry to say but I can't have baby and keep my other children entertained in the process and I guess some people don't get this but I guess all that matters is that either way I have to give birth. If I have to be alone I will be....I refuse to be put head of the children so if that means that David will have to be with the other two than I guess that has to happen. I will not be happy at all with my mother if she insists on being in there with me and David can't be because no one will watch the girls. She will not be permitted in the room if this is the case. Don't put me in a situation that adds stress to one of the hardest momments of my life. I don't want to deal with it.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Surrounded by laundry
Today has been about nesting, nesting and even more nesting. All I have done is clean and I am finally proud and comfortable with how the house looks. I was worried someone was going to have to stay here if I go into labour and I would be embarassed by the house.
I feel ready for baby Ethan to come. I just want him to be here so badly but at the same time I want to savour this time as much as possible. I want to hold my baby boy.
The girls are so excited to meet their little brother. It is still so odd to me that I am going to be the mother of three. I know that seems weird but I seriously sometimes wonder how I got from being in high school to this point. How did I have babies, how did I become a mom. This is still new to me and I don't think it will ever become old or ordinary. Every minute is new, different and adaptable. Some momments are so hard and some just make me smile. If someone asked me what it is to be a mom I would say it is like being on a roller coaster. You feel more love, more happiness, more sadness, more passion, more anger and more insanity than you ever have in your life the momment that you become a mom. You have so many hopes, so many dreams and so many wishes for the little baby that you hold in your arms from the first time. It is so emotional.
So much is changing in such a small amount of time. My big girl is starting school and I am probably going to miss her first day because I am being induced on Monday. I think she might miss the first day too just because there won't be a way to get her there if i am in labour or if Ethan has just been born. We are talking to her teacher tomorrow for the first time and we will find out if missing the first day will be a big deal. I hope we can work this all out.
Life is just crazy right now....or should i say it is on hold. I feel like I am waiting to breath. I know there is so much that is going to happen and I am really trying to be prepared in every single way that I can and that is exhausting me. I just want every transition to happen smoothly.
In a week from tomorrow not only will I have a newborn, but I will also have a kindergarten kid! Breath mama breath lol!
I feel ready for baby Ethan to come. I just want him to be here so badly but at the same time I want to savour this time as much as possible. I want to hold my baby boy.
The girls are so excited to meet their little brother. It is still so odd to me that I am going to be the mother of three. I know that seems weird but I seriously sometimes wonder how I got from being in high school to this point. How did I have babies, how did I become a mom. This is still new to me and I don't think it will ever become old or ordinary. Every minute is new, different and adaptable. Some momments are so hard and some just make me smile. If someone asked me what it is to be a mom I would say it is like being on a roller coaster. You feel more love, more happiness, more sadness, more passion, more anger and more insanity than you ever have in your life the momment that you become a mom. You have so many hopes, so many dreams and so many wishes for the little baby that you hold in your arms from the first time. It is so emotional.
So much is changing in such a small amount of time. My big girl is starting school and I am probably going to miss her first day because I am being induced on Monday. I think she might miss the first day too just because there won't be a way to get her there if i am in labour or if Ethan has just been born. We are talking to her teacher tomorrow for the first time and we will find out if missing the first day will be a big deal. I hope we can work this all out.
Life is just crazy right now....or should i say it is on hold. I feel like I am waiting to breath. I know there is so much that is going to happen and I am really trying to be prepared in every single way that I can and that is exhausting me. I just want every transition to happen smoothly.
In a week from tomorrow not only will I have a newborn, but I will also have a kindergarten kid! Breath mama breath lol!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
My headphones plug me in.
Music is my one sweet release. My one passion, my one desire to be more than the shell I am currently. My children are my life but music is my escape. I need it and I have grown weak without it, but now I am rebuilding. I am ready.
Music births passion and freedom....dance moves me. I am going to start to become myself again and let beats, tunes, lyric flow through a release the chained up mother that is consumed inside.
I write words to show I was here, I dance to be me. I am going to be as much as I can be every day. I am not superwoman but I can learn to breath again.
Children are hard. They drain and exhaust you but they are wonderful. They are just these amasing little people that show more love, more realistic fusion than most adults. Their possiblities are limitless and if I accomplish anything in this lifetime I want to be a good mother. I think it is important for me to be me to accomplish this task. I show raw love and emotion every day and they know me. I am real with them, it comes naturally.
