Just my mind....

Sometimes a colour can inspire a mood, a train of thought or just a reaction. I guess that is my ambition for this colour. I was full of energy and spunk like this colour a few hours ago, but as the night has worn on my mood has muted and my thoughts have sprung out from the dark, but are still clouded in camaflage.
Where am I tonight. Christmas has past and I now in a state of comfort because I get to reclaim normalness. I always feel like the holidays climb until they reach a fevered pitch that is Christmas day. I found the spirit this year, but I am also weary now that the spirit will now fade and stone cold winter blues will engulf humanity. I have much to focus on to keep my mind from closing completely, but sometimes it all seems over welming and pointless.
I am feeling lost again. Holiday pictures have shocked me into seeing myself in way that don't appeal. I am huge. I am gaining and I am not comfortable. I sit now at a weight I told myslef I would never reach, yet I have and I hate it...yet still chocolate wraps surround my desk. I need an off switch. I need....at this point I don't even know what will mean enough to me to stop getting crap that I know is not benficial in anyway except to fill a mommentary void before the dread and self loathing sets in.
Mentally I am all over the playing feild right now. I am not taking my antidepressants as I should do to the fact that money is limited and Christmas did cometh. I am not pleasant at the momment to put it nicely and when I say that I mean in every way possible. I am grumpy, spiteful, angery and other things not meant for sharing. My mind is on a path that can only lead to self destruction....but my mind has convinced itself that this path it is on is one of self discovery and that I should embrace my new found status.
On to a branch now....
I feel sexy, which yes contradicts the feels of fat, ugliness...but it is there none the less. I don't feel beautiful. I think of sexy as more of feeling of power, drive..... I don't think I am sexy to others, in fact I know I am not but I still feel sexy to me.

Family....really

There is a saying that Friends are the Family that you chose yourself and I believe that to be one of the truest statements in the world. I am not a person that has many acquantances but I have people that I keep close to my heart, a select few. This people share strengths, momments of weakness, momments of joy, momments of life and every momment in between. If you mess with one of us your are messing with us all.
I have this. I have a strong bond with a group of ladies that I am proud to call my family. We share a bond that is thicker than blood and we are sisters in the deepest sense of the word. I keep these ladies close to my heart. We all have strengths and we all have shortcomings and we lean on each other and together we are strong, fearless and capable. I have never felt a bond like this in my life, I feel like I belong. We are all very different, but in that difference we become one. We share and together we are whole.
Tonight I laughed, smiled and breathed with my ladies. The night was not one of the best because of outside forces but the company made it a great night. I hope this ladies know just how much they mean to me and how close I feel to them because with them by myside I feel like I am more. I am lucky to have them.
I have my girls, my husband, my family and the people I am related to....... Thank you for it all!

Mindful Wonderings

I am not a woman of religion because as I think I have said in here before I am not a woman who believes in religion. Religion seperates, seagrates and affects people judgements as far as their own actions are conserned. I do however believe in a power, or a god that created us and is there for us in times of need. For me he is someone to talk to, to thank and to believe in, he is someone I can turn to in times of need and he is someone I can ask for help from. To me he is a friend, a true friend. I believe this because I can feel his presence, not because I am told to believe from other sources in my life. I believe because I choice to believe.
I think at this time of year it is almost impossible not to feel the magic and the warm that wraps around you like a blanket. There is this...sparkle to the world that in a way lets everyone know that everything is going to be ok. The only way to see it though is to step away from the stores, and the toys and the presents and the money and really look with un-clouded eyes. Only then will you be able to see joy, peace and happiness.
It feels to me like the world is coming out of a fog. We have been in dark troubled times for so long and now the magic is finally seeping through and re-building some of what life used to be and what it is turning into. I don't know if it Christmas that is awaking the world from slumber or is it the relization that it is fianlly time for us to emerge into a new and glorious world. To me it feels like the world is hatching as if a bird from an egg...but the world is still new and it still must be cautious of the new life that beats within it.
Sometimes it feels like there is so much in the world that I will never ever understand. I can't understand how there are millionaires and billionaires and yet children die every day from hunger. I don't understand people that have everything wanting more. I don't understand how a person's mentality can allow them to be so greedy and yet so many people have nothing and no way of getting out of where they are. My heart hurts in mourning for some much being lost because of greed. Are there good people out there anymore? People that would give everything they have to make someone else's life just a little bit better. People without agendas, gossip, motives, or drama...people would just want the world to be a better place. Is there a place where wanting and having hope isn't rediculed. I hope so.
Right now I sit here and I am mouring because I know there is someone out there hurting in way that I have never experienced and there is nothing I can do and there are people out there that could do so much but won't. How can this happen?
My heart is heavy tonight and I pray with every cell in my body that tonight someone will help someone else. That everyone will do something for another human being. I pray that the world will one day make sense to me and everyone that needs something, will get it. I am praying for love, life and peace. Please pray with me.

Greatness

Change.....is an awe inspiring thing and it always seems to sneak in the back door when you least expect it to. I am in the midst of change...but I have no idea what I am changing into.
I have more determination than I have had in a long time...determination to do things the right way, not just to get them over with. This appilies to as many aspects of my life as I can get it to. Work, home, with the kids....with David.
I am starting to feel full of life, the way I used to in some ways and in a totally new way in others. I can deal with problems, manage myself and be strong in everything I do. I can take pride in myself and shine every single time I take a step. I am more than I have ever been.
I am working again with Sunshine and I am really enjoying it. I have take a new approach the includes positivity and pride in my work. I am doing things and staying on track and completing tasks. I don't feel like I am running around in circles and getting nothing done. I am focused and I am prepping myself for success.
With all this being said, there is still a gap in my mental personna. I can't describe how I am feeling really but it feels like a part of me is...lacking...missing or just not all together. I don't know how to correct this feeling and I wonder if it has to do with my wanting another child. Maybe because my family is not complete that my mind can't be complete. I don't know.....I just feel....unfinished. I have decided that currently I will put this energy into bettering myself through my work place and try to fill this void.
David and I are doing so well lately. I feel happy and in love with him on a level that we have never managed to get to. He is the father that I have wanted him to be and the husband that I have needed him to be. I love him with every part of me and now, that isn't scary. I know he is my soul mate and I see our future as clear and bright as the next day. Hardships come and they pass, and this one finally has.
Christmas is almost here and despite my hate for winter I am feeling in the holiday spirit. The snow blowing, lights twinkling and our babies running around the house has made my spirit come alive. I love everything that I have and I am so thankful for my life and love. I have something that is so hard to find and a family life that is almost extinct in our walks of life. I have just what I am meant to have and I am blissfully happy in my surroundings.

