Kinda lost.

I am not sure but tonight I am just in a hard place. I feel like I am not on top of my game. Today was a hard day and it is late and maybe that is why I don't feel....confident.

Why does it feel like I have to be entertainment to a man to be confident in myself. David very rarely has any compliments for me and it is as if I need those compliments to be anything, since they are not coming from my husband I need them to come from someone and tonight and for the past couple of days they have not come at all.

J has a girlfriend. He seems really happy and it kills me in a way but I knew it had to come at some point. It was a matter of shit or get off the pot. I am happy with David to the extent that I won't leave so J was not mine to keep. Such is life.

There is another in my mind set, he is double my age and that is essential part of the appeal, you see it is the difference between a boy and a man. He is just using me, but I am using him too. At one point in my life I had tto stop contact with him because I was too attached. He was becoming to important to me, to my daily life. I am in a better place now, I know how to place the game, I know my role and I know his. I like the way I feel on the days I talk to him, I like the energy he provides me with and the sparkle he ignites in a place in my sole that D can not get to.

The night is old and to sleep I must go. For the day tomorrow will be of importance. Tomorrow I have to find a way to shine without my sparke.

Truth - Prefection

I am happy with life as of late but I am not sure I would be if I didn't have my vices. In this corner I have a few that follow my lead and are there when my tendancies creep up. I have done things that give me the complex of badass, I have done things that would make many blush. I have done things so many would find wrong. I am powerful on days like this because of those things. I can't make your "get it" you can't because you don't live my brain.

My vices keep me stimulated, they keep me hard and they keep my smiling. In this world I am the queen althought it is not said. Many would find this lifestyle unsatisifying. I find it to be bliss. I have it all. I have the conversation, the edge, the professional, the love, the truth, the light and the erotic. Charmed in the life of this I am.

This world hangs by a thread and I guess that is essentially what makes me love it so much.  I have my pick of the litter in a sense but if I ever did chose one then everything would fall apart. By not chosing I live the life I chose.

It has become clear that love is about chosing what is shown and what isn't. I have learned that I am not going to be fullfilled in every sence by one path. I am to wild for the normal and even though I must appear calm, cool, collected and tame in the eyes of the world I am not in the hidden world I have.

I have the minds of a group. I have the world in my hand and I couldn't be myself without this. I can't even imagine life in any other sense. I need too much. In this world of prefection I will admit that I am not a woman of one and thus the world cringes and looks at me with distain. But I am me, I may be wrong but in the world of fakes I am the fakest one and queen.

Not sure I know him

I am starting to think that no man in my life right now is the "right" man. Maybe that is because I am not dealing with men but with boys. I don't know. I just feel like between the games and the mind games that I am just not really getting what I really want. I know I took vows and the man I am married to is supposed to be the one that is right but I feel like I am turning into a person I don't want to be because of him. I am finding the only way to just be me is to not think about his prospective in every matter. I am finding myself and I am finding that I am NOT the person he is trying to make me into. I have stopped relying on him for anything except rides to and from work. I go home fully prepared to do what needs to be done and not expect help. I go home, play with my babies, crank the music and be free. I clean my house I do everything as if I was a single woman. I will admit my eyes are open and looking for the potiential of a better future, no matter how that pans out. I need to be true to myself and I think the only way to do that is to just do me....
I have been burned by every man...I let my husband crush my spirit, my life and control my mind and now.....he isn't anymore. I am not as close with him but I am closer with me and that is what is most important.  Scars are ther but they don't matter....they are just battle wounds that shape me into beautiful. Thatr's right......BEAUTIFUL...I am beautiful. Some how some day I will be able to say that and not feel like I am going to cry. I don't know why it does that to me every time but it does. But not anymore. Everyday I am going to say it.....every day....and I am going to believe it.

Bonafied Lovin'

Ok here it is...here is what I need!!!

I might as well take a minute or two to put you on to some game
You got a boy like him and a man like me, that's just not the same.

Never mind a SMS, what you need is a sweet creass

It comes as no surprise, what you need is an older guy with a little bit of life experience
Right clothes and the right appearance
Oh girl, wouldn't that be nice.
Hot dinner by candle light
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fGksDvKZ9ek&ob=av3n

Not so special

Remember that guy, the one I thought wanted me. The one that was supposed to make it all better. I think he has a gf. I am not surprised, he was always like that. It isn't about the quality, just the quantity. I know one of these days he will message and my world will have to stop for him. But this time it won't. I guess I am over it. Seems as soon as I get burned I give up. People are disappointing me too much these days. I am starting to be pessimistic with people and I always just assume now that the time I will know them will merely be a blip in both of our existances. Oh well...another one bites the dust, other one makes promises that mean nothing and another one sees the real me and runs. I was wrong to think that maybe I could be something special to somone.

How to be strong

How do you be strong when your support is crushing you? How do you stand when someone is always taking out your knees? How do you survive when your world doesn't want you to?

In my head he is awful, in my head he is damaging and mean. I know he doesn't really mean to be. It is just him. He doesn't mean to make me cry, he is not hitting me and he is not abusing me but his words do sting and they stay in my head forever. Last night I cried and screamed at the mirror. I yelled at the person staring a me for everything that is wrong with her. Every scar, every pimple, every streach mark,  every inch of fat, every inch of ugly.
Now

I am done with that. Brain, his words are just words, he doesn't matter anymore. Ignore his stupid comments, his stupid need to look at other woman, his need for you to be a certain person and look a certain way. From now on, you live for you. You get past this. You make it stop and you make it not matter. I am stronger than this, I will rise above this. I will be me...no. matter. what.

I am starting to pull away. I need to stop surrounding myself with negetive. I need to stop dwelling on the negetive. he will always be negetive...but I will not let him control me anymore. I am going to be happy. I am going to smile. I am going to live my life void of his now. Eventually he will either follow me and be happy and positive or he will consume himself. He will not consume me. I am fighting back.

Turns out

He looks at porn. I allowed it, I don't care about it right...I can't be an uptight bitch about it right. I mean there is nothing wrong with it right, except that he is disguested by me. I have to let him because I am so horribly ugly that he can't stand me...he has to look at other woman, it would be cruel of me to force him to only look at his wife naked for the rest of his life. How can he keep hurting me like this.
It is becoming clearer and clearer that he doesn't care about how anything makes me feel. He is hurting me again. I don't know how to stop crying. Everyday I cry because he can't stand me, he makes it clear that he doesn't care if he hurts me.
I need to get out of this realationship. Honestly I think about it a lot, think about how much better I would feel about myself without constantly being made to feel like a piece of shsit. But who the fuck am I kidding. I will be stuck here forever and all of my problems will get worse. I can't get past this and I have no way to afford to be out of this so forever I will remain until one day I can't stnad it anymore. One day when the kids are grown and don't need me and then I can just run away.
I hate this. But what the fuck can I do....I just have to find a way to erase the ugly.