Tonight words are not enough to lead me to satisfaction...tonight I need the beat.
Music births passion and freedom....dance moves me. I am going to start to become myself again and let beats, tunes, lyric flow through a release the chained up mother that is consumed inside.
I write words to show I was here, I dance to be me. I am going to be as much as I can be every day. I am not superwoman but I can learn to breath again.
Children are hard. They drain and exhaust you but they are wonderful. They are just these amasing little people that show more love, more realistic fusion than most adults. Their possiblities are limitless and if I accomplish anything in this lifetime I want to be a good mother. I think it is important for me to be me to accomplish this task. I show raw love and emotion every day and they know me. I am real with them, it comes naturally.
Tonight words are not enough to lead me to satisfaction...tonight I need the beat.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Soon to be 3....oh my....
I am going to lose it. Going to lose my mind, my sanity, myself. I am struggling with two right now, being 9 months pregnant and dealing with two toddlers is not fun, and yes my hands are full. I want to punch everyone in the face who says that to me.
I am about to pop. I don't think there is anymore space for baby Ethan in my belly. I have streached, expanded and exploded as much as I can and half of me wants this to be done. Only half though. the other half of me wants him to stay in forever. He is safe, protected and easy. It is hard to move, breath, bend but it is all just about me and him. With him out...I don't have as much control. I have to compromise my timing with all three of them and find my new self. my own power. It is going to be hard and I know it and I am going to flow through it and make every second count....sleeping counts.
There is another aspect to my mind lately and that is just figuring out who I am going to be after all this. I don't want to go back to my previous place of work. I want a little more out of life and basically if I am going to work for minimum wage then I want to at least be doing something that allows me to be happy and not dread my place of work. I am typing this now to remind myself of what I have not yet forgotten and that is that that place was hell, and I don't want to go back. It is not worth it and I know in a few months I will attempt to convince myself that it isn't as bad as I think it is and that I want to be back there. I don't want to go back to a place where I am miserable and sick to my stomach at the meantion of that place. I deserve more.
With this said I am not sure where I fit in, what I should do and if maybe I should start looking into how to build a more productive than a minimum wage starter job with no progress....but what do i want to be. What do I have passion for? Orginally I was thinking I would start my own fudge business but I foresee myself getting bored with that. I don't know what to do.
Off to do some research......
I am about to pop. I don't think there is anymore space for baby Ethan in my belly. I have streached, expanded and exploded as much as I can and half of me wants this to be done. Only half though. the other half of me wants him to stay in forever. He is safe, protected and easy. It is hard to move, breath, bend but it is all just about me and him. With him out...I don't have as much control. I have to compromise my timing with all three of them and find my new self. my own power. It is going to be hard and I know it and I am going to flow through it and make every second count....sleeping counts.
There is another aspect to my mind lately and that is just figuring out who I am going to be after all this. I don't want to go back to my previous place of work. I want a little more out of life and basically if I am going to work for minimum wage then I want to at least be doing something that allows me to be happy and not dread my place of work. I am typing this now to remind myself of what I have not yet forgotten and that is that that place was hell, and I don't want to go back. It is not worth it and I know in a few months I will attempt to convince myself that it isn't as bad as I think it is and that I want to be back there. I don't want to go back to a place where I am miserable and sick to my stomach at the meantion of that place. I deserve more.
With this said I am not sure where I fit in, what I should do and if maybe I should start looking into how to build a more productive than a minimum wage starter job with no progress....but what do i want to be. What do I have passion for? Orginally I was thinking I would start my own fudge business but I foresee myself getting bored with that. I don't know what to do.
Off to do some research......
Friday, June 18, 2010
Awakening
I am at work, on my lunch break and 8 million things are going through my head. As of today I am 28 weeks pregnant. I am in the third trimester and my world in no less figured out than when I last posted here. I feel, most times anyway, that I am starting to get control of my world. This occurs in small, hardly noticable doses but just the same it is happening and it is an improvement.
I am huge, but not as huge as i was last time. I don't even really think that that line between if I am a distinguishing preggo or just fat has been crossed yet. This bugs me....I want what I had with Sara, I was tiny and had a big belly that was without a question a preggo belly.