Conversations with God

I like to think of this journal as a conversation with God. I am not a religious person, I mean I am spirtual, I believe in God but I don't believe in church. God is everything and anything and I don't think solely honouring him in a closed in stuffy building makes you a religious person. God is in love, in bugs, in fresh air, in a baby's cry in and in a child's laugh. Sitting around singing songs that don't include life outside the church's doors in not a means of redemption.

All this being said, last night while in my bed I had a conversation with God. I thanked him for my life, for David and his caring ways, for my girls and the joy of watching them grow. I thanked him for having a roof over our heads and food in the cupboard. I thanked him so much for always giving me enough to get through every situation. God keeps me grounded and focused onthe big picture and not worrying about the little things that don't matter, the superficial things that takeup more time than they are worth.

I also prayed for strenght. I am going back to work in a month and I need to have the strenght to get through the day being away from my babies. I am going to miss them so much. I need to be strong and do what I have to for my family. I love being home and I am a little sad that I have kind of taken it for granted and not done as much with my time as I could have. I am so lucky that I had the time to connect with my girls and now it is time for them to start to depend on themselves and theire father a little more.

Life is just beautiful right now. Yes, there are struggles but what would life be without them. I have everything I need and David and I are stronger than ever. I go my head sorted out a little and yes we had some big fights but honestly we needed to get things out to get over them.

Now off I go to play with my babygirl! I am going to make them most of the days I have left and play play play my days away!

Down a dark and scary road...

Life, like most things, is a cycle and everything always comes back to the beginning one way or another. I think sometimes though you have to convince things to move in the direction they were meant to.
Lately there have been probelm with my relationship with David, problem that have been addressed more than once but have never had any closure and thus commited us to our first major fight as a married couple. Things got bad, worse then they ever have but.....we both bent...and we are stil strong, if not stronger than ever. I love David with all my heart and some days he is my saviour and hero and other days, unfortunatly, we fight and have problems. We are human and fighting reminds us that we are both not prefect and that thoughts need to be communicated and figured out rather than ignored.
As for myself, I am reaching a new stage in my life and I can feel it on a much larger scale than I relised. I am looking for self satisfaction and happiness. I am trying to find myself more and more and I am determined to avoid falling in to a rut. I want to learn and discover more and new things about myself. New is scary but I think it is time that it happened. I can't handle just going through one day to the next never looking up and breathing. Winter is coming and I tend to close myself in and bury my head but this year I want to embrace every momment I can. I am getting stronger and I am defining myself more as I go on.
I struggle, in my head, about the directions that I want to take in life. I don't have regrets about the paths I have taken but I do wish I had more education. Something I never would have thought I would type. After all the craziness surrounding my life stops I want to take some kind of school and have a higher understanding of something more than understanding toddler babble. I am forever wishing that I had topics I could discuss with other people that they would want to hear about and not only about how much snot I pulled out of my baby's nose today.
I am trying to discover hidden talents and prefect the ones that I already know about. I have started making braclettes again and I am hoping to sell some of them on-line and see what direction that takes me off into. I am not expecting them to be a life altering success but it would feel good to make something that someone else deems good enough to buy and wear.
I will be making more braclettes after I get off this computer as it seems it is not the excape that it once was for me. I am finding that even on facebook and MSN that I am no longer getting a connection with anybody, not even those I was most close to. I am afraid I am shutting doors on some people but then again maybe it is them shutting the doors on me.

December 21 2012

This date is on my mind, it is said to be the end of life as we know it according to anicient Mayan culture and other sources many with scientific proof and predictions.
I am one of the believers that something is going to happen. I don't think it will end all human life but I do think that it will greatly lessen the population and that it will stop all technology from working. Technology has enabled us to stop being connected to the Earth, we thrive in basements, as I am now, typing worlds on to a screen. In truth it gets our words out there but after typing them they are....forgotten.

People need nature, and I am not talking about the nature found in your skin cream. I am talking about going outside, connection with your surroundings, actually feeling the grass, smelling the leaves and being human. Too many of us believe that life will come to us and that life is material things. We have turned off our consciencness and I for one want it back. I want to rely on instinct, improvise to make things better instead of running to the store to buy something to make it all better. I want a world where I can feel good about what I have done in a day and not be lazied by the ease of life. I want to be alive.

I think in some of us it is just like we have woken up for the first time. I think on Dec 21 2012 more people will wake up, ther brains will be shooked into existing and not just maintaning.
I may sound to some like a crazy person standing on the street corner telling all to fear the end but I am not...I don't think fear is the answer, I think fufillment is the answer.

Life right now is too easy and yet there are still people that find it hard, the funny thing is that in its ease it has stopped people from having insticts and having to fight to survive. Right now they can blame anything for their failure...and they only allow themselves to be rewarded for success.

All people need to be one with all the other people on the planet, that is the only way that we are ever really going to be whole. Wars fought over religion will not progress our culture, will not show others that we were here and that we were smart, and beautiful and that we were a people to be admired. I admire the Mayan culture for having the balls to be more than a people that sat around and let life just pass. They had imagination, determination, strenght, pride and they had brains. I think their culture is one to be respected and in my opinion if they say something big is going to happen then we need to listen and take notice and prepare. We can't prepare for what we can't know is coming but we can be open to suggestions and listen to our surroundings. We need to find it in ourselves that power to be human.... embrace instinct and be strong enough to survive more than just our work week.

Out of the corner of my third eye

I am posting twice in one night because my brain and finger can't be still. I have felt my momment of peace, of calm and of collection. I am not letting the situation get the best of me. I am free to chose my life and in doing so I make paths...I don't follow them.
I am glad a friend today opened my eyes and showed me that I am really lucky, too lucky to be so depressed and sad over things that I am in control over.
Tomorrow I will be strong, be fearless and be in control. I am not going to let change destract me from happiness and success.
I know where I don't want to be, I know what I want.
Songs have helped me tonight to. I know it sounds corny but sometime a song can save a life or a spirit. I started this night in a hole and now I am in the stars. I am never going to give up on myself. I am never going to sink into a puddle of gloom and give up and drown.
I will make things happen, I will be strong! I will do everything I need to do to make things better for my family!
I will never close my third eye, I don't think life will let me. Tomorrow I will make the most of today!
Be Strong!
My situation is changable, is flexable and is going to change.
Determined, fercious and focused!

Eyes Wide Open!