Old People

I can't figure old couples out, I can't.....I look at them in wonder and awe as if looking at the sun for the first time. How do two people become to happy, so intertwined and yet blissful. What have they learned that I can't figure out? Is it simply because they have past the hardest part of their lives and now they have each other. I went to a community dance recently and I was one of the youngest people there. I sat and stared at all the couples that were so compatible, so happy. The room was full of them, spinning, dancing and just enjoying each other. No hestiation, no worries, not a care in the world. Ladies so happy to just be in the arms of their loves and men with eye that said they would do anything for their ladies. I feel like I am so far awy from that reality.
Maybe the secret is to just stop worrying?

I am considering getting a tarot card reading done tomorrow to see what it says. I need some guidance and I believe whole heartedly in the woman that will be doing my reading so I guess we shall see what is in the cards.

Yep...another night...

I am sitting here staring at the messaging screen wishing your name would pop up. I am sitting here wondering what would be better, waiting around here, or praying for dream sleep in which you hold me and look into my eyes and tell me that you are never going to leave me. Both are uncertain and it seems the only place you and I exist is in my fanatsies. Maybe that is where this exists soley. Maybe I made it up.
Every night my head hits the pillow and shows me visions of what I wish would happen. Fantasies like me having a tradeshow in Barrie and you coming to see me. My face lights up with a huge smile as I see you for the first time, I run up to you and I hug you with everything that I have. Every inch of me longs to kiss you but I know I can't in front of my co-workers....that would be too messy. They see the joy you bring to me and they tell me to go and take a break. We go, we leave the building and hide around the back and we kiss...and there are fireworks and memories....oh so many memories of what we once had and of how you made me feel and how much I miss you. I sit in your arms and I remember how much I loved this, how safe you always made me feel and how comfortable I felt just being near you. With you I could be myself, I never had to pretend, fake it, be someone else. I was always yours.
Reading that back to myself I realize how lonely I am. I'm always alone.

Is this my world?
I have listened to this song about 500 times tonight.
Dear Heart - What the fuck??
Dear Eyes - Please don't cry, it isn't helping....I don't know what I am morning.
I told someone that I loved him but I wasn't in love with him anymore. But as soon as I say those words I cry for the past. Once it was good, once I was so in love with him that I would have done anything for him. Can I see my world without him......no......why...because no matter what he is on the other end of the phone when I need him, when everything else becomes too much. No one else is. You tell me I am the one you want, that you would give up everything for, that you love, that you need, that you want in every way possible yet when I message you after praying, pleading for the little green dot to appear you don't respond. You aren't there when I am inconvient. I am starting to feel like I am not what you told me I was to you. I am so confused with everything and in the end....I don't know what I want and I am not going to move from my place....because here....I have my place.


Another night in tears

How I know it is real

Here is the thing....my brain will not shut off and I don't want it to. Turns out I love him and it is getting the point where it is just going to happen. Eventually David will figure all this out, how I feel and he isn't going to like it. Eventually this is going to come to a head. Am I smart, nope....Am I selfish, it feels like it. But I can't stop how I feel. He makes me glow, he makes me feel warm and it hurts when he is not around. I am going to see him somewhere and I am going to hug him and David is going to see that my heart has been stolen away.

From the Couch

Festering, undying, unrelenting and uncontrolable is my current situation. This situation that makes me me but in turn torments me down to the core. In mind I want things my mouth can't even speak of. I want to touch, I want to feel, I want to lose all control and be pure emotion. I want rare, raw adrenaline. I want something I have never had before. I want someone who doesn't know my name, doesn't know my issues, doesn't care what my body looks like and just wants to be free. I want to scream and smile that smile that can only be smiled when every single last breath has escaped your lips and ever ounce of your body is begging to stop but begging for more at the same time. I want hours. I want this unimaginable desire to take over and for me to become the ceature behind my eyes. I lust for this satisfaction. I twich with this desire to taste the sweetness that could never be. I want adventure. I want to become the Wild Child.

Heavy Heart

He hasn't talked to me in a long while and it is as if I am crushed. I know I am not supposed to care, this should make it easier right? But no, it makes me want to burst into tears and give in to my greatest temptation. It makes me want to find him and kiss him and look into his eyes for the first time once again and say I am yours forever. Deep inside this longing is more than I can stand and at times I am finding myself alone with my thoughts, alone with my wishes, alone with my fears and alone with my desires. Cruel world how did you twist fate in such a way that I am trapped without bars and caged without keys. This reality offers little comfort and lately I am finding myself longing for dream sleep in which he is there. In my dreams I run to him and he holds me and looks into my eyes and I can feel alive again. In this place of bliss I am free, I am light, I am new. Is that the appeal?
My heavy heart and I will breath again tomorrow of the air that binds. I know this is safe, this is refined, this is tame....but I am not

That pain

So deep, so dreadful, so painful....the regret I am filled with. I want to go back in time so badly and make you mine. I wish I had spoken the words. It is killing me. I love you, I want to be with you and I can't be because I am with him and he is the father of my children and they are the most important thing and they need their father. I am sick to my stomach constantly with the pain of not being with you. I miss you so much and I feel so sad that our time is over. Every night I wait with baited breath for you to come on line. I am only really happy now when I am talking to you. Only then does it feel like the world is right. My heart is broken, it hurts, it is crying and the worst part is there is nothing I can do about it. I wish there was a rewind button and I could start my life over again. I want to go back to when I first met you and I want to cling to you and never let go. I want you to be mine. I want to hold you. I want you, to be here, I want to see you, I want it to be the way it is in my dreams. You tell me it is the same for you. I just want you. It isn't even about sex anymore...I just want to be with you.

Thinks it's a little fucked up

Pissed. I am getting tired of people moving in an out of my life as if it means nothing. The light that once shone no longer does. The person came into my life, fucked it up, lied to me and then moved on....like I knew he would. His words were poision and I didn't even know it. Now at times it is hard to think about that chapter as ended, but it is. And I am the one who ended it, I didn't buy into the fiction even though I entirely wanted to and he got bored as one does in a setting such as this and as always I am yesterday's news
Now in my world three others have left. They were good friends. But maybe I have miss labeled them as friends when the only word that applied was co-worker. I get attacted to easy but I am badly shaken when my word is altered. My work status is happy, it is joyous, it is successful, but in the friend department I am starved. What of it though, what does it really matter.
I truely envy those that have best friends. I know statement is one for the hall of school and should not apply to the rules of adult life but I really miss having someone to talk to about everything. Someone that understand that is not paid to stand beside me in some work place be that is live. I want someone to get it. No one will because I am not the sort that willl have that kind of relationship.
It is funny to me that I actually thought at one point I was getting to where I wanted to be but it seems as quickly as I say the words it has changed.
Oh well...time to move on on all accounts. No point dwell on stupid shit.

