To say it out loud would defy it all

I am keeping a secret, a secret life, a secret desire that is sweet. I am finding new oppertunities with every turn.

It is within my grasp, that thing I have wanted for so long. It can be mine, I can have it. I feel wierd knowing this. So many questions and really no answers to be had until the momment of coming is upon us. I want to do this. I lack the means in a sense. I need to be better before the ball rolls.

I am coming into my own and this change of mind is just another step that allows me to explore. This is not traditional and I am not ashamed but I feel no need to advertise.
Do you want to go on this journey with me mystery mind? Should I tell you the key to this adventure? Can you figure it out without me openly speaking of it.
I am not sure how to proceed, this will require thought. Maybe for now only those that I know will not judge should be privy to such information. Tonight mystery mind you must stay clouded in shadow.

It's new

Hubby and I have had new talks regarding an area of life that was ceasing to exist and we have made leaps and bounds in this department. I could not be happier. This decision that we are coming to is massive and it is accessable and well...it is going to be made a reality whenever we can make this function. This area has rules, this area is tricky but it has rewards.....many rewards.

This is a place I never ever expected myself to be. Never thought I could have the confidence to be in this place and every day I am impressed with myself. I am so much more than I have every been and he is with me in this. This will be good for us. It just has to happen.

Sunshine part 2

The world just can not get enough love. In this tiny house we have enough love for the whole world. My children are my everything, that is not just an expression of words but truely an expression of heart. I sit here and I watch my tiny boy sleeping. He face twiches and smiles as if his dreams are amasing. I like to think about what is playing in he head, something incredible I am sure.
Watching my girls grow leaves me in awe. There is no way to explain how my heart melts are the thought of how they will change this world. Giving love brings love and it multiplies.

I haven't had a sunshine day in so long, I have been under pressure, under stress and undercover. Today is a little bit more than the last few have been. It is 10:39 in the moring and I feel as if I have lived a whole day since 7am this morning. I am happy.

Today is going to be a blog friendly day...tonight....will be epic.

Sunshine

I am glowing, basking in the love of my babies! There is nothing better, nothing more important and nothing more beautiful!

Hey! The radio just played the song I requested!!! Love it! Today is a good day. I am feeling great! Yay!


I will post more later, crazy children.

Unthinkable

I caved I fb messenged him even though it goes against all things rational or smart. I did it and immediately regretted it. It instantly made me a whiny, needy little baby that screamed "look how desperate I am" What the hell was I thinking!!!!
He never messenged back....thanks bud......asshole. I know offically it was all a stupid game and I thought it was more. I stupidly trusted him...I am so glad I didn't do anything drastic. Can you imagine??? Mystery mind, can you even fathom where I would be right now.

My day was boring. I fianlly got some sleep and then I played with the kids, cooked dinner, did the bath, book bed routin and then worked out, cleaned the toy room, did laundry and here I sit. I should be cleaning the kitchen and the rest of the house but I am sitting here watching Real Housewives.

I am having brain block tonight and my fingers are not processing creatively.

Erotic Element of the Condemned Scorpio

This is a reflection, this is a damnation
This is an expression, this brings the friction

Here it is is red and black
My life isn't one you want to explore
I am not the average
I rise above in the pages beneath
I am a vixen when the bar flashes in front of me
Here it is in black and white
Don't look and judge
Don't assume
You will never win, you will never get me.
I am untouchable, I am something you have never discovered.
To look you see nothing, you know there is more there but you can't imagine
Since tiny I wrote the words my mind commanded
Since little I know I was special
I am a creature of sex, I radiate it
I am controlled by it, drawn to it and I bask in it
Come taste it and realise this isn't average
Get past the look in my eye and you will see the freak.
I can't explain, no one gets it, no one sees me the way I am
I can hide, I am hidden and no one will every find me
In my mind I am bad
In my head I am an abject of my own desire
I want you to want me
I want your eyes on me
I want to command your smile
I want the best
Erotic elements rule my life
I live the life of the condemned Scorpio
This display to only that, a screen a front so that you will never realize what I can do
I am deep.

Because I am a freakin' beast.

You can't get to me, you can't touch me, truely I kick ass.

I want to strut myself, I want you to see it, to truely want it. I want to march past you in my high heels, shaking my ass and commanding all eyes. I am not weak and I am not done. I want to knock you all off your feet.