No clue which way the wind blows

11:36.....I am sitting here hyped up on caffine and wondering how much to post in here. I am struggling with a conflict that can enhance or destroy my life. I really don't have anyone to talk to about it because they all have their own agendas that affect the outcome of this.
My delema? Do I stay in this town for as long as I can and go back to the place I have been working at, or do I embrace a new path, full of the unknown and find a new home and job. I just don't know.


I wrote things

I deleted things

I am struggling and I don't even feel like this is an outlet for me at the momment.
What do I do...I wish I had someone to talk to about this............

In a pit

Just married, two beautiful girls, a house, a cat, food in the fridge....what more could I want.
Yet I feel ugly, empty, sad and well withdrawn.
I am happy with my life outside my body and mind but it seems inside I am a locked up lonely person with no chance of ever seeing the light. The wedding is over and the people I grew closest to because of the wedding have now vanished and don't seem to care. My anti-depressants have more than their usually share of gloominess to combat. I am in a place where adult conversation is never had, where playstation rules my grooms domain and where mommy is mommy and not allowed to be anyone else. I am locked in a palce where I can not be the person I want to be.
But how do I change this
How do I emerge from my cocoon and veiw the world full of hope, promise and light. How do I spread my wings. I have entered a new chapter in my life and this chapter I have npo mentor to fall nor peers to take up the same challenge. All my life I have had someone that was going through similar tasks and I could see my life in a clear way based on choices I made that they didn't. I could see that I was where I wanted to be. But now I am alone in ways that the midn can not comput.
I need to expand my mind, learn new things, have a goal, a plan, a destination that will benefit me and my family. Right now I have no motivation, no spice for life. But I can't do anything more with my life at the momment, I am a mother...that is enough to fill anyone's day.
Today we went to the mall, I dressed nice, I got puked on, yay! Brought a new vaccum.
I came home used new vaccum and then proceeded to sit at the computer and veiw people on facebook and then wonder which people would actually notice if I just disappeared. I feel like I am veiwing a world I am not part of and there is no way to become a part of it.

So now ladies and gentlemen, I am married. And to answer the question I know is burning on the tip of your tougue, yes it does feel didn't now. I feel more connected to David, I don't know if it is just because we now share the same last name or what but there is a definate difference on my end.
Everything to do with our wedding and honey moon was amasing! Not one single thing went wrong. I was amased by the love that surrounded our day and was more than relieved that there was no stress. I am so happy to be married now. It almost feels like that was the final step I needed to be transformed into the new me, the wife, the mother, the adult.
I often used to wonder as a child when that momment would be achieved, when I myself would veiw myself as an adult. Even after the birth of my children I still did not have the confidence to showcase myself as a grown up, it felt easier just to be sloppy and childlike to avoid failure. I feel like now I am wanting more out of myself. I want to know more, to learn more and to be...respected. I have reached and age of mentality that understands the more you know the more you can achieve. Achievement has never been a valued asset to me but as I age I am feeling a sense of engaged self worth.
I have taken my life into the pams of my hands. I am making better choices in regards to what I eat and how I spend my time. The past couple of months have been a blurr of activity and I liked it so now I am aiming to always have an action plan, a destination in mind. I am finding myself again it seems. I feel like I have finally let go of my past and now I can begin to understand my future and that I have the ability to greatly change things. I am now fighting the tide instead of just swimming with it.

Not in the mood anymore

Now I am not fucking around anymore. I think this is bullshit. I have been smiling andsays "yeah it is ok" for far to long. Sometime it is messed how your friends aren't there for you. Small things matter....get it. I am fucking pissed. Guess what I get that you all have your own lives but why the fuck would you agree to something if you couldn't handle it. This is a big thing for me.....for fuck sakes it is my wedding....one day in a fucking life time that is about ME and none of you give a shit..... oh wait that isn't true...one of you does... I just met her and she is already a better friend than the rest of you. I hate this, how long can I just smile and nod while you all don't give a shit. We don't even talk anymore...why even bother....
I am saying all of this in here because I can't say it to the people that really need to hear it... guess what, a wedding takes a huge amount of planning, most of which I have had no help with. Every aspect of this wedding has been a bust and I wish I had just left and eloped. The people that are supposed to be there for me and help me emotionally aren't there. What the fuck am I supposed to do. I guess the only thing is to pull myself together and do it dispite bullshit....

Two sides of one......me

Confusion flood my mind when I see pictures of myself.....I don't see myself the way I am protrayed in the pictures. I loathe the person in the pictures. I am huge, I am gross and I am my own worst enemy. Honestly how can I be so ugly? I try to put on a brave face and in the mornings of the day I put on my make-up and choose and re-choose my clothing and I look in the mirror and think "hey, maybe I am not so bad after all" and then I see photographic evidence to the opposite. I just want to delete everything. I hate myself in the pictures, I look at them and I cry. How did this happen, how did I get to this point and think that it was ok. The most important question is if I know I am so bad why don't I do something about it. God, I wish I could shove my fingers down my throut and puke up all the things that make me this huge blimp. I want to take a knife and cut away all the fat. So many self deprived things come to me in these momments of self defeat.
I once said that I am ok with myself the way I am....I was delusional. I hate my body, I hate my face, I hate every single thing to do with my image. I pray for strength to change, I pray for determined will to never accept this bloated version of myself. This person that appears in my place in pictures needs to fade away and never ever return and will at all costs....

Here comes the bride....

