Trying to keep my head above water

As always I have run to the comfort of the page for solstice. I feel like I am failing in every way.

My husband has tried to solict sex from two women, both of which denied him. But he still tried. I am so hurt and it keeps popping up, over and over again everytime any sort of stress hits me. I don't know what to think because half of me wants to say good bye and the other half of me can't hurt him, even though he has ripped my heart out. I want to scream and flip out so much and I can't. I have to hold my emotions and do everything I can to keep my kids from seeing that it hurts. They are two yong to understand, they need there daddy and because of that I will stay with him. Because he loves his kids and they love him and I wnat him to be with them every day and see them always. I don't want them to have my childhood.
But this means he gets to wlak on me. He swears he will never do this again but no matter how much he says it I don't believe it.
So I have been trying to make myself stronger. I have been trying to find a place with him in Barrie, that search is so fruitless. I have been trying to find a job and I keep getting brushed off. It sucks to feel so unneeded and like a failure.
I don't feel like I am not getting anywhere in life and I don't know how to fix it. It feels like that the whole 6 years at sunshine were such a waste, I gained nothing of real world value from it. I hate it. I hate how hard this is. I know life isn't easy but lately with every door slamming in my face it is almost impossible.

At the biggest crossroad of my life

He has cheated, he tried to get sex from other women...they denied him but he still tried and tried hard. He tried so hard he is banned from a Walmart store because he sexual harassed a girl until she couldn't handle it anymore.
Now what...
I told him I don't know if I can stay with him, but in the same 24 hours I said that and then slept with him. I am so unbelievably confused and I am confusing him and I don't know what to do.
I feel like I should be hurting so much more than I am, I feel like I should not even be remotely considering staying here. What is wrong with me that I can allow him to cheat, allow him to lie to my face for months and still stay here with him. What kind of woman does this.
I don't know how to leave, I don't even know the first step. I don't know how to do this. I have no job, I am making barely anything on EI and I don't have a way. Staying is the best option isn't it.
Forever I am going to be scarred and scared and hurt and I don't know how to trust him again. He keeps doing things to hurt me and each time they are worse, he has hurt me more than any person ever has. I am starting to feel indifferent as to if I am with him or not and that tells me that this relationship is not good for me.
He has profused his love many many times over the past few days, he has cried at my feet, he has begged me to stay, he has begged me to let him stay. He says he knows this is going to take time, but I don't know how much time, it could be forever. He swears this will never happen again, he promises that he will never hurt me again, he swears he will change. But, people don't change unless they really want to for themselves and he doesn't want to for himself...he only wants to so he is not alone.
I am so stressed and all I want to do is sleep because only then do all the stupid emotions and worries fade away. I don't want to be in this situation.
I look to my left and I see me alone with the kids struggling but fighting hard to make a life for me and them. I don't know if I am smiling in this scene. I don't know how to have a job in this light, i don't know how to survive really, but I do know that if I have to I will do everything I can to make it work. I don't know if there is love in this world either, love from another. Do I want to be in a relationship with someone else.
On the right, I stay, life continues as it always has and David is here with his kids even if it is only in a context that has a playstation attached. I don't know if in this world I am happy, I don't know if I have a relationship with trust...essentially I don't know if it has love. I don't know if this reality will open the door for me to be hurt again. Will he do it again.....I am almost positive he will.
I don't know if we are meant for each other anymore. Here come the tears again.
I am so pissed off that he has done this, put me here. I hate him for putting me here.

Painfully Obvious

Dear Mystery Mind out there in the world
I am sad tonight and mouring for something I don't have...attention. I am going to be painfully truthful with myself and point out that it is not love I am wanting, because I have that. I just don't dazzle his senses, I don't impress him, I feel like I am not enough to capture his interest. This leads me to believe I have to branch out and find someone to dazzle, impress and capture. I don't feel good enough if I don't have a boy pining over me and I know that is my flaw and not everyone elses.
Is it so wrong for me to want a man that finds me atractive? I don't only mean sexually but a man that is drawn to me and wants to be with me and have conversation with me. One that isn't tied to something else. Is it wrong for me to want a man that wants to help me in every way possible. Is it wrong for me to want a man that looks me in the eyes and I can feel that I mean so much to him. Is it wrong for me to want a man that doesn't think sex with me is a joke. With David it is almost as if every suggestive thing I do brings fits of laughter instead of thoughts of intamitcy. He doesn't take me seriously, The other day I said something to him and it is the realest thing to ever pass my lips. "You take your pretend world seriously and your real world as a joke." I'm a joke to him. I want to be completely right for someone.