I have found out since my last post in here that a little boy incubates in my womb. This in itself is most amasing to me. I am going to have a son. Somehow I don't think our family would have ever been complete without a little boy in the picture.
I am worried though about how Makayla will act and grow with this new development. I am worried that she will unintentionally be left behind in ways because she is the middle child. I hope this never happens and I am planning on taking an active role to see that it doesn't. I am still scared that it will though.
My days at work are blending together in a fury of tention and mass frusteration. The stores are moving to new locations and with that brings so much work and body and mind pain for everyone. I, along with everyone else, am struggling to even survive here at this point. Every day tention mounts and the claws come out to play. We are weathering the storm but there is distruction just the same.
David and I couldn't be doing better. Everything is just amasing with him by my side. It still delights me that after 8 years just seeing him brings a smile to my face and a feeling that he can make all the pain and trouble go away. I truely love him and could not see myself without him.
So as I sit here my brain struggles to grasp the fact that work must be done, progress must be made and I have to do it. I long for freedom from this place to be with my babies and my man and away from these confining walls and tempting windows. I want to be outside and carefree, but those kind of people do not exist but in fantasy.
I am huge, but not as huge as i was last time. I don't even really think that that line between if I am a distinguishing preggo or just fat has been crossed yet. This bugs me....I want what I had with Sara, I was tiny and had a big belly that was without a question a preggo belly.
I have found out since my last post in here that a little boy incubates in my womb. This in itself is most amasing to me. I am going to have a son. Somehow I don't think our family would have ever been complete without a little boy in the picture.
I am worried though about how Makayla will act and grow with this new development. I am worried that she will unintentionally be left behind in ways because she is the middle child. I hope this never happens and I am planning on taking an active role to see that it doesn't. I am still scared that it will though.
My days at work are blending together in a fury of tention and mass frusteration. The stores are moving to new locations and with that brings so much work and body and mind pain for everyone. I, along with everyone else, am struggling to even survive here at this point. Every day tention mounts and the claws come out to play. We are weathering the storm but there is distruction just the same.
David and I couldn't be doing better. Everything is just amasing with him by my side. It still delights me that after 8 years just seeing him brings a smile to my face and a feeling that he can make all the pain and trouble go away. I truely love him and could not see myself without him.
So as I sit here my brain struggles to grasp the fact that work must be done, progress must be made and I have to do it. I long for freedom from this place to be with my babies and my man and away from these confining walls and tempting windows. I want to be outside and carefree, but those kind of people do not exist but in fantasy.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
===> Direction <===
I have none, that is just don't. I never really have.
I seem to lack that motivation to self discover. Or I guess I think it would be too hard or too much work to focus on one direction...maybe I just don't want to be dissappointed when a set path goes to a different destination.
I am always running in a circle and never really going the way I want to. It is easy, but in the end it is not satisfying. What do I want in life, who do I want to be....
I like to write, to create something that comes directly from my brain to other people, it feels real.
I once thought a career in Advertising would be for me, but I found it too superficial and in the end I dropped out of college and just...lost all paths.
Now I work in a job where I have no future other than in the momment....no motivation to even continue....really no passion and in the end, no respect. I think that is what bother me at the end of the day, that I am in no way respected. It hurts to feel like I am the bottom of the laddar and that is the only place I wil ever be.
I need to figure myself out. I don't even know where to being. It is a challenge.
Going to do some research!
I seem to lack that motivation to self discover. Or I guess I think it would be too hard or too much work to focus on one direction...maybe I just don't want to be dissappointed when a set path goes to a different destination.
I am always running in a circle and never really going the way I want to. It is easy, but in the end it is not satisfying. What do I want in life, who do I want to be....
I like to write, to create something that comes directly from my brain to other people, it feels real.
I once thought a career in Advertising would be for me, but I found it too superficial and in the end I dropped out of college and just...lost all paths.
Now I work in a job where I have no future other than in the momment....no motivation to even continue....really no passion and in the end, no respect. I think that is what bother me at the end of the day, that I am in no way respected. It hurts to feel like I am the bottom of the laddar and that is the only place I wil ever be.
I need to figure myself out. I don't even know where to being. It is a challenge.
Going to do some research!
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Happiness
Where is my mind...
Today has been stressful, hectic, annoying and almost unbearable... but I survived.