Ahhhh.... only a month until my wedding, there is so much to do and so much that is not done. I am forever planning and re-planning and thinking and trying to envision everything that is to be done to make my day mine. I have given up on the tradition veiws and sentiments....roughly because those are costly and simply unnecessary. I am not here to please anyone else or make my wedding the one that is talked about for it's beauty, grace, traditionalism or elegance. Those words do not apply to me in any form and in my opinion they should not apply to the day I give myself to the man of my dreams. I float on clouds of happiness and bliss and exileration and to me that is what should be protrayed.
I think people lose track of what the wedding means. I am not one of those people and I hope that is not just because I can't afford to be. I have never been about the physical elements of life and I don't want to be consumed by them in this joining of spirits.
I do feel like a dark cloud is looming over this whole process though. I honestly have to say if it wasn't for money already invested that we would just elope. It seems I have suffered a falling out with a family member. I say it seems as I have not had contact with this person and that is not because I have not tried. I said things that were true and needed to be said and it seems those things were to hard to hear. I didn't mean to offend but if I have I can't say that I am sorry. I have nothing to appolgise for. This person was not even going to be at my wedding because in my eyes I am not as important to him as I should have been. I have been loved by this person yes, but never directly cared for. As a member of my family I honestly know nothing about this person. I know more about people whose names I cannot remember. I have lost out in a monetary sense as a result of this falling out but that is not important to me. actually now that I sit here and think I am really not upset about the situation at all....because this falling out has really not changed a damn thing in my life. My wedding has been affected but only to a slight and small degree. I am upset however that this person would not ever have the respect to talk to me about his decision to exclude himself from my life. I have tried on numerous occasions to contact this person and he would not even acknowlegde the fact that I have. I believe from this persons actions that he is either unable to stand up to me in such a way...or that I just don't matter to him either. So be it. He doesn't care enough to be there for the one day in my life when it is expected that he would and he doesn't care enough to attempt to salvage a relationship with me then honestly I am don't need that person to be involved with me. I have more than survived without his help. Must be nice to be able to detach yourself from responisibilty.
Family is such a hard thing to understand. If you could chose your family I think everyone would be alone in the world. It is so hard to find a light, a beacon of hope, help and understanding. Only a true parent can be that beacon and grow and learn and bend with one another. I feel I have been left out and letdown by one but I was luck enough to find a new beacon that shone even brighter. Not many are so lucky.
I have love, support and understanding from two of the best parents in the world. Growing up I never thought that, but it is amasing how becoming a mother makes the past so much clearer. There have been things that I have gone through were only my parents were there to hold me and get me through the pain and the darkness. Only 2 people truely understand. I want to thank my mom and my adopted dad from making me the person I am today, for building me a strong foundation out of stones and heartaches and tough times that always got better. Thank you for showing me that I am worth it to them. I love you. Goodnight. Sleep tight.

Needed: Eyes on the Back of my Head....

I honestly think that mom's require eyes on the back of their head's....it is the only way to keep up oh and maybe and extra set of hands while we are at it. Needless to say my day has been hectic. I am getting a little frusterated with my fiance. This is nothing new but lately it is more apparent because I finally have the entire house clean. a feat that should be rewarded with a medal and a million dollar cheque. This feat is near impossible and I made it happen.
But now the hard part comes clear....keeping it that way. Oddly enough it is not the 2 year old that is the main problem. It is David. I have never noticed how much I clean up after him until now. I knew he was getting spoiled with my....constant maintainance but lately it is crazy.
It is like having a third child. I am venting and I know this article is not going to come off good, but I need to get this all out and he is the best place, it doesn't hurt anyone.
He is lazy, unhelpful, sarcastic, childish, immature and just a pain in the ass. I don't think taking items out to the blue box is hard, or putting his shoes in the closet or his socks in the laundry basket. These little things add up and they happen constantly. Anything that has to be done with the children is a chore and most times adds up to an eye roll, sigh and then if I am lucky he gets up and does what needs to be done. It is hard! I wish that when the baby is crying or Sara needs a diaper change that he would just do it instead of wait to see if I will do it or mention it. I just don't know how he can be so...irresponisble. I hate his playstation with a passion!!! Originally I was jealous of the machine because it got the most and the better part of his time and now I simply hate it because it has prioriety over soooo many things, not to mention it is in the center of our living room and heaven forbide I have to pass in front of it to get to the children or something else imporant. I have to let him know I need to pass and wait until it is convient for me to pass. I want to smash the playstation to little tiny bits and then burn those bits and throw the ashes in the toilet and flush them! Stupid ass machine.
I am....stuck.........

Lonely

I will warn that this post tonight will contain sexual content that not all readers will want to know. I don't think too many people read this so I am not worried. I basically need someone to talk to so I will type to the abyss tonight about my pain.

My relationship with my fiance is not typical. In most depicted relationships the man is one with the high sexual drive. That is not the case in my relationship and this is slowly tearing me apart. I don't know what to do. My man would rather plan video games, watch movies...even cartoons that be intimate with me. It isn't to say that he doesn't want to have sex with me at all...it just has to be on his terms and on his timeline. He always says that he has no time, that he has to sleep so he can go to work rested. My needs get pushed away as if they don't matter. The past two days I have been practically begging for it only to be tured down. I am sick of it!!! I tried everything I could think of to get him to want me in that way....wore the clothes he likes, did my hair the way he likes, make-up the whole deal and still got turned away.
I am done with this. I am not going to try and try to get him to want me. I am finished. I hate how I can feel so good and he can just......wreck me this way. I am crying and I hate crying. I am so sick of this, it makes me feel like shit, like I am not worthy of him and that I should have to beg and plead and be happy with whatever I get. NOOOO...
Can I do this
Can I be in a relationship where my needs are not.........respected. I don't know sometimes, I really don't. Tonight I just want to go in there, rip open and scream. If I am not good enough for you then fine go find someone like you that doesn't care about making love. I want to make him feel as small as he has made me feel tonight. I want to....feel like I matter....
But instead I sit in a corner and type to the world, a world that can't fix my problems....only he can and he won't....
I'm done

Image

I am staring at an old photo of myself tonight and in it I am young and hot and attractive. I had a firm body with little body fat, perky little boobs that I always wished were bigger. I thought I was fat, I weighed 120lbs and I told myself everyday that I was a fat pig.
Now when I look in the mirror I am puzzled as to what I should think of myself. I have an endless supply of dislikes when it comes to the person I see staring back. I have belly fat leftover from carrying my children, no part of me is nearly as skinny as I once was. But here is the odd thing.....
I don't look at myself with disgust.
Back in this picture I couldn't look at my body without finding faults...defects...imperfections and ugliness....and I would kill to look that way now. Yet with this imprefect body I now have, I am not unhappy. Yes I can't wear the clothing I once could, I struggle to find clothes that compliment. But I am happy with me. For me this is a big thing.
I have always been a private person when it comes to things that I consider weakness. Never ever would I confess how awful I was to myself in order to try and impress members of the opposite sex. I based so much on getting attention from certain guys back in high school. Now I look back and I can't help but laugh at my feeble attempts to find santuary. In essence santuary at that time for me was having someone "love" me or at least be attached to me. It meant so much when I had a "boyfriend". I use these terms loosely as back then holding hands and kissing was a major step in a relationship. I put myself down so much just to seek out...acceptance.
I don't know who I was trying to be in the past. I don't know what I wanted to achieve with my attempts to attract guys to my side, but it felt like it meant everything.
Now.... I am loved, truely loved. Maybe that is the difference. Real love means acceptance of each other fully and without reservation. I am completely commited to my man because our love is not shallow or self centered or greedy. I do for him more so than I do for myself because I want to. Everything I am is based on real true lasting love, not air filled, cotton candy dreams and crushes. Reality in life allows for reality in oneself

Beauty.....