Wtf

Brain wtf. Who don't need this stupidity . Heart why have you ganged up on me. Don't I get a say.

Wrapped around backwards

As I often do this post will be wrapped in confusion as my brain is in confusion. I know this is a game that has been born out of a need, a need to be alive, a need to have a place and a need for acceptance. I know he is playing this game and still the words are amazing, the affection that is shown makes me pretend it is not a game. But why, I have no plan to persue, no plan to make this real. I guess there is a need to be different and of things lacking that makes this appealing. I don't understand it but it makes me feel ok, even for a little while and there is this thing where he looks me in the eyes and I melt. I know he wants me to feel this way, he wants to be conversation in my head, he wants me to feel something so that I will change my mind. Why do I have this need to have something else. Something more than everyday. It saddens me that I can't feel complete unless I am worped. I feel like I have written this exact post before...and have. I am scared though...where do I go from here if all of a sudden I don't have an alternate. I am sad my brain even thinks that is a problem.

On this night

I needed this blank page tonight, this one with the flashing line waiting for me to spill my thoughts on to it. It was as if a craving had ensued. Dear paper, I am lost

I am not sure how I ever got to this place that is lower than low and I don't know how to make it come to light in any other way other than to type it tonight. I am more lost than ever. I am barely existing, honestly I don't exist outside of these walls and instead of them suffocating me as I am used to now they are comfortable. Too comfortable. I want more, but I don't even know where to start. I want a job that matters....maybe that is because I thought I had one and found out I didn't. I want to pick up the pieces but I am finding myself standing over the pieces too much and admiring the mosaic they make. I am not getting anywhere... I rarely have a smile and I want to smile. It is starting to feel like my days are filled with quicksand. I am making poor choices, eatting bad things, sleeping as much as I can, the house is as messy as ever and I find myself constantly looking at everything and wondering how I got here. How did I go from sitting at the top to now being... nothing. I am so lost, more lost than ever and I don't know how to get out of this.

Help

Females

I am not a girl's girl, infact in most cases I do not get along with members of the same sex at all. I think this is because I am afraid they think the same way I do. I always take them as a threat. Now a great deal of the time I have to deal with my room mate's girlfriend and I don't like her. She is a little tiny bubbly ball of giggly annoyance. I don't think I will ever be happy with any other girl that comes into my territory...I hate it and I feel uncomfortable in my own surrounding.

Night light

Strong. I am truely going to do what I have set my brain to do. I am coming to terms with the fact that I may be more mentally invested in the bigger picture than I realized. Is it a possiblity that I might have a sex addiction? Am I more consumed with it than the average person? I am discovering more and more that I am pulled by mommentary fullfilment than long term gains. That kinda scares me. I am impulsive and I risk too much just to smile for a minute and essential feel alive just for a second.

What is sex to me? Sex is Power and by power I mean two things. It gives me the power to control men even though I am not a skinny little girl. I know how to tempt, I know how to tease. To me it is kind of a game. Just to see if I can make a man's eyes linger, walk into a room and see excitement and response. I know how to stare, I know how to be innocent yet alluring. I know how to achieve the satisifaction I crave. But, the problem is...in this form it controls me. Always I feel I have to be on my game, on pointe and I can never have an off day or I feel damaged. That gives them control...and that essentially controls me. Sex is a mind game before it is ever a physical game. The other problem is I don't know how long to play the game and that has put me in compromising situations. I am always tempted even if I don't engage in anything...even if I have no reason to be attracted I am somehow tempted to make it something physical. In my mind I play out the situations and they become my desires.

More to come!

Did it!

I did it tonight. Three minutes ago in fact. I changed. I got off the bad track and found a new one. I am going to be real. Truthful to the core and I am going to let my past sins be past sins. I have prayed. I asked for forgiveness and I have sought council. The past happened and I deeply regret it and I am always going to but it is time to move on. God will let me be free of the burdens. I do not beseech God as often as I should. Maybe this had to happen to make me see the light anew. Good night. And much love mystery mind!

Once Upon a time....

On a night like today my mind is clear. Too often I stare at this page and try to be deep enough to make sense even though half the time it becomes jumbled. Tonight I sit her and I need to see things in the daylight. Who am I.

Let me start. I am unemployed. I haven't written that yet or even let the words rest in my brain. I have no job and so far no ambition to find anything because I can't wrap my head around not being embraced by the chaos that was Sunshine. That place was home and I feel like my family is now shattered. I miss having people beside me when I needed them and I miss enjoying success, failures, hardships, fun with them. I have tried to think of this as a step forward, but honestly I am terrified of it being a step back. I had something there that I am so afraid I am never going to have again. I was accpeted, I was real there and I greeted most days with a smile. I will still greet everyday with a smile and maybe sunshine had to happen to let me see that I can....be...more. I will make anything and everything my own. I will be SOMETHING.