I am feeling like I have everything and I am going to make you believe whenever your eyes are on my mystery reader. You will feel my presence, I am not run of the mill and there is no mould. Bring it baby, I wanna strut!

2:12 am

Why will my children not sleep!?????? Ever. I am so sick of this, of feeling tired all the time, of trying to function on 3 hours of sleep during the day while Ethan is asleep and not cranky. I am so tired of feelwing like a life starved zombie trying to make it to the next intersection of life.
Makayla wants to be up all night too, she has been throwing a fit every time she wakes up.... which has been 4 times since her bed time at 7:00pm. I am seriously at the end of my rope. I don't know what I am supposed to do, how I am supposed to do anything or how to make this better.
My kids are grumpy all day because they never sleep and then at night they are awake all night just because there is nothing better to do that scream and cry at 2:12 in the morning. People do this, they have three kids and they function. Many woman can just do it and be happy and smile and just be everything to everyone with a plastic fucking smile on their faces. I am not one of these womane, I cannot function without sleep. I can not do anything if I feel like shit and I refuse to play barbie when all I can think of is how nice it would be to be under my blankets and sleep until my body tells me to wake up
I am never going to be able to do anything in my life the way things are now.....I can't fucking sleep at all and trying just pisses me off..q.how the fuck am I supposed to sleep if 30 seconds after I close my eyes a child wakes up and screams blood murder until I figure out how to fix the problem. Maybe I am the qfucking problem, I am qmust be doing something wrong that two of my chqildren refuse to sleep for anymore than an hour without waking and screaming.

He is doing all the right things

My husband is doing everything right to make me fall in love with him all over again. He has put his playstation to rest when the kids are awake and today he even surprised me with flowers.
How do I explain this without sounding wrong. I love him, I know I do but it isn't the same anymore, even though he is doing everything right.
How do I explain that I am messed up, that I can't be everything I want to be and be with me. He brings me down, he doesn't lift me up. Our lives are unproductive, boring and a death sentence and he is fine with that. I need more out of life now and I have no idea how to achieve that. Then I wonder if I am only feeling like I need to be alone so that I can say I have made a change, even though that is probably not the right path to take. My brain is never satisified and that is the problem.
I have so many regrets in my past, everything from the way my relationship progresses to not finishing college.....to not living....I was not smart...how do I change this trend.

Maybe I was wrong

I thought I needed you to make me happy, I thought I needed your words to feel strong and I thought I needed your love to keep me strong but I am finding out that I just don't. For a week now you have shut the doors, you have tuned me out and it seems easy.... very easy for you. You fucked with me, that was all it was. You turned my world around and your played your fucking game for nothing. Enjoy every single thing you have. I am better off. At the end of the day all your hopes and dreams just get washed away as if written in sand. I live in the real world where food has to be earned and money doesn't just appear in my hand. In this jungle only the strong survive and I am done with being held up by false promises of a better tomorrow.

Somehow I am going to make life work, and I am going to get farther and be more than I am right this minute. I am restless and I am tired of being held down by life. I am going to start living. I am glad I have realised that I don't need you to help me breath.

I will admit I am scared though becuase one of these days in the future you are going to pop back into my life. I am not stupid, I know how this game works. Oqne of these days you will be bored with fucking anything that walks and you will decide to look me up and you will messenge me wanting to be friends and wanting to get back what was there. I don't know how I will react to this. I would love to say my sensible brain will pravile and I will ignore you, delete you and pretend it never happened. But I know myself and I know I will messenge you and dramatic bullshit will insue.

I hate that this got to me so much, I look back at my posts and I look like a whiny baby that can't express anything.

I am standing, I am breath, your a fucking tool that can't handle life. I am strong and powerful and determined to get every inch of life out of this and now....finally.....you don't matter.


12:09am and life is an open book that I am writing to me. Somehow because I shared this blog, it has been directed to you and away from my center. I am taking it back. I am writing for myself and to myself from now on.....you truely have no place here. I want to call this stage Acceptance

Beyond the Edge

I stared into oblivion and survived. Last night I laid in my bed and pleaded with god to turn back time. Back to that momment in the room when it all went down and I wish I had taken a momment to look you in the eyes and tell you I love you. Every single element in my life would be different. Would I be better off, I don't know, but it feels like it was supposed to happen and didn't.

I gotta get past this and I am trying... I only checked my inbox 12 times hoping for an e-mail from you.

I don't know where I am at...I want to know and I don't.

I don't want to think

Anymore......every.....