The smallest things in life are amasing. One of my best friends gave birth yesterday to a little girl. Seeing that little tiny baby just made me realize how big my little baby is now. It is amasing how quickly babies grow. It is hard to just sit back and capture the momment sometimes. It just amases me!
I have been feeling like I have a little more energy lately. I was able to complete a lot of things that I have been wanting to. Sara is with my mom for a little while and it gives me time to hang out with my little Makayla. I love watching her play and laugh and just be a little person. She has been really grumpy lately and it is really trying David and I. There are days when I would give anything for her to just be happy. Some days nothing at all works at it makes me crazy. I have to sit back and just let her get it out of her system and I just have to remember to breath. It is hard, I will not pretend I am a put together mom that can handle it all the time. She has developed this stage where she can not be held by any other woman. Sometime she will it with a guy for a little while before getting aggitated. But she will not even look at another woman other than her mommy, not even grandma. It is hard when your child is so demanding.
Hmmmm....where else am I in life?.... I am planning like crazy for the Buck and Doe. I think it will be a blast if I can get people in the door. I am really excited for it!

Nothing else is going on in my life right now. I am a full blow domesticated mommy and I am really understanding that being a mommy means so much in so many ways! I love my babies and my superman! Kiss!

2 1/2 year old drama queen

Being a mom is hard. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done. It is funny how when you get pregnant, at least I did this, woman seem to think about all the baby things..the good things. We never think about the crying fits, the throwing things, the bed time drama....basically toddlerhood in a nut shell.

Tonight has been tough, Sara is crazy. I am worried I am not raising her right. There is a fine line between too little punishment and too much and I am trying to be an... understanding mom with out being too soft. I don't want daddy to always be the punishment giver and therefore the bad guy but sometime I feel I am at a lose. I don't know how to make her understand...it will just take time. I have tried to be forceful and control the situation but how do you do that. How as a parent do you stay the one in control instead of the demon hell child that wants to hip things at your head and scream at you whenever they don't get their way. I am a believer in time out and I do not believe in spankings. I do use them as a last resort, but not in pain, just to get attention. Sometimes nothing works and I just have to put her on her bed and close the door and walk away. I have shed many tears because of situations that seem out of control. I hate disaplining but I know it is the only way she is going to learn how to behave properly.

I have tried to de-stress a bit today. I went for a power walk tonight in my efforts to battle the bulge for my wedding dress. I also had my hair and makeup pretrail today and I am now very excited about all of that. Tonight though, it just doesn't seem all that exciting to rite about. I am feeling a little lonely tonight. Other than this computer screen I don't have anyone to talk about the crazy toddler-ness with...no one would understand....
Good night

Reality...

I have realized why I created this blog....it is better to type and talk to myself than to not talk or type at all. I am lonely. David and I won't see each other much today as he has a lot of work tonight and needs to sleep all day to prep for it. I will not see or speak to another adult today. It is hard when the only person to hear your voice is a two year old who is rebelling.
I am not in a great state of mind today. I just don't feel happy. I am cold, I can't warm up no matter how many sweaters I wear. I fear I am getting sick. Being sick with children is the hardest thing in the world. You still have to operate no mattter what. I have my fiance for help but he has to work, he has to bring in the money so I have to do my job and suck it up. I have no energy, I feel exhausted like I haven't slept in days. Nights have been rough lately as Makayla isn't sleeping through anymore.
I am worried about my mental state. I have just been discharged from my therapist but I almost wish that I hadn't been. I don't feel better, or happy....but I think I have fooled the doctors which is exactly what I wanted to do. But maybe it is just the rough patch I am in with Sara. I am trying to be more assertive with her as I feel she is starting to be in control when it should be me that is in control. She hits, kicks, doesn't listen....just rebells and it is deficult to deal with. We use time out as our method of disapline. If she does something bad she goes on the time out chair for 2 minutes, if she constantly screams or doesn't stay on her time out chair she gets addition minutes. If it something very bad like hitting or throwing things then she goes to her bed for time out. Afterwards she must say she is sorry and what she is sorry for and apologise to the person injured by her. It seems to work most times but today it feels like she is living on time out....and that is emotionally exhausting for me.
I feel like I desperatly need a break but I can't have one. Makayla must be with me at all times. To leave her with any family will simply not work. She will scream and scream until she falls asleep. It is so hard.
...........................

Here comes the bride...

Smiles...big beautiful smiles... that is what a wedding is to me and that is what I do everytime I think of that momment when I walk down the aisle to my glowing fiance. That is my momment. It is going to be amasing!

For those reading this, that will be attending our wedding, I will warn that wedding spoilers will more than likely be in this blog.

I am on a wedding high this week. I have ordered my wedding dress!! That makes this so much more real for me! I can't wait to get it and put it on and know that it is mine! I love my dress and I can't wait for David to see me in it.

I think I have everything under control as far as planning is conserned. The officiant, the ceremony, the reception, the dj, the dress, and everything else. Planning is amasing and challenging all at the sametime. I know it will be amasing no matter what because I am marrying the man of my dreams. I knew the first time that I met him that I would marry him. Something just clicked in me. We just fit together so easily. I hope he knows just how much he means to me!

I am just smiling, sitting her imagining my day. Everything will be beautiful....smile!

Insert title here - owsokjdo

Grumpy! That is about it...I am grumpy. I don't really have a reason to be but I am. Well I have a sort of reason. One of my bridesmaids will not be able to be at my wedding due to a commitment that she cannot get out of and I completely understand and I have no resentment at all towards my girl... I love her to death!
My predicament is who do I put in her place. I do have two options....and one is more of an option than the other but is it fair to ask someone to be a bridesmaid when the wedding is 4 months away and most of the planning is done??? She would have to buy her dress and all that...I mean this girl is definatly a close friend and all. I guess the only thing to do is ask and hope that I don't sound.....unreasonable....poop

Nail polish is pissing me off too, I mean seriously...how hard is it to paint your nails? To me it might as well be rocket science. Grrrr...frusteration comes easily tonight

In this post I plan to unleash allof my self loathing and recent self defeat and confliction. I am not happy with me....not emotionally....definatly not physically...just no happiness right now when it comes to me. I should be glowing...I have children, I am getting married, I am on anti-depressants....however, not so happy...
I am eatting again...a lot and not healthy. Grandma sent me home with 800 freaking cookies....ummm, wedding dress thank you very much! I am sarcastic tonight and sarcasism doesn't compute well. I wish I had the will power to stick my finger down my throut...or just stop eatting. I wish I could flick a switch "Food - Off" and be done with it...be a size 2 in 4 months and all the world would dance in merriment because we all know happiness depends on the scales numbers. Gosh I am a pessimist tonight. But hey, this is my blog..tough
I feel like...it's my birthday and someone shit on my cake...not a good feeling but once the day has past at least you have a funny story to tell. I feel like I am borderline psycho bitch that looks herself in a room and draws pictures on the walls in red crayon....actually...that sounds quite fun....
I am glad I have this momment to myself...away from everyone. It feels like I have not been by myself in weeks and honestly I don't think I have. I have been visiting family and when I am there my baby shares a room with us, so I have literally been at least 4 days with a child with my for all hours up until these last twoo hours. Maybe I am coming down from an overflow of bad cartoons...
I am going crazy....I think it would be best if I just gave up and went to bed...night world...