I came home, my babies were fussy, grumpy...even my cat seemed to be mad at me....just not a good day. Now....I just throw up on the floor.....thanks Van Wilder...that made my night...
So here I sit
16 weeks pregnant..and worried about everything. Everyday I am hanging on by a tiny string and I a worried that it is going to snap as soon as this baby is born. Next winter is going to be evil hell and no matter how hard I try to focus on now, on the positive, all the negetive pops up it's ugly head and am forced to view reality. How am I going to do this. I feel so over welmed now because f everything in my life, how are things going to be after there is more stress.
I hate my job...I truely do. I never thought it would come to this but i don't want to be there anymore. Once it was a happy place where work was hard but usually had a purpose...not now....ever day feels like one step closer to...disaster. I just want to be done, I want to be in control.....I want this stage in my life to be over. Today I realised something.....I still have the mentally of a child...I am stagnant, I am not getting anywhere and I never will and there is nothing I can do about it.
Money locks me in this tiny little world and it doesn't care...it twists and turns and laughs as it looks at me with disgust. I am defeated....but...oh well...sorrow only drowns those that fall in the water...
Today has been stressful, hectic, annoying and almost unbearable... but I survived.
I came home, my babies were fussy, grumpy...even my cat seemed to be mad at me....just not a good day. Now....I just throw up on the floor.....thanks Van Wilder...that made my night...
So here I sit
16 weeks pregnant..and worried about everything. Everyday I am hanging on by a tiny string and I a worried that it is going to snap as soon as this baby is born. Next winter is going to be evil hell and no matter how hard I try to focus on now, on the positive, all the negetive pops up it's ugly head and am forced to view reality. How am I going to do this. I feel so over welmed now because f everything in my life, how are things going to be after there is more stress.
I hate my job...I truely do. I never thought it would come to this but i don't want to be there anymore. Once it was a happy place where work was hard but usually had a purpose...not now....ever day feels like one step closer to...disaster. I just want to be done, I want to be in control.....I want this stage in my life to be over. Today I realised something.....I still have the mentally of a child...I am stagnant, I am not getting anywhere and I never will and there is nothing I can do about it.
Money locks me in this tiny little world and it doesn't care...it twists and turns and laughs as it looks at me with disgust. I am defeated....but...oh well...sorrow only drowns those that fall in the water...
Saturday, March 20, 2010
On work time..
Life punches, it kicks and it scratches...but somehow no scars are ever left. Problems come and go and still somehow...we survive.
Emotionally I am a roller a coster with no destination just a whole lot of screaming. I can be fine and then crying and then fine again all in a half hour and if you aren't ready for that challenge than you need to step aside because I can't control it.
I am in a hole in every side of the word, but the depth changes depending on the day.
Today, as of this momment I am in love with my husband. I know saying that the way I did makes it a person wonder what I mean. It is not that I ever fall out of live with him but sometimes it feels as if a screen on filter is put in between us and we have to figure out a way to get through to even see each other let alone understand one another. Life has been stressful, complicated and a mess but finally as of this momment it seems to be getting back on track.
We have moved and the house weare in is livable but it is far from amasing. we are making do right now and doing what we have to stay as strong as we can.
Once and a while, more lately than ever a find myself turning around and wondering how I got to where I am. I have grown up and relized that "perfect" doesn't exist...well at least not for me. I have what I have and do what I do because I have to. It is hard, it is ugly....but...it is...life.
I am pregnant, the world of my blog and the world off the page all know this now but my mind doesn't. My body certainly feels it with every streach, turn and movement. I am about 15 weeks and I am starting to feel the little feelings that over the years I have come to known as baby. On the 23rd I have my next doctor's appointment and I pray that a heartbeat (at least one) is heard. I know I haven't been doing all the things that I should be doing to ensure my baby is healthy and strong and growning right. I am pushing myself too far, trying to do the impossible and trying to meet unreasonable expectations. I am tired always, I never feel quite right and after months of this it started to weigh down the mind. I am trying hard, so hard to be positive and strong but it is not always happening. My baby is roughly the size of a lemon now.....my little lemon baby, what will you be?! I can't wait to meet you!
Emotionally I am a roller a coster with no destination just a whole lot of screaming. I can be fine and then crying and then fine again all in a half hour and if you aren't ready for that challenge than you need to step aside because I can't control it.