Can't do it....

Here it is....I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I am just living life in a shell, I am not engaging ing life, I am not enjoying life and I am not living life. You don't care, you really don't....I don't know what I expected but I guess I just expected you would be there. I can't keep this up.

I need to find a way to cope with life and right now I am glued to my inbox. I can't get over you and I have cried so much my eyes hurt and now I guess I just have to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. I am fucking pissed, I don't want to be but I guess if it is that easy for you to drop me means it wasn't as strong as I thought it was. You just want me to change my whole life for you but you don't want to be my friend, you say you can't be. I feel like you ran into my life, said everything i have ever wanted to say and then you were gone...poof
I can't appologise, I can't change anything, I don't want to take anything away from what we had and I can't contain how this feels.
I love my husband, I do.....I have been with him almost every single day for the past 7 years. I have shared everything with him, I have bonded with him and I have a connection with him. He is my rock, he is there and he is the father of my children. He is a major part of me.

I love you in a different way, in a raw way, in a sensual way. I love you because you make me feel alive, you make me feel better, you make me feel happy and you make me more. I have not felt the way I do talking to you in so long and now I can't cope without you. You don't get it. I am hurting and I need you so much to keep me happy. I am selfish, I am greedy and I don't give a fuck at this point. I am so sorry that I can't uproot my life for you. I am beyond this point now. I don't know what that means. I don't know how to deal with this. I just can't right now. I am really sorry about everything and I don't want you to regret me and you do. I hate this, hate this hate this hate this hate this fucking bullshit.....

This is it....I am through....
GOOD BYE.

500 times a day

That is ow many times a day I want to e-mail you. I want you to know how much I miss you, how much I need you in my life. How I need you to be my friend. I need your support. I have a lot I want to accomplish in my life and I want you there to celebrate my successes and motivate me when I have a hard time. I am lost without you in my life.
I understand why you can't be here and it makes sense for my relationship and it is best for everyone I guess. I am the only one that is hurting with the way things are now. I hate feeling like this. You make me feel good, you make life easier and talking to you makes me shine. Is that bad.
I hate this. I hate it so much that it is consuming every part of my day. I have no reason to do anything because I was doing this for you. I was a better person with you in my contact list.
I honestly do not know what the future holds but I do know I am stronger, happier and jus plain better with you with me. I need you as a friend to me right now...and I can't have you without losing the father to my kids...I guess I am going to have to find another way to cope, I just can't think of you.
I really hope you still read this, I doubt you do but it helps me to know I have a connection. It truely hurts so much to check my inbox and not see an e-mail from you. I check it a million times a day just hoping that you might decide you need me in your life, even if it isn't the way you want it to be. I miss you so much. I am here for you if you ever need me. I will never get over losing you.

Trying to smile and my smile has faded

He is the way he was a long time ago, the light is back in his eyes. I know he loves me, he is doing what he needs to now and I have fate this is going to remain. He has done what I have asked him to. But why oh why isn't my heart better.
Last night shattered me.
I am not sure if I am going to recover from this. I understand why you can't talk to me and he doesn't want me talking to you so opening my e-mail and not seeing your name makes sense. It is logical, I am following the rules. I had to delete your e-mail so that I couldn't e-mail you, because everytime my fingers touch the keys I want them to be writing words to you. I am in pain, a dull agonising pain.
I have been keeping busy trying to turn my brain off because it seems to help. But what about tonight when the night is quiet and my heart aches to talk to you, just to know you are in my world, but you aren't.
I hate this so so so much.
I am sorry. I am always going to want to be with you....why is life so cruel. I will miss you forever and I am hoping that in time I become numb. I hope I never run into you, ever. My heart wouldn't be able to handle that.

Did it

I did what I was supposed to do. I broke your heart and tossed you away the way I was supposed to. It's for the good of my family I suppose. It is supposed be the right thing......why is the right thing hurting so much. My heart is broken.

Please read me.

I told him about you and it was awful, he hates me now. I am lost. I need to focus on myself right now. I need to be selfish. I love you, I really do and i know you don't believe me. My stomach is so sick right now and my heart is broken. I need you to understand. Please please understand. I am so sorry I messed this up so badly. i don't know how I am going to give you up. I already miss you. But what am I supposed to do. I can't stand on my own two feet let along stand on it and take care of my three kids. they have to come frist. I love you, and I will always love you. I know you will never understand. This is not good bye forever, my heart could not handle that. please read this and understand.