A little down time...whew!

Today I am busy! Tomorrow morning at 8:00 sharp we are leaving to go to Sudbury to seemy family. Going to Sudbury used to mean throwing a few things in a suitcase and heading out the door. Now with two kids it means planning and packing the entire day before going. Whew! It is only 3:00 and I am pooped. The kids are napping so I am taking a momment to stop.
I had caffine today for the first time in a while and let me tell you it is packing a punch. I feel really good today.
I have been thinking a lot about things lately and I really feel like I have came out of the darkness with my post pardem depression. It has been hard but I finally feel like I can handle the situations that I have in my day to day living. Everything seemed so impossible before and now it is a little bit easier. Well, about as easy as it can be with too small children. I am really very glad that I go help with it because now I see how bad it was. I didn't feel rational. Now we I have a problem I am not afraid to conquer and stand up to the problem rather than being side swiped. I am not saying that I am Martha Stewart and I have become a domesticated goddess that can handle anything. I just feel like I am getting used to my own skin.
I am getting back into the wedding planning mood which is good because there is only 4 months left. I need to have a meeting with all of my bridesmaids and get some help! I feel like there is just so much to do and not much time to pull it all together. My biggest consern is that I need a DJ for the wedding and many are booking up quickly. I hope I can find one!
I must get back to my housewife life and get laundry folded and put away, things are so much easier when the girls are napping!!

Love
T

So Simply Complex...

Life is always a surprise, if it wasn't what would be the point. Tonight I am sitting in the basement of my house and staring out the window high above me. Basements tend to creep me out as if demons and ghosts and monsters dwell in such places.
I cleaned this room tonight. It is an office/ children's playroom so you can imagine the mess. I cleaned and pondered life as I do whenever a mindless task needs to be completed. I thought of the past and of the future and of life in between.
Today is my fiance's 27th birthday and for some reason to me 27 seems like such a big number. I am 23 and at times that astounds me. How did I get here? I remember back in my youth I always imagined my 20's as soome exotic unreachable destination. I feel wise beyond my years in ways.
I have nothing to say tonight. I am typing hoping that I will come up with something worth typing but nothing tonight.
I do have things that are bothering me that conserns family but I don't think it would be smart of me to talk about such things here. You never know who might be on the other side of the screen. All I will say is that I feel an apology is owed and I know because of the "values" of this person that one will not be granted. Things were said that should not have been said and yes actions were taking that should not have been, but in the end this all needs to come to an end. Family is supposed to think beyond and try to solve problems, not make them harder. For once, and I stand by him 100% David is NOT backing down because of being guilted into it. The situation was childish and all because of a simple miscommunication. Enough Said.

Mommy Me! <3

I have never lost sight of the fact that my life is amasing, but sometime the view is foggy... but tonight it is nice and clear. I have two wonderful baby girls. Today Sara (my two and a half year old) painted together for the first time. She and I both loved it! Yes it was messy but it isn't fun unless it is messy. I stopped and looked at her little face all covered in paint and I felt like I was glowing. There is this feeling that comes with motherhood, it is undescribable. It is like a higher type of love that surpasses anything.
My youngest, Makayla is 4 months and she can not roll from front to back and from back to front. She is getting so big already and it makes me both happy and sad. She is a relly happy baby most of the time unless there is something she wants and mommy or daddy can't figure out what it is.
I have choosen a path that a lot of people haven't. I am 23 years old and I already have 2 children. The thing that makes this right for me is I am happy. I love this life and I feel full. I never knew there was this type of joy. When my girls laugh I feel like my heart is going to explode with love. Sure there are times when it is all I can do not to scream but no road is ever completely easy or else what would be the point. The smiling faces of my children and fiance are the most precious things in the world to me and I don't know how I would cope with out them.
I feel like the time when I was single and living at home was a life time ago. Things back then were not great for me and there are things in my past that pain me to think about. I lived a very protected life. My mother was battling things that I didn't know about and this made her seem harsh at times and there are events that are still vivid in my mind in negetive ways. I do feel like I am lacking in some ways do to my sheltered life. I have never been on my own. I went straight from my mother's house and into my comitted relationship with my fiance. I have never done drugs of any kind and this is something that at one time I was afraid to admit because I felt it somehow made me week or weird. I know nothing of the world of people that have struggled with addiction and that is something that I am very proud of. There are good things with being so protected, things like never having to worry about things like STD's because of randomn sex, never being in a situation that I didn't want to be and never having to worry about never finding someone to share my life with. It is like it has all been handed to me so there are definatly more good things than bad. I just worry about the future...am I going to be able to relate to my children or even give advice when I haven't been in this situations. I have a hard time just giving my friends relationship advice because I have never had to make the choices that they have had to make. I was lucky. I moved in with my fiance after only knowing him for three months and it worked out. I had actually found the man that I wanted to be with for the rest of my life. I look back and I think maybe I was foolish but sometimes foolish decisions take you in the right direction.
I thank god almost every day for the blessing that I have. I am not a religious person but I feel like my luck is a result of something beyond my understanding. I thank him for showing me unmovable love and affection and for my girls that keep my heart filled and my head strong.
Thank you god for....everything

Oh to be a Firefly....