Turn th fuck off

He has been nothing but an ass, nothing at all. We haven't really talked, he isn't really there. Just a name in my contacts list, but in my mind he is more. I don't get it, why can't I get over him. Brain...why...what the fuck is wrong with you. I have a great life, everything is in line the way it is supposed to be. I love what I have and I have a ton more than I would have with the one stuck in my brain...so why. I hate this. I want to delete him, I want that to be ok in my mind and I don't want to go back again and add him....stupid stupid stupid little girl. He doesn't even care about you...fuck off...he doesn't care at all about you. His life does not revolve around me....he doesn't care if he talks to me. Actually he is probably wishing I would just stop being a rediculus whiny little baby and move on to my big girl pants.


F
U
C
K

O
F
F

He says words....to make you feel like this....

Hurt

It is funny how words can fester and thorns can tear apart people as if paper. I have been hurt deeply by the man I love and he did it unintentionallly but it hurt a lot. A few months ago he told me that "even though I am not phsyically atrractive anymore that he still loves me for everything else" Worst line ever and I don't think I will recover from those words. Last night well looking at pictures he said "hmmm...you don't look bad there" referring to one of the pictures and I took it as an insult, which I know it really wasn't meant to be that way, but I felt like shit after he said it. Since then I have been crying. I have been bawling my eyes out like a baby and all I want is for him to hold me and he won't. He is supposed to make this all better. He is supposed to wipe my tears away....He is supposed to be on my side....but it feels like he is causing my pain.

I don't think he loves me anymore....he would rather someone else....eventually he is going to see this....and I am going to die. Maybe I should just get it over with.

Just.....mom

Uneventful

Today I was mom, not that I am not mom every day but some days I play the part more than others and today was simply about wiping butts and noses and getting hugs and cuddles. I am amazed every day at the little people my kids are becoming and how much I influence them.
The stuff that comes out of their mouths sometimes shocks and amazes me in ways I could never have understood until they got to this stage.

Other news.....there is none.

In a few weeks I am going oeut to a staff party in TO that will involve a lot of drinking, a lot of dancing, a ton of craziness and a club. I am looking forward to it but I must say I am slightly worried about it too. I know myself, I know my level of control and I love all the people I am going to be with but I am going to be in a new element. This is going to be a major stress reliever and a huge self esteem boast and path to personal discovery.

Tonight is boring, sorry mystery mind for the uneventful post, but this has to happen once and a while.

Night

Deep.
That is the way it is, and the way it has to be . I and the way it is going to be. I am simply steaming with antipation of this evening's planned activities. I am practically pulsing with antipation.
I look, a knowing stare, while the tip of my finger dances along the edge of my black strapless dress. I move my legs a little allowing the hem of my gown to inch past my knee. My toes slowly move along the fabric of the couch in a slow method that attempts to distract my brain from the one all consuming thought. I monitor my breathing, too quickly would give away the fact that I am ready to pounce, but not breathing at all is not an option.
My shoulders turn secducively in a manner to attract. Every inch of my body beats in time with this desire. The time is soon.

Think tank

Simply put tonight is about nothing.
In fact staring at the I and being wordless is a hard thing to understand. I am not sure even what the point of apenng thing page was.
Where am I at right now? I am moving through life in a happy state. I am everything I currently need. I am feelwing good and I finally feel like life has a new beginning. A purpose in a sense. I am going back to work soon and I am going to put 100% into and make this something this time. I am not going to let the words of other deter me from my path to make something more of myself. I am done having babies and I am moving on to a new chapter of my life. I am moving in a new direction and i am going to be a success in more methods than the laundry. I am failing at housework...i hate house work....actually I don't mind housework but it is impossible to accomplish with the kids driving me crazy and life countinously ticking away with no pause. Some how every day starts at 8, and I blink and it is 3, blink again and it is 6 and my day is almost done. In the way of the house I am getting nothfing done.

One Track Mind

Intense.
Unrelenting.
Undying.
Thirst...

I can't explain my mind, but at the end of the day it is always limited to one topic. I must seem easy. I must seem weak. I must seem sluty. But I am not. I am classy, controlled, and mindful of all things in my reality. I know how to pretend. I know how to act. I know how to appear they way I am expected to.
But my mind, which all you know, is not any of the above things. It urges me to run free, it longs to feel that release, it impatiently counts the minutes and hours until it can be alive again. It feels as if every turn of my head, every movement of my legs, every quake in my spine is focused on achieving climax.
I am addicted.
I am controlled
I am lost to desire
I am....lost

I am in this place where everything must lead to be being able to feel something. I am a mindless robot during the day when I have to be mommy. I love being mommy, please never ever doubt. I am starting to feel like during the day I am going through the motions. I light up when my children laugh, I smile and their beautiful smiles. I am happy with them. I take back what I said about going through the motions because now that I think about my kids I am beaming with an inter love that makes all the bad and ugly parts of me dissappear. I don't know who I am but I know I am a mom that will love, cherish, support and adore my children all of my life. That is something.
Maybe I can change my focus.

Beyond

It is of a curious nature the me that I have quenched the thirst. It is not as if I have dramatically presued or even really enticed. I am not really shiny in this eyes of the beholders of games like these but some how I have maintained. Shame should be fluent on these lips of late but none has crossed them. I know my flight is permitted in the eyes of matrimony. This is merely a product of my design, of my dna. Outward appearence would not have you to believe this feat has be accomplished by me. I am lowly, I am dreadful...yet...I guess I am powerful, captivating. I fear my head is swollen.
By mere thought of advertised preception I should not be the one with the number. I should be mellow, un-changing, unbaited and unattractive. By society I should not be proud of what has come to pass. Please do not assume Mindful One that the quest I am speaking of was accomplished by my hand in all cases. It must be noted that one of the captivated has been cured by his own hand and mere thought. I am purely an instructor of sorts in that affair, but still, I have been told that that has be as if water to the thirst laiden.
I crave too much. I know I do...it is an addiction. So sweet an addiction that I have no thought of leaving it as long as it is offered. This is not wise, not rational, not smart, not.....allowed but it is real. I feel like I am the only person in the world not attempting to squash there basic insticts.. basic, born with insticts to feed....
The only thing that consers me is that no one else seems to feel this need....Is no one else born with it. I am the one that is not normal and is the fact that I feel so detemined in my believe truely a sickness? As I type the word Sickness my brain twists with the thought. But really, who does this hurt. I have the blessidng of the one in my heart, the one with my body knows his place and the one in the world of the past knows the situation. Is this really wrong? Those of the Lord would have me believing so...will these acts force me judged in a way that can not wbe forgiven. I can not ask for forgiveness because I am not truely sorry and for me to breath word of prayer would be a lie. I would only be asking for forgiveness because I don't want to offend not because I truely regret the situation.
I feel like I am heading down an unproductive path with this post tonight. My brain and body are not quite in sync it seems....I suspect chemical imbalance.
Wander Eyes out there in the un-known have you judged me? Have you passed a view of me based on the words written in the pages of these blog. I wonder how I feel about that because in all reality Mindful One, you know me better than anyone every has. These pages hide nothing, these pages have no secret, these pages have no shame. Maybe that means your judgement is not clouded and your preception of me is the real one...the rest of the world believes the mirage....and they will continue to. Life in the Scorpion Cage bears no remorse.