I am in a hole in every side of the word, but the depth changes depending on the day.
Today, as of this momment I am in love with my husband. I know saying that the way I did makes it a person wonder what I mean. It is not that I ever fall out of live with him but sometimes it feels as if a screen on filter is put in between us and we have to figure out a way to get through to even see each other let alone understand one another. Life has been stressful, complicated and a mess but finally as of this momment it seems to be getting back on track.
We have moved and the house weare in is livable but it is far from amasing. we are making do right now and doing what we have to stay as strong as we can.
Once and a while, more lately than ever a find myself turning around and wondering how I got to where I am. I have grown up and relized that "perfect" doesn't exist...well at least not for me. I have what I have and do what I do because I have to. It is hard, it is ugly....but...it is...life.
I am pregnant, the world of my blog and the world off the page all know this now but my mind doesn't. My body certainly feels it with every streach, turn and movement. I am about 15 weeks and I am starting to feel the little feelings that over the years I have come to known as baby. On the 23rd I have my next doctor's appointment and I pray that a heartbeat (at least one) is heard. I know I haven't been doing all the things that I should be doing to ensure my baby is healthy and strong and growning right. I am pushing myself too far, trying to do the impossible and trying to meet unreasonable expectations. I am tired always, I never feel quite right and after months of this it started to weigh down the mind. I am trying hard, so hard to be positive and strong but it is not always happening. My baby is roughly the size of a lemon now.....my little lemon baby, what will you be?! I can't wait to meet you!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
I Just.....know...
The world is full of beautiful, magical things...of connections known not by sight but by a new meaning of embrace. Tonight as I sat alone in a house full of quiet, I found my self lost in thought. I find losing myself in thought is the only way for me to truly relax. I miss so much in a day, so many signs, omens one might say, and when I look back and think I see them clear as day.
Lately I have been lost in chaos, which is the most horrorifying type of delusion. Nothing in my life has gone the way it should, gone easily or even progressed slightly. I am taking a step in the wrong direction, hoping it is for the greater good. I believe strongly in signs...in odd little coindences or feelings that general mean nothing...yet they mean everything.
On my ponder tonight I found out something, a connection that I had always missed. A friend, a very close friend that would have been in my life no matter which path I chose earilier in life. See, I believe in destiny...but in a different sense than most. I believe destiny to be a changing life force that doesn't decide what choices we make but ultimatly shows us the right path to take. This friend of mine is someone that I know I have been very close to in another life. I can't remember if I have explained this in here before but I believe that on the day that our soul is created we are bounded through out all of time with other people who's sould were born around the same time. I believe the roles change, one life the mother, the next the child, after than the sister, but all in all the same souls are attracted to the same souls throughout life times. Earily in lifeI had a choice to make and I chose a path based on a friend's feelings and that took me in a different direction and led me to where I am today...and this person is connected to me. I have resently discovered if I have made a different chose and not considered a friend's feelings that I could very well be on a very different path...but this friend would still be a big part of my life because of other mutal conections. To put it all on paper it sounds odd, it is hard to describe,but to me this is means something of great important...this person is in my life for some really big reason!
I haven't been around this person as much as I would like to be.....maybe I need to be around her more, destiny has prescribed it for a reason....
Maybe she needs my friendship asmuch as I need her.
I don't believe any sign is false, or wrong.....
I feel as if I have made a revelation today...lets see where this leds!
I am hiding
Everyday I go through the same thoughtless process and plan, hoping to achieve....anything. But I don't. I feel like everything I am doing means nothing, is unimportant and in the long run a waste of time. Maybe it is because of this feeling of empending change, of something big that will finally have the rest of the world seeing what I see. Everyday, struggling and never ever being able to tak a full breath is not what the human race is meant to be doing. We are all struggling trying to fit into a puzzle that we are not designed to fit. Everything is about the bottom line , keeping up, being popular.....being.....accepted because what is the point if we are not. I hate the way the world is...the tension, the pain, the suffering, the struggling, the crying, the tears. I just want to wipe it all away and start fresh....will it ever happen.