Coin Toss

This post is not for the faint of heart, it truely shows you the battle of heart and mind, of fear and love.

I have been told that true love conqures all, but what if your heart and mind, all your senses are locked in a battle between two. What if you were at war in your head with opposites that attract in different way. I don't want to be a part of this coin toss....chosing heads or tails is a rattling decision that will ripple in effect until I either rise or am condemned to lead the life I have chosen. I would rather just take the coin.

This was never a decision that I planned on facing, merely a past that I thought was unreachable. But new life has been breathed into my world. This light has made me feel new in every way, has given me the ability to smile and to feel...power. With this light I feel like I used to and like there is more. But the light has a shadow. The light is not the smart or safe road to take. It is bordered with doubt, with lack of commitment and with a worry that the light will never be more. The light is still naive to the harshness to the world in ways that are not understood. Though old he is not expirenced with the working of the world in the fashion that I require.

The one is familar and is safe and is smart and maybe I have been less forgiving than I should be. This one has not faltered in the ways he has been. I am not really happy with the current way of life but maybe there is more that has not come. He is lacking in the ways of raising and thus causing a break down in the way the world is set. This lacking has created a definate break, a crack in the moral foundation of what is provided. He is known. The one has been there, not in all ways as I believe they should be addressed but he is there in spirit and in physical presense. He is The One in the eyes of my children and this posses the biggest deliema.

I asked to be shown a sign, a trigger to make me know the path before me that is laid and these words stood out... Follow your Heart. But where oh where heart am I to follow you? Which path is more appealing? Which downfalls are less to consider. I am torn and confused and broken in ways I was never to know.
My heart belongs in the momment and the momments are heated by different furances at will. The momment the words appear before me and the second my ears hear the voice that was forgotten I can not feel anything else. I feel love and I have wanted this love to come from this light for so long. It has been a dream and a fanatasy from my childhood. I am so in tune with this voice in many ways and very distant in others. It would allow a part of my world to be exposed and have air that it has never ever had. The one is comfortable in the sense that I know what to expect and there is an element of control, but also an element that is caged and if this path is chosen it will be locked away forever. Is that the way I want it to be.

The light forces me to compete again, the one does not. The one knows that now me and the light remembers the old. I want to be the old. I am not of sound mind it seems in this decision, the weight of which bears much. I am beyond my will power to resist either and the setting of eyes makes my brain ache of question.

Believe in yourself is a statement my mother drilled into my head. It seems this is the way to view this. Maybe I should truely just be on my own, but that would in a snese mean chosing the light because the one would be crushed.

They both confess love and both confess this love to be deep and meaningful. They both propose mariage. One has been chosen but in reality would not have been if the light had been shown and if the light was truely known. The light was in the world but faded when the one stepped up and claimed dominance.

I wonder though. Should the one know the light exists. Is my method of coping one that should remain intact or in the need of fairness should he be made aware. Simply admiting could lead to danger. Simply admitting could sway the mind of the one. I can not carry this train of thought tonight.... now the question, who will my mind wander to and dream of tonight.

And he loves me

I am lost because his words are tempting, so tempting that they are sweet. I am torn and that scares me. I can't talk, the words are muted behind lips that feel no shame. And if this was discovered, this hidden agenda, would it matter, would it really or would it truely speed up the enividable. What do I want and more importantly why do I want it. Is the old thing just old and the new shiny and full of promise. But it isn't full of promise. It is truely a ride on a path with no benefit, that will never be better in a security sense. It is a selfish path that I want to dip into in a way that isn't rational, it isn't good. But it is hot and amasing and unknown.
There is a third path that makes it more of an appeal. Can I simply stand on my own feet without a commitment, even though there is a commitment already. But maybe it is a better place to be. I don't know. I look around and I wonder how these walls could be ones I dispise. Will I regret it, will I. That is the biggest question in my head. This is just new, lets just see where it lends. I wish I had a sign. Why be stupid, why play this game. Has your heart ever really let go of the past, if the screen showed a new reality would my heart be able to with stand the trama....and why do I feel it would be trama. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am never going to arrive at a destination, I am going to be forever wondering what if in every single sense of the words. I just don't know and to me that say avoid it all and figure out who wants to fight, the burden and the problems.....I have said the word that changes things in the minds and hearts of those I care about. But the words were out there and they slide off my lips so easily. And I truely meant them.
This is huge.