Clearer state of Mind

Ok....
I am no longer drunk
I am now not feeling great
The alochole is finished and now the aftermath has set in.
Tonight has been interesting, I have witnessed the rise and fall of the alochole affect....and had it for the most part documented.
Did this help....maybe....I guess the world will just have to let me know tomorrow

Ha ha ha ha

His lover is plastic and shared, ha ha ha ha as the loser I must laugh to stay sane.
Mysterious mind you will never know of who I speak, the mindlessness will allow my to be annonamous. Take that

What you are read are the words of downfall, compromised status of the deranged dementia. You will not undersand. Maybe I need help because I am not seeing the irony in the world any longer. I am not getting it. I am fucked.
All this fucking bullshit is just that...not one thing matters...except my kids so fuck you all. I am going to be a product of my survival and go on instict....even if it fails me. Even if in the depth of the night I cry out in pain and in surender no one will hear it...I am alone...I am fucked...and really...whatever.......
Trip.

Wine Induced ramblings

Title sums it up, wanna know? I drank a bottle of wine and now I am sitting here in silence with my headphones rocking out to my own party. I am a million miles away while being a foot away. It is rough, it is my life. This bottle of wine has saved me tonight.
The life of a mother is not always glorious....it is hardly glamourour but somehow it is desired. Tonight is my escape, my undoing, my release. Tonight I am bigger than what I am looking at. I have hit the back space button 800 times in this post but I fuction. I am drunk but not off...I wanna walk down the street and feeeel it all.
This post is randomn....wanna know my secret...there are two....two in the placement of goal scorer. Got it, get it. I am not spelling it out any clearer even in my compromised state. Two have scorced and another is coming up close....call me slut...i will answer...I care not...I thrive on it...I am alive....freedom and fire.

If you ever read this you are in for a shock
I am not the white lily I appear and I don't give a fuck.....judge me....come on....I dare you!@

SUCCESS!

That is right ladies and gentlemen! I did it...again...and...well..it sucked. This guy is not versed in the female preception and in that sense things were neot "completed" That leaves me numb.

I am not typing more right now because I am numb....I am tipsy....it feels amazing....tonight is mine, fuctioning freedom!.


Maybe I should write, because maybe my mind's eye is more focused...More open. I want more of what I got even if it was limited.

Here's the thing

A leopard can't change it's spots. This one is trying but once again I am in the same place doing the same but more than I was last night. I am being.....me and even in my worped imagining I can not fathom this being good.
I am lost and this confounds me in the deepest of ways.
Trying to be aomething I am not is not a task I wish to accomplish

There will be more

Condemning this scorpio is a way of live now for me but within it poses CHALLENGE. Maybe that is the most important part of this entire thing. Is this a quest? Not in the sense of completion because this feat will never ever be concluded. It is forever ecthed into my brain as survival insticts.

But
Tonight it is a quest, a right of passage if you must. Hungery is this scorpion.

Nope

The lasting ability of the damned has prevailed over me again it seems. I guess I am not what I thought I was. I thought that I possessed the skills to be fulfilled and it turns out I don't. In my mind's eye I thought I was undeniable. Yet I have been denied indefinatly by a second source. Forever damned. My personal hell involves a tv screen and a gaming system. Forever I will be not allowed to exist in a world where the very essence of humanity has been stripped away. I am hurt, I am torn apart. I but too much energy into this and in my desperation I am indeed desperate. Why did I make myself this person. I am not desired, I am not this vixen my mind has design. I have failed. You think slut, I know you do mysterious eye but you don't understand the release. The need to be more and only in that momment am I what I have designed. I am a product of humanity but the world doesn't need to be human anymore. It needs to be cold, indifferent and simply innhuman. Robotic mechanics need to take over my sanity and my life because I am lost. The one thing I control has gotten out of control. I no longer exist in the sense of what I have protrayed.
I am the problem
I am going into hidding.....I have to become the mindless mom and let go of myself. I have held my own hand for as long as I can. I am now the pianist with broken fingers. I stare longingly at my passion that grows dust
The tears cried leave spots in the dust but it will never be wiped away. Don't forget me...what you see is not who I really am. Goodbye.

Prey #2

How does one compete with plastic and light bulbs. The flickers of the world trapped in the box protrays a vision of mockery. Do you understand Beholder's Eye. Do you get that I am struggling in this fight because of wires, plastic, lightbulbs and glass. I am powerless, my mortal enemy has cast yet another shadow and forevermore I can not escape.
Will tonight be like the other nights where the bloomed flower wilts with neither sunshine or rain to preserve it's life. I am forever damned. How is it that this feat is to be eluded? How is it that I am not going to win against the mesmerising.

Stay tuned

Prey

This is a game
I am playing it and I don't know how to make it work but I want it to, believe me, my very essence depends on it. I am in need of the one thing that can only be granted by those with the controls. I am beyond the point at which all else exists. I want this to be now.

Can I make it happen

Tune in for more folks!

Dear Hungery Eyes, I bear a feast!

I have been starving, been locked away and I have been missing so much. Like that of a coma I have awoke and right now the frenzy has reached a peak of determination that the mere mind cannot understand. I am typing the words that my fingers have ignited. I am beyond pain and suffering. I am hiding a mystery that will never be divulged, even in the coldest depths of death. I have found a mysterious passion and power and it feels so good. It feels like life....life after so long without breathe. I can’t even explain the fireworks, the colours, the feeling...oh that feeling that has not been there for so long. I was dry, dying and now I am vivid, bright, more than I have been in years and now time and passion have united and I want more.



My vision may be swayed in a way that is not allowed but I am not worried, I am not ashamed and I am fire....I am born of fire. You have to understand this passion, this fire to get to the core of my very soul. I am addicted and I have only had one taste. Just one and I am a fen. I am left breathless. Oh mysterious eyes, can you understand. Forbidden fruit is so sweet that my mouth waters just looking at the possibility. The outer vision of this fruit is not beautiful but it is beyond tantalizing. I am having trouble controlling myself. That is bad I know, but I want to lose all control. I want a time to be completely off and to just react. I don’t want to think. I just want to do, I want to be free completely from my brain and there is only one way to let instinct take over and be truly free and it is offered. I need more. I need this so badly that my body is reacting to the sight and of the smell and of the heat. I am striving, pulling, taking, and longing for this so badly at a fevered pitch. Take me, take every single piece of me and never let me be whole again. I am glowing, the sweat is flowing for my entire body and it is spiking a reaction of maximum proportion. I am shaking and the feeling of all this pent up energy is almost more than I can stand. One sight and I might have to attack. I am not on guard, I am running on primal. My very soul is begging me to let the passion ignite.