Lately I have been lost in chaos, which is the most horrorifying type of delusion. Nothing in my life has gone the way it should, gone easily or even progressed slightly. I am taking a step in the wrong direction, hoping it is for the greater good. I believe strongly in signs...in odd little coindences or feelings that general mean nothing...yet they mean everything.
On my ponder tonight I found out something, a connection that I had always missed. A friend, a very close friend that would have been in my life no matter which path I chose earilier in life. See, I believe in destiny...but in a different sense than most. I believe destiny to be a changing life force that doesn't decide what choices we make but ultimatly shows us the right path to take. This friend of mine is someone that I know I have been very close to in another life. I can't remember if I have explained this in here before but I believe that on the day that our soul is created we are bounded through out all of time with other people who's sould were born around the same time. I believe the roles change, one life the mother, the next the child, after than the sister, but all in all the same souls are attracted to the same souls throughout life times. Earily in lifeI had a choice to make and I chose a path based on a friend's feelings and that took me in a different direction and led me to where I am today...and this person is connected to me. I have resently discovered if I have made a different chose and not considered a friend's feelings that I could very well be on a very different path...but this friend would still be a big part of my life because of other mutal conections. To put it all on paper it sounds odd, it is hard to describe,but to me this is means something of great important...this person is in my life for some really big reason!
I haven't been around this person as much as I would like to be.....maybe I need to be around her more, destiny has prescribed it for a reason....
Maybe she needs my friendship asmuch as I need her.
I don't believe any sign is false, or wrong.....
I feel as if I have made a revelation today...lets see where this leds!
I am hiding
Everyday I go through the same thoughtless process and plan, hoping to achieve....anything. But I don't. I feel like everything I am doing means nothing, is unimportant and in the long run a waste of time. Maybe it is because of this feeling of empending change, of something big that will finally have the rest of the world seeing what I see. Everyday, struggling and never ever being able to tak a full breath is not what the human race is meant to be doing. We are all struggling trying to fit into a puzzle that we are not designed to fit. Everything is about the bottom line , keeping up, being popular.....being.....accepted because what is the point if we are not. I hate the way the world is...the tension, the pain, the suffering, the struggling, the crying, the tears. I just want to wipe it all away and start fresh....will it ever happen.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Playing chicken with the hormone freight train...
I am pregnant, it is clearly so
I am tired, cranky, bitchy, and all I want to do is cry.
So.....
All of this doesn't matter.....or the fact that I am currently creating a human being....or two....
People suck...most of them.....and more so when I am pregnant. I have been told everything from "suck it up" "you wanted this" to things that are going to purposely make me cry. "I am surprised you and your husband are still together, you don't look happy."
Ok
So yes my husband can be lazy, unproductive, unhelpful, disrespectful and just plain a pain in the ass but I love him. I get it, he doesn't do the things I need him to do....my house is a mess and he refuses to help clean it even though I work 40 hours a week, bathe both children, cook dinner, put both children to bed, do the dishes and the laundry....oh and I am pregnant.... and he....well he works 30 hours a week and...plays video games, changes diapers, thinks cherrios is a well rounded meal and....watches movies. Obviously our family life is flawed... I know this...I know I do way too much and he does way too little..... and I would love love love love some help....but I know that will never happen.
I have given up thinking that my husband will ever put me or the children before his video games, I am through preteneding that when I am working that he is doing everything in his power to makes sure the children are getting a good start in life. I know that he will never be the person that does what a father is expected to do.....
But
what are my options?
I stay with the man I love and feel happy about our relationship at least dispite everything. Or I somehow find a way to be a single mother with 3 or 4 kids......oth are too hard to imagine but I know I am in the best situation I can possibly be in right now. It is hard to explain to someone that is on the outside looking in. I hate the way things are, but I love the man I am with...
I worry though, am I making the best decision staying with my husband in the matter of my children. Obviously I want them to be with there father....and he is not abusive, they are not living in total desaster....he is still making sure they are relatively safe...he is just not stimulating him...
I don't even really know what I am writing in here for...I know nothing will ever change and I will be over worked and tired until my children are grown and on there own.....Living the single parent life in a two parent home
I am tired, cranky, bitchy, and all I want to do is cry.
So.....
All of this doesn't matter.....or the fact that I am currently creating a human being....or two....
People suck...most of them.....and more so when I am pregnant. I have been told everything from "suck it up" "you wanted this" to things that are going to purposely make me cry. "I am surprised you and your husband are still together, you don't look happy."