My mind is strange tonight. I honestly can't tell what I am feeling. My head is strangled with thoughts of happy things, of love, of hope and joy...but there is another feeling of saddness and panic and sorrow.
Someone very close to me is ill, but no one can tell us yet with what. Not many people know about what this person is going through so I will not make it outright here but just know this...it isn't good. I am scared, I know I will fall apart without this person. I will be forced to be a grown up. I know this sounds odd since I am a mother of two and deeply thought of as an adult. But having children has a way of making you feel young and untouchable. Dead and sickness force you to be....older. I am in tears with worry and I can't talk to anyone about it because this is what this person wishes for. There are other people that will be deeply affected by the news and worry is not the desire. I am trying so so so hard to be strong and positive but this diease is affecting one of the people that helps me to be strong. I am crumbling much the way an old building does of time. One day I will just collapse in a fit of emotion and pray that no one is in the destruction.
How can I smile and be happy and plan a wedding when someone I love is in both emotional and physical pain. She has been given no answers, has taken so many tests and has yet to get an appointment for a specialist. How can a person be allowed to live in such limbo. So many things cross my mind...what if because everything is taking so long to figure out by the time something is determined that it is too late. What if she dies? Tears and rage fill me because there is NOTHING I can do!!! I sit and I stare and I talk to her about everything just to fill up the quiet spaces because in those spaces the worry dwells. I atleast need a name of a diease so I can direct my anger and freight....how can this be happing.......
What do I do
There is a person that should care to know about this and in a different family that person would be there to help me get through it and be scared and worried himself. That person doesn't know because I don't think that person would care and that would tear a whole in my heart and in the heart of the sick one. I am angry at him because he SHOULD care..............after everything he should see that the past doesn't matter.....life...the future...that matters and is important.....
Just the thought of him has turned me to rage! I hate him... I will admit that. But not because of the past but because he never let the past die and for that there has been suffering that he has never ever understood. I hate him I hate him I hate him I have never hated anyone....but I hate him.........
I can't walk away from the screen with this anger. I have a family to care for and be there for and I do not need some worthless piece of shit to control my emotion when he doesn't even know he is.
As I said above...I don't know what to feel....I wish I could close my eyes and then open them and everything would be better...Fairy tales and Day dreams do come true but I have never seen this demon be defeated in any book.

Rain

I love rainy nights when the world is quiet. It is almost like everything is waiting to wake up and breath. Much like myself. I am on this journey and I think writing about it is helping me to become the person I really want to be. I feel like I can be more. I want to do something to better myself, to make me someone that the girls can look up too. I am not sure what yet and I have no idea how to accomplish something like this, but for the first time, this is something I want to do.
I went to college for a year and didn't fit in. Partialy due to an overbearing mother and because I never quite felt like I fit in. I didn't know what I was looking for, but I doubt it was an education. Since then I have fallen victim to the winds and I have not made anything happen for myself, everything I have was simply the way that it was. Now life means more than just being there. I want to be someone.....in charge of my own destiny.
I don't know what to do..take a course...take a class....I don't know. I think my first step is going to be to check out the library here in my town to see what is available there. I don't drive so things need to be in close proximity to me. I think if the weather is nice tomorrow that I will check it out.
I think I want to find something physical to do. I would love to take a fitness class or dance class and so far I have found one dance hall close to me. I think I will check that out too. Tomorrow I am going to try and get away from the kids for a little while and go for a walk by myself and investigate. It is time I broke out of this box known as my house.
So I end tonight with motivation and aspirations to make myself better and stronger. To look into the future and see a change controlled by ME and not just the flow of events. I am in control of my destiny!

Night time Ramblings...

Life.....whew....is constant craziness...

Today was typical. I got up at 8:30 and let David, my fiance sleep in. We take turns as it is a rare luxury. I got up, changed 2 diapers, made a bottle for Makayla (almost 4 months old) and Rice Crispies for Sara (2 1/2 years old). I feed the baby, turned on the cartoons and then proceeded to attempt to find kitchen under all the dirty dishes. Heaven forbide someone showed up unexpected...I don't think I would answer the door. Around this time I long for a nice hot coffee but I never manage to get any made. 10:00am hits and it is time for two more diaper changes, at least the kids have syncronized their bladders. Amidst all the clutter, screams, laughs, tears and smiles fill the air and I stop to breath...sometimes I forget and I start grinding my teeth much to the disappointment of my dentist.
11:00 hits and I decide that David has slept enough. He gets up and we take the girls for a walk and find out that there is no where in town that carries size one diapers....really pissed me off because now we have to use gas to go to the next town over to get diapers..not fun.
All in all the rest of the day was uneventful, made lunch, girls had a nap, I had a nap....cooked dinner, bathed the girls and then they went to bed and now here I sit typing.

Now I sit here and try to fill blank space and hope that something insightful comes to mind. I am also trying to plan my Buck and Doe to be a success. I am not the kind of person that can "plan" things. I enjoy planning but I hate the disappointment when it comes to the event and not as many people showup as I was hoping for. Orginally I was not planning on having a Vuck and Doe but we got the hall for free with our booking for the reception. Our theme is Luau and I know that it will be a blast if people walk through the door. I have been known to over plan events and attempt to think of every little thing only for the bigger details to fall through. I feel like I have to meet other people standards. I have always been the girl that enjoys playing the games, enjoying life and the momment. How do I plan a party for people that are viewed as "classy" I always feel as if my parties are "beneath" some people. I don't want to fit into someone elses shoes or opinions but that happens. Everytime an idea come to mind I find myslef thinking "Would so and so do this or like this" and I either accept based on that and not my own thought on the idea. It is exhausting trying to be everyone to everyone!

Blah...I don't want to be put in a box or on a pedestal. Now my mind has wandered to something that was said to me the other day while shopping..."That shirt is so you!...It has mommy written all over it." Ummmmmmm sorry...yes I am a mother, but I would still like to look cute, or sexy or anthing other that functional and frumpy as I consider a lot of "mommy clothes." I know this statement was not meant to be mean and I know that I am blowing it way out of proportion but it stung.

Mind changes again.....I am struggling with my weight...I am heavy...not fat pre say...but definatly not skinny. I have a friend that is so worried about my weight even more so than I am and that bothers me. I mean seriously I will not die if I don't loose more weight by my wedding. She makes it sound like it should be my only consern in the world. It is tooooo much pressure. I am just starting to come to grips with my body as I had a baby 4 months ago. This pregnancy I didn't gain any weight but I gained 60lbs with my first that is still around. Yes I would love to lose some or all of it but I am not going to make myself miserable or sick over it. I think there are more important things in life like having fun with my girls and having them see that I can be happy with myself the way I am. I don't need them seeing a stressed out mother that loathes herself because she doesn't look like the cover of a magazine. I want my girls to have a healthy, realistic view of how a woman's body looks and the amasing things that a woman's body can do. Beauty is everywhere and being real and happy are so important. This is something that it has literally taken years and years to get through my head. even when I was in highschool and only 120lbs I thought I was fat and attempted to hide my body whenever I could. I hated everything about myself and wished I was someone else. Acceptance in one's self is so important to be happy. I don't there is a woman alive that doesn't have parts of her that she doesn't like, but have you ever stopped to think of why that is.... We are the way we are supposed to be and to me that is sexy and cute and just beautiful. This blog is a journey of me figuring out who I am.... and tonight....and for ever I will be real!

Goodnight world!