The fire is too hot, it is burning, it is so sweet. I am seeing the fireworks, the vivid colours light up the dark in places that have never ever seen light and the reaction is sheer ecstasy. My soul is built in a way that it wants nothing more than this. I feed on this. No drink, no food could ever quench the thirst of the soul. Only this, only this....I want more

When the world ends.

This is happening. We all know it. Some chose to accept and other turn a blind eye, but we all feel it. Deep down in a place inside our gut we feel it. We know that it is coming soon, we know it is coming fast. I am not one to ignore. I can feel it and I will not turn a bling eye. I will prepare to the best of my ability. I will do everything I can to save all that I can. I am building myself strounger, tougher, better. I am going ot be able to save my kids when I need to. I will hold my children and run if that is what must happen. Something in my mind tell me to wbe ready, that a great fate will rest on my ability. I want to make sure I am up for this challenge. I am scared.
When whatever goes down that will be going down I want to be able to function and to survive. I am scared of not being able to provide, not being able to meet the challenges ahead. I am afraid for my children.
So sure am I in my belief that I am scared to be living where we are, we are so far away from other family members. So sure am I in my belief that I am basing my future on alternatives, so sure am I that I am education myself on basic survival methods. I don't want to need them, but I know I will. I am a strodng believer that God will provide for us in some way, not neccessarily in the way of our chosing, but in a way that will work. I don't know what the futrue holds...but I do know that a massive change unlike any faced before will happen. Please people, have the strength to help yourself.

Pain

Emotionally it hurts. I don't know how to even explain how I feel. I am saddened because I am starting to see clearly that I don't really matter. He is my best friend and I guess it is not fair for me to want to know how he is every minute, for me to want to connect with him. For me to want to see him. I miss him, it has been days since I have talked to him and it hurts. Why does it hurt

4 Walla

Want the truth mystery mind....want to know it.
I am nothing, I am trash, I am a shadow of a person that dreams and wishes to be real but never will.
Get it.

I am gettting to the point where I am just never going to leave this house. Never, maybe that is better. I need to stop trying to be more, trying to be myself and just accept that all I will ever ever ever be is a snot wiping, ass wiping, meal cooking, house cleaning fuck up.

I am done with all this fucking bullshit. I am done trying to maintain my composer, what the fuck is the point. I am a caged animal that has finally be broken. I am not going to look up anymore. what the fuck is the point.
Bye outside world...you never needed me any way. Fuck it all

I am not going to get out of my pit, I might as well accept it and lay on the bottom and close my eyes.  I can't stop the pain. So now, as of tonight the scorpio has no reason to sting, the animal with in has died and there is no point to any of it.

The Roar breaths life

Music is my blood flow and it takes me from mild to out of control. I can't describe, it takes me to a new place that is not real, it can't be, it is too primal. I crave it, need it and live off of it. Few get to the true meaning of living and the sound of the song turns my eyes from brown to black. I hear the music, the sound with every inch of my body./
The music turns me into a poet
Takes my hand and guides me to the world my thoughts run free in
With the beath my brain explodes and it amasing.
No one gets to the level I get to, no one feels it like I do.
It is my drug.
Give me my dose and I am me, without it I am a shell
Kill me now, but don't take my release.
I am not in this to be understood,
I am not in this for a game
I am not in this for you
This is mine. I am darker than my exterior allows
I am a hidden beast, and this will remain.
don't cross me
You won't get a second chance.

The Deep End

Today sucked. Not really a reason for it but it really did. I was reduced to tears, locked in the bathroom. I feel like I am failing at everything right now and it has me in this clouded funk.
I want to run away and I guess that is what I am doing on Tuesday, breaking out of my reality. I am excited and scared for my meeting. How will I react to seeing him. It is one thing to see him on camera and to hear his voice on the phone but it is a whole other world in the real world.
I know I want his body, I know I want him to do everything and anything for me. I want to be fucked and fucked well. He can do that, he wants me to fuck him. I have my husband's blessing to do this, I am not cheating but it feels odd, like I am cheating. I honestly don't know if I will go through with this. It will all be a momment decision. It is time to sink or swim and I am not even sure if I know how to float.

For this I want to be hot, I want to be attractive and I don't even know how to do this anymore....I guess it is hard when the best piece of clothing I own is track pants. I wish it were summer, I would be able to wear a dress then and it would be easy. This is not easy. I am stuck.

I have no money either so going out and getting something new is not an option. I don't even have hot panties lol.

So...........................................lost

Deep into the fire

I am alive, for the first time. All things ignite, all things consume.
If this is destruction then bring it.
I feel the power. This is new.

I am emerging into a new thing, into a new person. Into a woman. Don't you see how amasing this is. The butterfly has emerged and is alive and flying for the very first time. I am dancing, I am free, I am real and I am me. For the first time in a loooooooong time I am me.

Reader, in your head you hear my words.
Do you feel the words
Do you feel the passion, the power, the emotion....the bliss.

I want to take on the world. I want the hidden freak to stalk the shadow but be free in the firelight.
This is the firelight.

Mystery Mind, your eyes bring me to life.

You won't get it

Here it is mystery mind. D and I are going to be engaging in an open relationship. We want this, need this and we have talked about it a lot. We have spoke of downfalls, of benefits, of what scares us and about what excites us. We have talked long, we have talked hard and we want this.
This allows me to endulge in a world of fantasies I have never experienced. I am excited. This is different for me and so new. I am scared because I am not really sure if a larger girl can endulge the way I want to.
I have a prospect. A safe prospect. I am taking the light. I want the light in the way my body craves, My mind is always on that one all consuming thing. How can I get laid tonight. My husband has the lowest sex drive I have ever seen in either a man or woman. I have tried getting his to want me, to want sex and it has not gone well. It has been this way for 7 years, he is not going to change and this desire is a massive part of me. It is in a sense what makes me me.
I am erotic, I am sexy and I live for the momment when I can attack my prey. I crave sex daily, hourly and will never ever turn it down as long as it is approved of in the eyes owf my husband.
I want to have sex do badly that I am letting my husband havesex with another woman. I am hoping this will increase his general want for sex. I know he loves me and he knows I love him. This is not about love, this is about a primal need that must be forfilled.
I am a creature of sex, I am temptress and I use my tongue to endulge fantasies. I am purely an animal.

A big ball of sad.