Ok
So yes my husband can be lazy, unproductive, unhelpful, disrespectful and just plain a pain in the ass but I love him. I get it, he doesn't do the things I need him to do....my house is a mess and he refuses to help clean it even though I work 40 hours a week, bathe both children, cook dinner, put both children to bed, do the dishes and the laundry....oh and I am pregnant.... and he....well he works 30 hours a week and...plays video games, changes diapers, thinks cherrios is a well rounded meal and....watches movies. Obviously our family life is flawed... I know this...I know I do way too much and he does way too little..... and I would love love love love some help....but I know that will never happen.
I have given up thinking that my husband will ever put me or the children before his video games, I am through preteneding that when I am working that he is doing everything in his power to makes sure the children are getting a good start in life. I know that he will never be the person that does what a father is expected to do.....
But
what are my options?
I stay with the man I love and feel happy about our relationship at least dispite everything. Or I somehow find a way to be a single mother with 3 or 4 kids......oth are too hard to imagine but I know I am in the best situation I can possibly be in right now. It is hard to explain to someone that is on the outside looking in. I hate the way things are, but I love the man I am with...
I worry though, am I making the best decision staying with my husband in the matter of my children. Obviously I want them to be with there father....and he is not abusive, they are not living in total desaster....he is still making sure they are relatively safe...he is just not stimulating him...
I don't even really know what I am writing in here for...I know nothing will ever change and I will be over worked and tired until my children are grown and on there own.....Living the single parent life in a two parent home
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Two in a day
There is no law that says I can't write nothing in here twice in one day so I am doing it. Even if there was a law, I would break it.
I am sitting here, awake, because in one hour I will have to get David up for work. I have debated bed but thought the better of it because of the stairs. How lazy is that, I don't want to go to bed because it will mean having to do the stairs three times instead of one. I know, I am pathetic.
It turns out that I have no idea what to even write in here tonight. This blank page is yearning for me to fill it with words and thoughts to pervoke other thoughts and words but all that comes to mind is this......when you buy laundry detergent, make sure it is detergent and not liquid fabric softener.....I now can't do any more laundry until tomorrow....and that have pissed me off.
I haven't really talked about my life as a mother lately and maybe it is time for a blog about my girls.
Sara is growing like a weed and is as defiant as one. I am having trouble finding ways to get her to behave. Overall she is a polite and respectful little girl, but there are times when her demon side comes out, apparently it prefers bedtimes. Tonight I took every single book and toy out of her room and I put her dresser in front of her closest so that she would get the hint that I am not putting up with the 2 hour bedtime battle anymore. I know she is acting out because of lack of stimulation and outside time but lately it has been so cold that having her outthere even all bundled up would result in a cold. I am off this friday and the weather is supposed to be nice, I am hoping that I can take her out into the backyard and the two of us can play, I know she is longing for some mommy time.
Makayla is on the verge of walking on her own, she will be a one year old on Saturday and I am so excited for her birthday party on Sunday. She is getting so big and is so cute. She loves to be held and cuddled andgives great kisses and hugs, if you don't mind a little slobber. Her attitude lately has been laid back and easy, most of the time. Lately feeding her has posed to be the hardest task. She no longer wants baby foods and will only eat things shecan feedherself. This is posing to be a messy transition.
I love that the girls are best friends and I am cherishing this right now because I know in the future that it might not always be this way.
The little l line on the computer is flashing at me as if to say "please, keep typing, don't stop..." But I must...I am tired...good night world
I am sitting here, awake, because in one hour I will have to get David up for work. I have debated bed but thought the better of it because of the stairs. How lazy is that, I don't want to go to bed because it will mean having to do the stairs three times instead of one. I know, I am pathetic.
It turns out that I have no idea what to even write in here tonight. This blank page is yearning for me to fill it with words and thoughts to pervoke other thoughts and words but all that comes to mind is this......when you buy laundry detergent, make sure it is detergent and not liquid fabric softener.....I now can't do any more laundry until tomorrow....and that have pissed me off.
I haven't really talked about my life as a mother lately and maybe it is time for a blog about my girls.