What else.

My relationship. I am still pining over the one I can't have and trying to build a life with the one I can. I am getting better at realizing the potiential of what I have and I am learning that the one I don't have is a friend and that is enough. He is still the person I run to when I am mad at David and that is wrong. That is not helping at all. There is another on my mind but I don't take him seriously. A few years ago I did, but now I am....more mature. Althought I think saying the word mature makes me childish. He makes me smile. And he essential adds excitement to my boring life.


What else am I about.

My children make me smile. They are an endless bundle of energy and excitement and fun and I feel like I need to stop trying to box that in. I am guilty of being a boring mom and a lazy mom. I need to stop that. Laziness rules too much of my life, actually pretty much my whole life. I take the easy route always and I never put all the effort I could into my home life. I need to turn this around. I want to be more for my children and I want them to see that the world is full of beauty and promise....not stress. I am guilty of leading a stress filled life that really has no stress. I make things harder than it needs to be. I need to smile more, think less.....and Live A Lot!

I guess that is it.....I have figured it out.... :D :D

Control

Life it seems to me is all about control. When you are the one doing the controlling you are on top. But when you are the one controlled you wallow at the bottom. He is in control in a sense and it hurts me. I have no rights to be in control, I mean I have done the same with no shame and yet his escapades have left me broken. I wish I was stronger because then the words spoken to another female wouldn't hurt. It is always the way in this relationship of mine that I get kicked when I am down. Right now I am not allowed to feel the way I want. I can't wear make up so I look like shit. My acne is worse than it ever has been, I am fat. My teeth will never be fixed and all in all I look like the punch line to every hick joke ever created. It is in this fraile state that my tears come frequently and it is beginning to feel as if I don't know how to exist without tears streaming down my face. This relationship hurts, but that is the same for all relationships at one time or another, right?

Real Life

Who Am I
I am lazy, I am unproductive. I am tired all the time. I am scared, I am lonely. I am ugly, I am painful. I don't want remorse. I don't want pity. I don't want you to even think of me. I am the hidden, the distant, I am the one you are never quite sure about. I am what happens when you give up. No matter what I am still here. I am never going to be enough, I am never going to be truely happy. Dispite myself will keep striving for your vision of perfection. I am the shadow, I am the dark. I am the dead and I am the deaf.

STOP

I don't have to be.

I don't want to be.

Tomorrow I am going to open my eyes and greet the world anew. I will be better. I will try harder even though I don't think I can. I am not going to go down without a fight. I am not going to be a death sentence for myself. I am going to be more. I am going to be inspiring, I am going to  be invincable and I AM GOING TO BE A BETTER ME.

PERIOD.

SO FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE THAT KEEP BRINGING ME DOWN. FUCK ALL THE PEOPLE THAT AREN'T AROUND. Fuck all the Drama, Fuck all the hate. FUCK PERFECTION. Fuck the world that I don't fit into, fuck the fuckers that do. I am done with this bullshit and done with this mindset and I am done feeling guilty for those I have left in the past. I don't miss you, i don't need you. It was NOT MY FAULT you turned out to be the scum of the Earth. FucK my brain and it's fucked up resolution. I am strong enough, I am loved enough by myself and on my own.

Ice Water

My thoughts go to the cold, even though this may seem dramatic, it sees me bare foot and direct. It sees me placing one foot in front of the other and clearly progressing. It sees no thought, it sees no vision, it feels no wind, it feels nothing. Down the street in the snow this vision takes me, my feet should fail on the ice but they stride along as if on track. My mind is blank.To the place where the water meets the moon does this thought go. I look at the sky, at the moon. I look past the ice, past the snow, past it all and only see the white shining moon. My feet stop to look, thoughts do not come, warning is no good. Automatically my legs move, mechianically the start ahead. My eyes, unblinking stare at the moon. Even as the icy slush swells around my legs, even as the ice tries to stop me. I stare at the moon and become a part of it. I stare at the moon and feel nothing. I water creeps slowly higher as I move toward the light. That light is the only thing that matters now, I see nothing else. I feel nothing else, I want nothing else. I feel calm, my soul feels closed. My body now shuts down as it must. I lay down in surreder and never once think of what is coming to pass. My vision sees the stars, twinkling, shining, shimmering. Beautiful. I stare unblinking at the stars, no thoughts fill my head, finally completely free, finally there is no noise, no stress. The stars start to fade and I close my eyes. I don't want to see the stars in any other light.