That is me tonight. I am mush, I am sad, I want to be hugged, loved , cuddled and just be warm.
I can't help that my mind tells me that he would have me that way.
I would be in his arms and nothing else would matter. I am fucked.
I don't think he cares about me anymore but I am still stuck in this place where I can't be. This is stupid, really stupid.
I am a big baby.
I hate this.

Everything has it's momment

Earlier this week I was stroeng, I was fearless.....and now....I am a PMS'ing whiny baby that wants nothing more than to be hugged. I want my bed and as soon as D gets home from bringing Sara to school I will be going there. No sleep last night again because of children awaking every half hour. I also think I am getting sick, my whole head is stuffed up.

The topic from last night is currently on the back burner as I can deal with anything with out finding a reason to burst into tears. I am such a mess.

I am sitting here amased by my Makayla girl, she is watching her favourite show and acting along with the characters and repeating everything word for word. Not to shabby for a 2 year old! Makayla is growing so big. Last night was the second night in a row that she has gone to bed without a bottle and she did much better last night than the first night. And she at all her breakfast too! This is huge as it is a massive struggle to get her to eat anything, ever. I am so happy with her right now!

My Ethan baby is asleep in his swing and he looks just as I imagine angels to look. He is softly snoring and with every breath he makes I want to kiss his chubby little cheeks. He is teething right now and more often than not he is crying so to see him in such a peaceful state makes me happy. He is still such a little guy but he has grown so much since he was placed on my chest at birth, all 5lbs of him.

I have my weigh-in today and I am half looking forward to it, I have had a good week and I hope a difference has been made, but I am enjoying a visit from Aunt Flo so that could affect things. Blah......come own D, I need to go curl into a ball under my blanket and cry a bit just for the hell of it. :( I want to be held.....I want to feel arms around me and little kisses on my neck and I want to just be loved and cared for. I guess I will settle for my quilt.

Stay strong world.

To say it out loud would defy it all

I am keeping a secret, a secret life, a secret desire that is sweet. I am finding new oppertunities with every turn.

It is within my grasp, that thing I have wanted for so long. It can be mine, I can have it. I feel wierd knowing this. So many questions and really no answers to be had until the momment of coming is upon us. I want to do this. I lack the means in a sense. I need to be better before the ball rolls.

I am coming into my own and this change of mind is just another step that allows me to explore. This is not traditional and I am not ashamed but I feel no need to advertise.
Do you want to go on this journey with me mystery mind? Should I tell you the key to this adventure? Can you figure it out without me openly speaking of it.
I am not sure how to proceed, this will require thought. Maybe for now only those that I know will not judge should be privy to such information. Tonight mystery mind you must stay clouded in shadow.

It's new

Hubby and I have had new talks regarding an area of life that was ceasing to exist and we have made leaps and bounds in this department. I could not be happier. This decision that we are coming to is massive and it is accessable and well...it is going to be made a reality whenever we can make this function. This area has rules, this area is tricky but it has rewards.....many rewards.

This is a place I never ever expected myself to be. Never thought I could have the confidence to be in this place and every day I am impressed with myself. I am so much more than I have every been and he is with me in this. This will be good for us. It just has to happen.

Sunshine part 2

The world just can not get enough love. In this tiny house we have enough love for the whole world. My children are my everything, that is not just an expression of words but truely an expression of heart. I sit here and I watch my tiny boy sleeping. He face twiches and smiles as if his dreams are amasing. I like to think about what is playing in he head, something incredible I am sure.
Watching my girls grow leaves me in awe. There is no way to explain how my heart melts are the thought of how they will change this world. Giving love brings love and it multiplies.

I haven't had a sunshine day in so long, I have been under pressure, under stress and undercover. Today is a little bit more than the last few have been. It is 10:39 in the moring and I feel as if I have lived a whole day since 7am this morning. I am happy.

Today is going to be a blog friendly day...tonight....will be epic.

Sunshine

I am glowing, basking in the love of my babies! There is nothing better, nothing more important and nothing more beautiful!

Hey! The radio just played the song I requested!!! Love it! Today is a good day. I am feeling great! Yay!


I will post more later, crazy children.

Unthinkable

I caved I fb messenged him even though it goes against all things rational or smart. I did it and immediately regretted it. It instantly made me a whiny, needy little baby that screamed "look how desperate I am" What the hell was I thinking!!!!
He never messenged back....thanks bud......asshole. I know offically it was all a stupid game and I thought it was more. I stupidly trusted him...I am so glad I didn't do anything drastic. Can you imagine??? Mystery mind, can you even fathom where I would be right now.

My day was boring. I fianlly got some sleep and then I played with the kids, cooked dinner, did the bath, book bed routin and then worked out, cleaned the toy room, did laundry and here I sit. I should be cleaning the kitchen and the rest of the house but I am sitting here watching Real Housewives.

I am having brain block tonight and my fingers are not processing creatively.

Erotic Element of the Condemned Scorpio

This is a reflection, this is a damnation
This is an expression, this brings the friction

Here it is is red and black
My life isn't one you want to explore
I am not the average
I rise above in the pages beneath
I am a vixen when the bar flashes in front of me
Here it is in black and white
Don't look and judge
Don't assume
You will never win, you will never get me.
I am untouchable, I am something you have never discovered.
To look you see nothing, you know there is more there but you can't imagine
Since tiny I wrote the words my mind commanded
Since little I know I was special
I am a creature of sex, I radiate it
I am controlled by it, drawn to it and I bask in it
Come taste it and realise this isn't average
Get past the look in my eye and you will see the freak.
I can't explain, no one gets it, no one sees me the way I am
I can hide, I am hidden and no one will every find me
In my mind I am bad
In my head I am an abject of my own desire
I want you to want me
I want your eyes on me
I want to command your smile
I want the best
Erotic elements rule my life
I live the life of the condemned Scorpio
This display to only that, a screen a front so that you will never realize what I can do
I am deep.

Because I am a freakin' beast.

You can't get to me, you can't touch me, truely I kick ass.

I want to strut myself, I want you to see it, to truely want it. I want to march past you in my high heels, shaking my ass and commanding all eyes. I am not weak and I am not done. I want to knock you all off your feet.

I am feeling like I have everything and I am going to make you believe whenever your eyes are on my mystery reader. You will feel my presence, I am not run of the mill and there is no mould. Bring it baby, I wanna strut!