Sara is growing like a weed and is as defiant as one. I am having trouble finding ways to get her to behave. Overall she is a polite and respectful little girl, but there are times when her demon side comes out, apparently it prefers bedtimes. Tonight I took every single book and toy out of her room and I put her dresser in front of her closest so that she would get the hint that I am not putting up with the 2 hour bedtime battle anymore. I know she is acting out because of lack of stimulation and outside time but lately it has been so cold that having her outthere even all bundled up would result in a cold. I am off this friday and the weather is supposed to be nice, I am hoping that I can take her out into the backyard and the two of us can play, I know she is longing for some mommy time.
Makayla is on the verge of walking on her own, she will be a one year old on Saturday and I am so excited for her birthday party on Sunday. She is getting so big and is so cute. She loves to be held and cuddled andgives great kisses and hugs, if you don't mind a little slobber. Her attitude lately has been laid back and easy, most of the time. Lately feeding her has posed to be the hardest task. She no longer wants baby foods and will only eat things shecan feedherself. This is posing to be a messy transition.
I love that the girls are best friends and I am cherishing this right now because I know in the future that it might not always be this way.
The little l line on the computer is flashing at me as if to say "please, keep typing, don't stop..." But I must...I am tired...good night world
The Mommy is IN
Sara is sick, she is a grumpy suck and I love it. This is the only time I get to really snuggle with her anymore. She is so independant already that sometimes it makes me sad. I am home from work today because of her sickness and my lack of sleep due to it.
It is so odd for me to not be able to fully disclose my thoughts in here but right now it just isn't right. So much is affected by somethings that I need to keep to myself at the momment.
Things are going to be changing greatly for us in the coming months. We are moving to a new home in Wasaga. I am really excited about this. The condo has 3 bedrooms and 4 bathrooms. I am really excited about the 2 hot tubs and the wood fireplace. It should make those cold nights a little more bearable. The condo is smaller than what we are used to but I think it will stil fit us well. There is going to be a lot to do, our move in date is on March 12. I know I will still be scrambling to get all the packing done even though I have a ton of time to get it done. The good thing is there is already a lot of furniture there so there are somethings that we can leave here.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
New
This is a new start in a sense and an old route in a way. My mind is mellow on a topic that many would find complex, but to me it a way of life and a way of survival. I speak in terms of life as if it were a thing not yet created until birth, but it is much more than this. I am writing to someone that very few know of and even lesser know. This person is more important than it is precieved and very soon my entire world will know of this person's existance.
For the life of me I can not remember a time when my life was simple and planned. Every movement of mine is not calculated, studied or even though out. All actions happen at randomn and then fade away as fast as they emerged. But there is comfort in this. There is a beauty that allows life to flow freely from my finger tips as though my mind is posessed. I am still gasping in the newness of life. Gasping at the endless wonders that allow me to believe that more exists out there.
I came to a revelation today while going about my life and work. This revelation is that humans are missing a sense that all other animals have. We have lost a connection to our planet, to our world. Everything would be different if we could feel the hurt that we are causing our Earth. We live on top of the earth, imagining that we are not connected to it and that we cannot be incontrol, but we are.
Did humans have this sense? Was it replaced with greed and the need to always have more? I almost feel trapped now as I speak by lacking of this sense. I feel boxed in as if I am disabled by my lack of connection with the planet. I am missing something. Do other feel this way too. All importance is placed on money, possesions, things..... when did life, love, connection become unimportant?
For the life of me I can not remember a time when my life was simple and planned. Every movement of mine is not calculated, studied or even though out. All actions happen at randomn and then fade away as fast as they emerged. But there is comfort in this. There is a beauty that allows life to flow freely from my finger tips as though my mind is posessed. I am still gasping in the newness of life. Gasping at the endless wonders that allow me to believe that more exists out there.
I came to a revelation today while going about my life and work. This revelation is that humans are missing a sense that all other animals have. We have lost a connection to our planet, to our world. Everything would be different if we could feel the hurt that we are causing our Earth. We live on top of the earth, imagining that we are not connected to it and that we cannot be incontrol, but we are.
Did humans have this sense? Was it replaced with greed and the need to always have more? I almost feel trapped now as I speak by lacking of this sense. I feel boxed in as if I am disabled by my lack of connection with the planet. I am missing something. Do other feel this way too. All importance is placed on money, possesions, things..... when did life, love, connection become unimportant?
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