Sun from behind the Cloud

Inspiration is an amasing thing... it can strike in a place that you never ever thought it would. My inspiration today came from an old friend who read what I have written and understood. She is in a different place in her life but still sometimes words can bridge the gap. Today I smiled and shed happy tears at the words she said. Thank you.

I am happy, actually glowing today. I know I am blessed. The sound of my children flows through the air and I am thrilled. I think it is imporant to step back sometimes and really look at everything that is good. The most amasing thing in the world is when my little angel turns to me and says "I love you Mommy." At that exact momment nothing else matters...just my little loves!!

Watching my 3 month old kick, smile and just grow is gorgous....just the way she looks at me is enough to inspire me to be a better person. I feel strong and just beautiful.

Today is great.... and I hope that every person out there that is having a hard day gets a momment of rest and inspiration!

Cheers
T

Love

Love.....what is it.....where does it come from and how did I find it?

These questions invade my mind and questions of uncertainity follow them. Not uncertain am I of the fact that I have found love, but I am of how love is kept. For 6 years years I have been inlove and I remain so... deeply in love with the one person that can make me smile, that I can cry in front of and that holds me when that is the only thing in the world to do. I am going to marry this man and unlike many these days, we will succeed in this marriage.

Marriage is a very confusing thing. Any task that you have at hand in life people encourage you to focus on the good, on the positive....yet with marriage, any young couple that states that they will be together forever is met with rolling eyes and a forboding smirk as if to say "yeah right..." It pains me greatly to see suffering in so many people and today divorce and seperation is a money making business that latches on to desperation.

I worry though, am I the crazy one that thinks marriage is still worthwhile and special. I look at my family and not one person is still with the person they married the first time,or had children with. Am I crazy to believe that MY marriage will be the one that lasts.

To be married there is the impossible task of the wedding, which needless to say is not about the bride and groom and their happiness...it is about proving yourself. A bride must plan the prefect party in order to impress and be hailed as a "success" I dont care about napkins, and chair covers and what dinner we will have and if the dj has been in the businessfor 50years....I JUST WANT TO MARRY THE MAN I LOVE! This task is especially challenging when there is a lack of funds as prevails all most everyone these days...

I sit tonight in a state of.....isolation and defeat... In more ways than one I feel like I have been run over by a truck and no one cares... except for my love. I worry though, is it fair to him to place all my needs and wants and suffering on his shoulders when I know he has many to bear himself. I feel guilty placing my problems in his direction, like I am placing what should be held by many on to just his shoulders. I don't have many close friends and the ones I do have aren't in my standing... and I don't mean social. I have children so naturally I have the mindset of responisiblity and planning. My friends are younger and tend to attempt to act older but in the end immaturity prevails. I morn for my lost youth but I try not to dewl on it as the future must over come the past.

I know I am one of a kind and that makes life hard. I sometimes wonder about the paths I have choosen. I don't have regrets however, just lingering wonderings. Right now I am trying to find my place, my role. I am a mother...but also a woman. Things have changed greatly with my birth into maother hood and I am still adjusting to the light that has be shed on those changes. Motherhood is not just about the birth of your children...it is a new identity that is completely different from anything that has been done up until that point. The momment your baby crown in the light for the first time everything in the past is done....you are now....changed.

Imagine being a insect all your life. You crawl, eat, sleep like an insect. You live life and never miss a thing. And then...suddenly..you grown wings and you lift off the ground. The life you had before is now regarded with bordom....now you can see things you have never seen, feel things you have never felt.....you can be more than you ever were....That is what it means to become a mother....

Too Much LIFE

Today is hard.
I don't know how to describe how I feel other than to say that my body feels too tight. My brain is set on overdrive and I am out of gas. I hate this....so much and I just want it to end.
My medication is making me worse more than it is making me better. I want to cry....and never stop.
I feel like no one in the world is going through what I am going through and no one can understand because they are not where I am. My friends say they are there for me but when I am at my breaking point no one is around. I am alone...not good alone...but utterly alone in emotion. I am cut off in my mind from anyone and everyone and it makes me sad. I want to curl up in a ball and cry until I can't cry anymore.
I need to be away from everyone especially my kids for one day, just one day. I can't do this anymore. I am struggling to keep a smile on my face through this pain inside. But what can I do, I am a mommy, I have to cope no matter what. Mommy cares for all, no one takes care of her. I need to escape in ways I have never felt before. I wish I could escape from myself.
This has been the hardest thing I have ever gone through in my life. Admiting I had post pardem depression was easy, not finding the right medication is killing me. Since I started these pills I have not felt like me....I feel like I am in a cloud. So far I have tried 30mg of Cymbalta....then 60mg.... then back to 30mg and now I am on a completely different pill......oh god I want to scream...
Tonight I am done....I am crying...

The beginning

Today I created this blog, not sure of the reason or the real need but it has been created none the less. My brain is a muddled mess of things that to most seem randomn and uneventful, but in today's world beauty can be found in the stangest of all places.

Today I show the world that there is more behind my eyes than just a reflection. I am a 23 year old mother of two girls. I am engaged to be married in the fall. These two points consume my days and my thoughts so they will consume this blog as well.

Currently, I am sitting here with my cat Romeo at my feet and the sound of my fiance playing Mortal Kombat invading the air. I am not a fan of his playstation as it consumes a great deal of his time and it times it fills me with an irrational jealousy.

Tonight is quiet. My girls are asleep. Now is the only time in the day when I can breath, and sit and relax. The only time where my head and thoughts are my own. I am a mother and this amases me. It isn't that I never thought I would have a little one calling my mommy, it is the realisation that I have done something with my life. I have made a little person. I have not accomplished a lot with my life...not in society's sense anyway. I don't make a great deal of money, nor have many possesions there for in the eyes of those of "importance" I am not of worth. In my eyes, the only ones that matter to me, I am amasing.....I have given birth! In this effort I have given up things that society finds valuable such as my youth, my figure and my independence. In the end those are sacrafices I would gladly make again to be in the position that I am in. In my eyes I have more than most.....Love.

As I said above my mind is a confusing and sometimes strange place. I have come to see that I, like most people, wear a mask. This mask is to protect me from looking foolish. Society has set rules and ALL must abide by them. These sets of rules mean things like one cannot do anything that someone else wouldn't do. I have become a pawn in this game of rules and I feel compelled to bury my head rather than be seen looking foolish. Being a mother means I have to "appear" put together. I must look, and act the part. A mother isn't supposed to be reckless, foolish, clumsy, messy.....I, however fit these descriptions well. The birth of motherhood is also the birth of confusion in oneself. One question resonates deeply in my mind....How can I be ME...