2:12 am

Why will my children not sleep!?????? Ever. I am so sick of this, of feeling tired all the time, of trying to function on 3 hours of sleep during the day while Ethan is asleep and not cranky. I am so tired of feelwing like a life starved zombie trying to make it to the next intersection of life.
Makayla wants to be up all night too, she has been throwing a fit every time she wakes up.... which has been 4 times since her bed time at 7:00pm. I am seriously at the end of my rope. I don't know what I am supposed to do, how I am supposed to do anything or how to make this better.
My kids are grumpy all day because they never sleep and then at night they are awake all night just because there is nothing better to do that scream and cry at 2:12 in the morning. People do this, they have three kids and they function. Many woman can just do it and be happy and smile and just be everything to everyone with a plastic fucking smile on their faces. I am not one of these womane, I cannot function without sleep. I can not do anything if I feel like shit and I refuse to play barbie when all I can think of is how nice it would be to be under my blankets and sleep until my body tells me to wake up
I am never going to be able to do anything in my life the way things are now.....I can't fucking sleep at all and trying just pisses me off..q.how the fuck am I supposed to sleep if 30 seconds after I close my eyes a child wakes up and screams blood murder until I figure out how to fix the problem. Maybe I am the qfucking problem, I am qmust be doing something wrong that two of my chqildren refuse to sleep for anymore than an hour without waking and screaming.

He is doing all the right things

My husband is doing everything right to make me fall in love with him all over again. He has put his playstation to rest when the kids are awake and today he even surprised me with flowers.
How do I explain this without sounding wrong. I love him, I know I do but it isn't the same anymore, even though he is doing everything right.
How do I explain that I am messed up, that I can't be everything I want to be and be with me. He brings me down, he doesn't lift me up. Our lives are unproductive, boring and a death sentence and he is fine with that. I need more out of life now and I have no idea how to achieve that. Then I wonder if I am only feeling like I need to be alone so that I can say I have made a change, even though that is probably not the right path to take. My brain is never satisified and that is the problem.
I have so many regrets in my past, everything from the way my relationship progresses to not finishing college.....to not living....I was not smart...how do I change this trend.

Maybe I was wrong

I thought I needed you to make me happy, I thought I needed your words to feel strong and I thought I needed your love to keep me strong but I am finding out that I just don't. For a week now you have shut the doors, you have tuned me out and it seems easy.... very easy for you. You fucked with me, that was all it was. You turned my world around and your played your fucking game for nothing. Enjoy every single thing you have. I am better off. At the end of the day all your hopes and dreams just get washed away as if written in sand. I live in the real world where food has to be earned and money doesn't just appear in my hand. In this jungle only the strong survive and I am done with being held up by false promises of a better tomorrow.

Somehow I am going to make life work, and I am going to get farther and be more than I am right this minute. I am restless and I am tired of being held down by life. I am going to start living. I am glad I have realised that I don't need you to help me breath.

I will admit I am scared though becuase one of these days in the future you are going to pop back into my life. I am not stupid, I know how this game works. Oqne of these days you will be bored with fucking anything that walks and you will decide to look me up and you will messenge me wanting to be friends and wanting to get back what was there. I don't know how I will react to this. I would love to say my sensible brain will pravile and I will ignore you, delete you and pretend it never happened. But I know myself and I know I will messenge you and dramatic bullshit will insue.

I hate that this got to me so much, I look back at my posts and I look like a whiny baby that can't express anything.

I am standing, I am breath, your a fucking tool that can't handle life. I am strong and powerful and determined to get every inch of life out of this and now....finally.....you don't matter.


12:09am and life is an open book that I am writing to me. Somehow because I shared this blog, it has been directed to you and away from my center. I am taking it back. I am writing for myself and to myself from now on.....you truely have no place here. I want to call this stage Acceptance

Beyond the Edge

I stared into oblivion and survived. Last night I laid in my bed and pleaded with god to turn back time. Back to that momment in the room when it all went down and I wish I had taken a momment to look you in the eyes and tell you I love you. Every single element in my life would be different. Would I be better off, I don't know, but it feels like it was supposed to happen and didn't.

I gotta get past this and I am trying... I only checked my inbox 12 times hoping for an e-mail from you.

I don't know where I am at...I want to know and I don't.

I don't want to think

Anymore......every.....

Can't do it....

Here it is....I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I am just living life in a shell, I am not engaging ing life, I am not enjoying life and I am not living life. You don't care, you really don't....I don't know what I expected but I guess I just expected you would be there. I can't keep this up.

I need to find a way to cope with life and right now I am glued to my inbox. I can't get over you and I have cried so much my eyes hurt and now I guess I just have to pick up the pieces of my heart and move on. I am fucking pissed, I don't want to be but I guess if it is that easy for you to drop me means it wasn't as strong as I thought it was. You just want me to change my whole life for you but you don't want to be my friend, you say you can't be. I feel like you ran into my life, said everything i have ever wanted to say and then you were gone...poof
I can't appologise, I can't change anything, I don't want to take anything away from what we had and I can't contain how this feels.
I love my husband, I do.....I have been with him almost every single day for the past 7 years. I have shared everything with him, I have bonded with him and I have a connection with him. He is my rock, he is there and he is the father of my children. He is a major part of me.

I love you in a different way, in a raw way, in a sensual way. I love you because you make me feel alive, you make me feel better, you make me feel happy and you make me more. I have not felt the way I do talking to you in so long and now I can't cope without you. You don't get it. I am hurting and I need you so much to keep me happy. I am selfish, I am greedy and I don't give a fuck at this point. I am so sorry that I can't uproot my life for you. I am beyond this point now. I don't know what that means. I don't know how to deal with this. I just can't right now. I am really sorry about everything and I don't want you to regret me and you do. I hate this, hate this hate this hate this hate this fucking bullshit.....

This is it....I am through....
GOOD BYE.

500 times a day

That is ow many times a day I want to e-mail you. I want you to know how much I miss you, how much I need you in my life. How I need you to be my friend. I need your support. I have a lot I want to accomplish in my life and I want you there to celebrate my successes and motivate me when I have a hard time. I am lost without you in my life.
I understand why you can't be here and it makes sense for my relationship and it is best for everyone I guess. I am the only one that is hurting with the way things are now. I hate feeling like this. You make me feel good, you make life easier and talking to you makes me shine. Is that bad.
I hate this. I hate it so much that it is consuming every part of my day. I have no reason to do anything because I was doing this for you. I was a better person with you in my contact list.
I honestly do not know what the future holds but I do know I am stronger, happier and jus plain better with you with me. I need you as a friend to me right now...and I can't have you without losing the father to my kids...I guess I am going to have to find another way to cope, I just can't think of you.
I really hope you still read this, I doubt you do but it helps me to know I have a connection. It truely hurts so much to check my inbox and not see an e-mail from you. I check it a million times a day just hoping that you might decide you need me in your life, even if it isn't the way you want it to be. I miss you so much. I am here for you if you ever need me. I will never get over losing you.

Trying to smile and my smile has faded

He is the way he was a long time ago, the light is back in his eyes. I know he loves me, he is doing what he needs to now and I have fate this is going to remain. He has done what I have asked him to. But why oh why isn't my heart better.
Last night shattered me.
I am not sure if I am going to recover from this. I understand why you can't talk to me and he doesn't want me talking to you so opening my e-mail and not seeing your name makes sense. It is logical, I am following the rules. I had to delete your e-mail so that I couldn't e-mail you, because everytime my fingers touch the keys I want them to be writing words to you. I am in pain, a dull agonising pain.
I have been keeping busy trying to turn my brain off because it seems to help. But what about tonight when the night is quiet and my heart aches to talk to you, just to know you are in my world, but you aren't.
I hate this so so so much.
I am sorry. I am always going to want to be with you....why is life so cruel. I will miss you forever and I am hoping that in time I become numb. I hope I never run into you, ever. My heart wouldn't be able to handle that.

Did it

I did what I was supposed to do. I broke your heart and tossed you away the way I was supposed to. It's for the good of my family I suppose. It is supposed be the right thing......why is the right thing hurting so much. My heart is broken.

Please read me.

I told him about you and it was awful, he hates me now. I am lost. I need to focus on myself right now. I need to be selfish. I love you, I really do and i know you don't believe me. My stomach is so sick right now and my heart is broken. I need you to understand. Please please understand. I am so sorry I messed this up so badly. i don't know how I am going to give you up. I already miss you. But what am I supposed to do. I can't stand on my own two feet let along stand on it and take care of my three kids. they have to come frist. I love you, and I will always love you. I know you will never understand. This is not good bye forever, my heart could not handle that. please read this and understand.

Coin Toss

This post is not for the faint of heart, it truely shows you the battle of heart and mind, of fear and love.

I have been told that true love conqures all, but what if your heart and mind, all your senses are locked in a battle between two. What if you were at war in your head with opposites that attract in different way. I don't want to be a part of this coin toss....chosing heads or tails is a rattling decision that will ripple in effect until I either rise or am condemned to lead the life I have chosen. I would rather just take the coin.

This was never a decision that I planned on facing, merely a past that I thought was unreachable. But new life has been breathed into my world. This light has made me feel new in every way, has given me the ability to smile and to feel...power. With this light I feel like I used to and like there is more. But the light has a shadow. The light is not the smart or safe road to take. It is bordered with doubt, with lack of commitment and with a worry that the light will never be more. The light is still naive to the harshness to the world in ways that are not understood. Though old he is not expirenced with the working of the world in the fashion that I require.

The one is familar and is safe and is smart and maybe I have been less forgiving than I should be. This one has not faltered in the ways he has been. I am not really happy with the current way of life but maybe there is more that has not come. He is lacking in the ways of raising and thus causing a break down in the way the world is set. This lacking has created a definate break, a crack in the moral foundation of what is provided. He is known. The one has been there, not in all ways as I believe they should be addressed but he is there in spirit and in physical presense. He is The One in the eyes of my children and this posses the biggest deliema.

I asked to be shown a sign, a trigger to make me know the path before me that is laid and these words stood out... Follow your Heart. But where oh where heart am I to follow you? Which path is more appealing? Which downfalls are less to consider. I am torn and confused and broken in ways I was never to know.
My heart belongs in the momment and the momments are heated by different furances at will. The momment the words appear before me and the second my ears hear the voice that was forgotten I can not feel anything else. I feel love and I have wanted this love to come from this light for so long. It has been a dream and a fanatasy from my childhood. I am so in tune with this voice in many ways and very distant in others. It would allow a part of my world to be exposed and have air that it has never ever had. The one is comfortable in the sense that I know what to expect and there is an element of control, but also an element that is caged and if this path is chosen it will be locked away forever. Is that the way I want it to be.

The light forces me to compete again, the one does not. The one knows that now me and the light remembers the old. I want to be the old. I am not of sound mind it seems in this decision, the weight of which bears much. I am beyond my will power to resist either and the setting of eyes makes my brain ache of question.

Believe in yourself is a statement my mother drilled into my head. It seems this is the way to view this. Maybe I should truely just be on my own, but that would in a snese mean chosing the light because the one would be crushed.

They both confess love and both confess this love to be deep and meaningful. They both propose mariage. One has been chosen but in reality would not have been if the light had been shown and if the light was truely known. The light was in the world but faded when the one stepped up and claimed dominance.

I wonder though. Should the one know the light exists. Is my method of coping one that should remain intact or in the need of fairness should he be made aware. Simply admiting could lead to danger. Simply admitting could sway the mind of the one. I can not carry this train of thought tonight.... now the question, who will my mind wander to and dream of tonight.

And he loves me

I am lost because his words are tempting, so tempting that they are sweet. I am torn and that scares me. I can't talk, the words are muted behind lips that feel no shame. And if this was discovered, this hidden agenda, would it matter, would it really or would it truely speed up the enividable. What do I want and more importantly why do I want it. Is the old thing just old and the new shiny and full of promise. But it isn't full of promise. It is truely a ride on a path with no benefit, that will never be better in a security sense. It is a selfish path that I want to dip into in a way that isn't rational, it isn't good. But it is hot and amasing and unknown.
There is a third path that makes it more of an appeal. Can I simply stand on my own feet without a commitment, even though there is a commitment already. But maybe it is a better place to be. I don't know. I look around and I wonder how these walls could be ones I dispise. Will I regret it, will I. That is the biggest question in my head. This is just new, lets just see where it lends. I wish I had a sign. Why be stupid, why play this game. Has your heart ever really let go of the past, if the screen showed a new reality would my heart be able to with stand the trama....and why do I feel it would be trama. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I am never going to arrive at a destination, I am going to be forever wondering what if in every single sense of the words. I just don't know and to me that say avoid it all and figure out who wants to fight, the burden and the problems.....I have said the word that changes things in the minds and hearts of those I care about. But the words were out there and they slide off my lips so easily. And I truely meant them.
This is huge.

I have given up

To those outside of my house, I am still alive, thanks for asking. I am not attempting contact with anyone anymore. I am done trying to establish contact with people who don't care about me. I have more important things to do. It scares me though. I don't think I could carry on a conversation without a keyboard anymore. It has been that long since I have talked to someone other than my husband and kids. No one cares and that hurts, but whatever. I will survive.

Maybe it is because I am bitter, closed in and I just don't know how to cope with life. Or everyone is just to busy.

No negative

Not in this post, not this time. I am doing well, actually in a sence better than I have been in a little while. I am a little more grounded tonight. I really actually like my life. I have beautiful little babies sleeping upstairs. My husband truely is my shelter from the storm and I guess I can lose sight in that and blame all my hardships on him. I am sick again, as is everyone else here now and despite my sickness and the sickness of the kids this is when I kinda shine. I can provide for my kids, I can get through anything and everything that I need to.
Sometimes the most important thing in the world is to step back and look at everything you have and be happy. Just be happy. Those are three little words that are everything, the world rolls on because of them.
I love you....Theresa